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A few funnys

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, May 3, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

    Day number 180
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 181
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

    Day number 182
    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
    meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
    the mild satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining a piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
    houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
    almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
    oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of
    what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
    what a good little cat I was.... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water
    torture. This time however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds
    could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my
    teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
    event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
    importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must
    learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 -
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and
    seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
    informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
    to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of
    time....

    @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


    A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.
    The doctor tells him he has to develop self-esteem and gives him a booklet on assertive training. He
    reads it on the way home.

    When he walks thru the door and his wife comes to greet him,
    he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the
    table. Now get upstairs and lay my clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When
    I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

    "The undertaker." she replies.
     

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