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300+ facts about Chuck Norris

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by MTBLAZER89, Feb 21, 2006.


    MTBLAZER89 3/4 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Aug 14, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Oak Harbor, WA
    This is LONG, but hilarious:haha: :haha: Sorry I am bored at work:D

    -Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But Chuck Norris hasn't cried, ever.

    -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    -Horses are not only hung like horses, they are also hung like Chuck Norris.

    -Chuck Norris once round house kicked the down syndrome out of a ten year old boy.

    -Chuck Norris used to be a playable character in the video game Street Fighter 2.
    He was removed only after the programmers found that pressing any button caused him
    to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch Chuck Norris responded
    "That's not a glitch."

    -Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

    - Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    -Chuck Norris has sex with men, not because he is gay, but because he has run out of
    women to have sex with.

    -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
    trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    -The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    -If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
    Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

    -Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

    -Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
    probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    -Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

    -Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
    the man ate a Indian.

    -In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
    notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
    in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

    -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another

    -Chuck Norris has to slow down his moves for his movies because when he throws
    a round house kick he breaks the sound barrier causing a sonic boom and blows the
    set apart causing long delays in reconstructing the set over and over again.

    -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    -Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

    -When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over

    -Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    -Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of
    visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

    -Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

    -Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

    -Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed,
    as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    -There is no theory of evolution. Just a bunch of creatures Chuck Norris allows
    to live.

    -The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

    -Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're
    thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead
    wrong. And stop being a racist.

    -Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE
    Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks
    into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

    -Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

    -Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

    -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill

    -The leading cause of death in the Unites States are: 1 Heart Disease 2 Chuck Norris 3

    -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls
    -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he

    -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth

    -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of
    the head.

    -Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush

    -There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun
    -Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
    -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
    -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
    -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
    -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
    -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
    -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
    -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
    -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
    -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
    -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
    -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
    -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
    -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
    -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
    -Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
    -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there
    -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia
    -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
    -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
    -The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
    -Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    -Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
    -Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
    -Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
    -Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
    -The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
    -In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
    -According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
    -Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
    -Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
    -When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
    -There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
    -Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
    -Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
    -Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
    -Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
    -When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's
    -A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
    -When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
    -Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
    -Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear
    -If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
    -Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    -The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
    -A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
    -Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
    -Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
    -When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
    -While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
    -Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
    -When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
    -When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
    -Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
    -Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
    -For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
    -Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
    -On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
    -Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
    -In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
    -Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
    -Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
    -Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
    -Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    -Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
    -Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
    -It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
    -You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
    -Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
    -The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
    -There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
    -When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
    -Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
    -James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger
    -Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
    -Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
    -Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
    -Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
    -Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order
    -Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
    -There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close
    -An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks
    -Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
    -Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
    -Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
    -Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep
    -Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
    -Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
    -Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
    -Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
    -Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
    -Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
    -Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
    -Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
    -'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
    -Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
    -When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
    -According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    -Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
    -In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
    -Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
    -Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
    -In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
    -Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
    -If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
    -If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
    -Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
    -Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
    -MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
    -Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
    -What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
    -Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
    -Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
    -The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
    -Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
    -On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    -Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
    -Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
    -It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
    -Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
    -Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
    -Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls
    -As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
    -Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
    -Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
    -Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
    -Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
    -Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
    -It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
    -Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
    -Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
    -Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
    -When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
    -One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors
    -When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
    -Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
    -Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

    MTBLAZER89 3/4 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Aug 14, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Oak Harbor, WA
    had to make two posts because there is a 50000 character limit per post:eek1: :haha:

    -Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
    -Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough
    -Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
    -If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
    -In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
    -Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
    -The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
    -Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
    -Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
    -Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
    -Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
    -For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
    -Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
    -Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
    -Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
    -How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
    -The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating
    -Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
    -The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
    -Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
    -It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
    -Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
    -Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
    -Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
    -When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
    -Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
    -182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
    -Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
    -Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
    -All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
    -If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
    -July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
    -Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
    -In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
    -Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
    -If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
    -In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
    -When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
    -Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
    -Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
    -Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
    -Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
    -Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
    -There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
    -President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
    -Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
    -What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
    -Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
    -Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
    -Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
    -Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
    -The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
    -Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
    -Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
    -Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
    -When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
    -Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
    -A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
    -Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
    -In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
    -For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
    -The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
    -Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
    -Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
    -If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
    -Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
    -A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
    -Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
    -They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take **** from anybody.
    -Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
    -"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
    -Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
    -After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
    -Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
    -When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
    -There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
    -Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
    -Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
    -Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
    -Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
    -The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
    -Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
    -Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
    -Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
    -Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
    -TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
    -After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
    -"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
    -Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
    -Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
    -There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
    -One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
    -Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
    -Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
    -Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
    -Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
    -Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
    -When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
    -Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
    -Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
    -Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
    -The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
    -Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
    -They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
    -Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
    -A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
    -Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
    -In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
    -Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
    -Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
    -Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
    -Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.
    -Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
    -In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
    -Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
    -When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars
    -Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
    -Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
    -Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
    -Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
    -Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
    -Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
    -Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
    -Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
    -Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.
    -Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
    -Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
    -Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
    -For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
    -There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
    -During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
    -Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
    -Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
    -Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
    -Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
    -The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
    -Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
    -Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.
    -Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
    -Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
    -Thank you Chuck Norris!
  3. mtnman210

    mtnman210 1/2 ton status

    May 30, 2003
    Likes Received:
    Northridge, Ca
    OK....someone please fill me on on the whole Chuck Norris thing. I've been seeing all this kind of stuff and hear chuck norris jokes?????? what is the sudden fascination with freaking chuck norris:dunno:
  4. midnitewarya

    midnitewarya Sounds like a problem for future me. Premium Member

    Dec 1, 2002
    Likes Received:
    :haha: :haha: :haha:

    That is the most comprehensive list I have ever seen. There was about 30 of them I had never heard. :bow:

    Oh, I just got a t-shirt in the mail, it has a picture of Chuck on it with the word "Hero".


  5. protechk5

    protechk5 1/2 ton status

    Sep 26, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2013

    MTBLAZER89 3/4 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Aug 14, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Oak Harbor, WA
    I don't know either, but it's funny anyway. I got all of this in an e-mail.
  7. stockk5

    stockk5 1/2 ton status Premium Member

    Apr 13, 2004
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    Cromwell, CT
    hahahaha crazy chuckkk
  8. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Jul 17, 2004
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    High velocity, Low altitude
    No kidding. That's great.:haha: :haha: :haha:
  9. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

    Feb 18, 2005
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    Dallas Baby!!!!
    Best list I have seen.
  10. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

    Sep 19, 2003
    Likes Received:

    That is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever heard. :haha::haha:
  11. jekquistk5

    jekquistk5 Weld nekid Premium Member GMOTM Winner

    Jan 18, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Pinckney, MI
    Some of the vin diesel jokes are better.

    Every third sunday of every month Vin Diesel ramdomly selects one child to hurl at the sun.
  12. chalet2506

    chalet2506 1/2 ton status Premium Member

    May 9, 2006
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    oh chit :haha:
  13. 72 Blaze

    72 Blaze 1/2 ton status

    Aug 20, 2006
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    gainesville ga
    Too Funny!

  14. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

    Oct 19, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Tri-Valley, NorCal
    If she comes with a pair of handcuffs and a ball gag, that's marrying material right there......

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