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5 affairs

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by mudhog, Sep 27, 2002.

  1. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2000
    Posts:
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    Location:
    portland oregon
    There are FIVE of them so keep reading!!!!
    > > > >
    > > > > _________________________________________________________
    > > > > THE FIRST AFFAIR
    > > > >
    > > > > A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
    the
    > >dead
    > > > > bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
    > >examined
    > > > > the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
    > >amazing
    > > > > discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
    > >"I'm
    > > > > sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
    to
    > >be
    > > > > cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this - it has to
    > >be
    > > > > saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to
    > >remove
    > > > the
    > > > > dead man's unit. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
    > >took
    > > > it
    > > > > home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to
    > >show
    > > > you
    > > > > that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my
    > >God!"
    > > > she
    > > > > screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
    > > > > ___________________________________________________________
    > > > > THE SECOND AFFAIR
    > > > >
    > > > > A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
    > >the
    > > > > front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly
    > >rubbed
    > > > > baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
    > > > > "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
    you're
    > >a
    > > > > statue."
    > > > > "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
    > >"Oh,
    > > > it's
    > > > > just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
    > >their
    > > > > bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
    > >about
    > > > > the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
    > > > > Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
    > >kitchen
    > > > > and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
    > >"Here,"
    > >he
    > > > > said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
    > >Smiths'
    > > > > for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
    > > > > ___________________________________________________________
    > > > > THE THIRD AFFAIR
    > > > >
    > > > > A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
    a
    > > > beer.
    > > > >
    > > > > "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
    > > > > The bartender replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu,
    and
    > >he
    > > > > asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and
    a
    > > > fried
    > > > > egg?"
    > > > > "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real
    > >money."
    > > > > "How much money?" inquires the guy.
    > > > > "4 cents", he replies.
    > > > > "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
    place?"
    > > > > The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
    > > > > The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
    > > > > The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
    > > > >
    > > > > ___________________________________________________________
    > > > > THE FOURTH AFFAIR
    > > > >
    > > > > Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil
    by
    > >his
    > > > > side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
    > >praying
    > > > > roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to
    > >move
    > > > > slightly.
    > > > > "My darling Becky," he whispered.
    > > > > "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
    > > > > He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have
    > >something
    > >I
    > > > > must confess to you."
    > > > > "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
    "Everything's
    > >all
    > > > > right, go to sleep."
    > > > > "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
    > >your
    > > > > best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
    > > > > "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"
    > > > > ___________________________________________________________
    > > > > THE FIFTH AFFAIR
    > > > >
    > > > > There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
    > >teenaged
    > > > > daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
    > > > wanted.
    > > > >
    > > > > After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough,
    nine
    > > > > months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed
    to
    > >the
    > > > > nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to
    see
    > >the
    > > > > ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
    > >there
    > > > was
    > > > > no way that he could be the father of that child.
    > > > >
    > > > > "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a
    > >stern
    > > > > look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
    > > > >
    > > > > The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
     
  2. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2001
    Posts:
    2,517
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    corpus christi, texas.
    hahaha omg the last one is cold hearted but damn funny. all of em were great but the last one was just mean. lol. later.

    jacob
     

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