This is LONG, but hilarious Sorry I am bored at work -Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But Chuck Norris hasn't cried, ever. -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -Horses are not only hung like horses, they are also hung like Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris once round house kicked the down syndrome out of a ten year old boy. -Chuck Norris used to be a playable character in the video game Street Fighter 2. He was removed only after the programmers found that pressing any button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch Chuck Norris responded "That's not a glitch." -Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did. - Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. -Chuck Norris has sex with men, not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women to have sex with. -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. -If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. -Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. -Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. -Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a Indian. -In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. -Chuck Norris has to slow down his moves for his movies because when he throws a round house kick he breaks the sound barrier causing a sonic boom and blows the set apart causing long delays in reconstructing the set over and over again. -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. -When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000. -Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. -Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. -Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. -Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. -There is no theory of evolution. Just a bunch of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. -The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist. -Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets. -Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. -Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill -The leading cause of death in the Unites States are: 1 Heart Disease 2 Chuck Norris 3 Cancer -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down. -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush -There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up -Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile. -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. -Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" -Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. -Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate -Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?" -Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. -Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. -The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. -In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. -According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks. -Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. -Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. -When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. -There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. -Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. -Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. -Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. -Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. -When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's -A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. -When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. -Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) -Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. -Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear -If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. -Chuck Norris can divide by zero. -The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. -A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words. -Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. -Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill. -When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. -While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. -Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. -When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. -When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. -Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." -Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. -For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. -Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. -On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun -Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down! -In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe. -Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. -Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. -Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris" -Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. -Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds. -Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. -It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. -You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you. -Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. -The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off. -There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. -Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. -When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. -Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. -James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger -Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won -Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. -Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. -Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. -Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order -Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face. -There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close -An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME. -Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks -Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. -Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography. -Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." -Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep -Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. -Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. -Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way. -Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. -Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking. -Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris" -Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. -Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. -'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. -Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill. -When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. -According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. -Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. -In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. -Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. -Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. -In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly. -Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. -If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. -If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. -Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris." -Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run. -MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it. -Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. -What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”. -Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. -Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. -The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends" -Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple. -On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. -Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about. -Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. -It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. -Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. -Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover. -Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls -As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris." -Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure. -Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. -Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol. -Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn. -Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. -It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. -Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. -Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. -Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. -When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. -One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors -When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. -Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. -Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. -Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.