Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

28 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by dontoe, Jun 1, 2006.

  1. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    May 7, 2004
    Posts:
    9,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hickory, N.C.
    28 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home[​IMG]
    1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
    2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
    3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
    4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
    5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
    6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
    7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
    8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
    9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
    10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
    11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
    12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.
    13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
    14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
    15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
    16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
    17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
    18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
    19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
    20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
    21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
    22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
    23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
    24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
    25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
    26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.
    27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
    28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
    29. remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, _it's_an_adventure_!
    30. mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on theship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into yourcoffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
    31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorestreader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to havehim skip over anything pertinent.
    32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car'sradiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost fromexcessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignitionstating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks.Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have himtell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you performthem.
    33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except forrooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint yourdriveway a different shade of grey.
    34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats ameal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared severalhours earlier.
    35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.
    36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck ofdust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house.Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it tookto find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrationalfault with your house/belongings.
    37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say,"deceptive lighting."
    38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask,say, "friendship lights."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2006
  2. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2004
    Posts:
    3,180
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KC Missouri
    Holy run-together batman



     
  3. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    May 7, 2004
    Posts:
    9,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hickory, N.C.
    Thank's man.......................I'm munching on some Pub Snacks and was gonna get around to it.............................maybe! :p:
     
  4. k2mslskier

    k2mslskier 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Posts:
    1,524
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tucson, AZ
    I'm having flashbacks...thanks for the ride down memory lane.:D
     
  5. readymix

    readymix 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    May 30, 2004
    Posts:
    6,706
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Murrieta, California
    So true
     
  6. MTBLAZER89

    MTBLAZER89 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2001
    Posts:
    7,272
    Likes Received:
    237
    Location:
    Oak Harbor, WA
    So true some of those are ****in great, but pisses me off at the same time:haha: I had a kid on the mess decks tell me "the milk is supposed to taste like that it's not cow milk.
    Me- "No it's not I know what sour milk tastes like, and plus it's warm"
    Him "No really all the machines have sort of a different taste since the onrep"
    Me "No it's sour not different tasting. Here try it" Sips
    Him "ewww **** you are right that is bad"

    No **** man do your ****in job and change the milk.:mad: :haha: :haha: :D
     
  7. k2mslskier

    k2mslskier 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Posts:
    1,524
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tucson, AZ
    :haha::haha:
     
  8. firefighter184

    firefighter184 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2003
    Posts:
    2,763
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Barrio
    Oh man:haha: :haha: :haha: Talk about a trip down memory lane. Add one case of the clap, one of the crabs, and several unanesthetized stiches courtesy of a grumpy corpsman, and you got it right.
     
  9. chopped&bobbed77burb

    chopped&bobbed77burb 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2005
    Posts:
    925
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    milwaukie,oregon
    My next door neighbor is retired Navy (boiler tech :eek1: ) . I think he would laugh his @ss off at this . He tells some great stories . Some scary one about the asian whores in the east orient :eek1: . double up on your rubbers boys :haha: .
     
  10. 79Stomper

    79Stomper 1/2 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2004
    Posts:
    4,225
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    Forest, VA
    Add one to it.

    Have neighbor walk around every half hour with a bull horn, a bell and a whistle. Ring the bells every half hour into the bull horn. Blow the whistle into the bull horn before any information is passed to you.

    If you smoke, you cannot smoke for 5 consecutive hours in the day and when you can smoke, you only have 15 minutes. Best to cram yourself in the smallest space in the house to simulate 500 plus smokers ina 10x10 room.
     
  11. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2002
    Posts:
    4,522
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OKC, Oklahoma
    Makes me glad to have been in the "Men's Department.":haha: :haha:
     
  12. Stickseler

    Stickseler 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2001
    Posts:
    6,503
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    So true, only orange bug juice can kill the jp5.

    You forgot the one about watching the same pornos over and over and miraculosly getting the one you started with back by the time you get back home
     
  13. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2000
    Posts:
    4,389
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Dear God... glad I don't ride the Gator freighters anymore.
    Just about EVERY F**KIN' ONE of those is right on the money...

    Add the following:
    "Have four Harriers take-off and land, six feet over your head, for a couple hours. Ensure this is scheduled after midnight."
    and
    "Schedule the ship to ballast-down for well-deck operations just before evening chow. De-ballast just before midnight. Use the pumps that need to be overhauled due to excessive noise, to save wear & tear on the good pumps."
    ...and you'll complete the experience.
     

Share This Page