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a hamster story (LMAO!)

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by muddin4fun, May 22, 2002.

  1. muddin4fun

    muddin4fun 3/4 ton status

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    If you have raised kids (or been one),
    > >> > and gone through the pet
    > >> > > syndrome
    > >> > > > > > >> > including toilet-flush burials for
    > >> > dead goldfish, the story
    > >> > below
    > >> > > > > will
    > >> > > > > > >> > have you laughing out LOUD!!
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > Just after dinner one night, my
    > >> > son came up to tell me there
    > >> > was
    > >> > > > > > >> > something wrong with one of the
    > >> > two hamsters he holds prisoner
    > >> > in
    > >> > > > his
    > >> > > > > room.
    > >> > > > > > "He's
    > >> > > > > > >> > just lying there looking sick," he
    > >> > told me, "I'm serious, Dad.
    > >> > > Can
    > >> > > > > you
    > >> > > > > > >> > help?"
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > I put my best hamster-healer look
    > >> > on my face and followed him
    > >> > > into
    > >> > > > > his
    > >> > > > > > >> > bedroom. One of the little rodents
    > >> > was indeed lying on his
    > >> > back,
    > >> > > > > > ooking stressed. I immediately
    > >> > knew what to do. (Call my
    > >> > wife.)
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Honey," I called, "come look at
    > >> > the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh,"
    > >> > my
    > >> > > > > wife
    > >> > > > > > >> > diagnosed after a minute. "She's
    > >> > having babies."
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "What?" My son demanded. "But
    > >> > their names are Bert and Ernie,
    > >> > > > Mom!"
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > I was equally outraged. "Hey, how
    > >> > can that be?! I thought we
    > >> > > said
    > >> > > > we
    > >> > > > > > >> > didn't want them to reproduce!" I
    > >> > accused my wife.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Well, what do you want me to do,
    > >> > post a sign in their cage?!"
    > >> > > She
    > >> > > > > > >> > inquired.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > (I actually think she had the
    > >> > gall to say this sarcastically.)
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "No, but you were supposed to get
    > >> > two boys!" I reminded her
    > >> > (in
    > >> > > my
    > >> > > > > > most loving, calm, sweet
    > >> > voice, while gritting my teeth
    > >> > > > > together).
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son
    > >> > agreed.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Well, it's just a little hard to
    > >> > tell on some guys, ya know,"
    > >> > > she
    > >> > > > > > >> > informed me. (Again with the
    > >> > sarcasm, ya think?)
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > By now the rest of the family had
    > >> > gathered to see what was
    > >> > going
    > >> > > > on.
    > >> > > > > I
    > >> > > > > > >> > shrugged, deciding to make the
    > >> > best of it. "Kids, this is going
    > >> > > to
    > >> > > > be
    > >> > > > > a
    > >> > > > > > >> > wondrous experience," I announced.
    > >> > "We're about to witness the
    > >> > > > > miracle
    > >> > > > > > >> > of birth."
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Well, isn't THAT just great!
    > >> > What are we going to do with a
    > >> > > > litter
    > >> > > > > of
    > >> > > > > > >> > tiny little hamster babies?" My
    > >> > wife wanted to know. We peered
    > >> > at
    > >> > > > the
    > >> > > > > > >> > patient.
    > >> > > > > > >> > After much struggling, what looked
    > >> > like a tiny foot would
    > >> > appear
    > >> > > > > > >> > briefly, vanishing a scant second
    > >> > later. "We don't appear to be
    > >> > > > > making much
    > >> > > > > > >> > progress," I noted.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "It's breech," my wife whispered,
    > >> > horrified. "Do something,
    > >> > > Dad!"
    > >> > > > My
    > >> > > > > > >> > son urged.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I
    > >> > reached in and grabbed the foot
    > >> > > when
    > >> > > > it
    > >> > > > > > >> > next appeared, giving it a
    > >> > gingerly tug. It disappeared. I
    > >> > tried
    > >> > > > > several
    > >> > > > > > more times with the same
    > >> > results.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Should I call 911?" My eldest
    > >> > daughter wanted to know," Maybe
    > >> > > > they
    > >> > > > > > >> > couldtalk us through the trauma."
    > >> > (You see a pattern here with
    > >> > > the
    > >> > > > > females
    > >> > > > > > in my house?)
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I
    > >> > said grimly.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > We drove to the vet with my son
    > >> > holding the cage in his lap.
    > >> > > > > "Breathe,
    > >> > > > > > >> > Ernie, breathe," he urged.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "I don't think hamsters do
    > >> > Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
    > >> > > > (Women
    > >> > > > > > can be so cruel to their own
    > >> > young. I mean what she does to
    > >> > ME
    > >> > > is
    > >> > > > > one
    > >> > > > > > thing,
    > >> > > > > > >> > but this boy is of her womb.)
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > The vet took Ernie back to the
    > >> > examining room and peered at
    > >> > the
    > >> > > > > little
    > >> > > > > > >> > animal through a magnifying glass.
    > >> > "What do you think, Doc, a
    > >> > > > > > >> > c-section?"
    > >> > > > > > >> > I suggested scientifically. My son
    > >> > appeared impressed by my
    > >> > > > > > observation.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Oh, very interesting," he
    > >> > murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron,
    > >> > may
    > >> > > I
    > >> > > > > > speak to you privately for a
    > >> > moment?" I gulped, nodding for
    > >> > my
    > >> > > > son
    > >> > > > > > to step
    > >> > > > > > >> > outside.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My
    > >> > wife asked.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured
    > >> > us. "This hamster is not in
    > >> > > > labor.
    > >> > > > > In
    > >> > > > > > >> > fact, that isn't EVER going to
    > >> > happen ... Ernie is a boy."
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "What!?"
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "You see, Ernie is a young male
    > >> > AND occasionally, as they come
    > >> > > > into
    > >> > > > > > >> > maturity, like most male species,
    > >> > they um .... er ...
    > >> > masturbate,
    > >> > > > > just
    > >> > > > > > >> > the way he did, lying on his
    > >> > back." He blushed, glancing at my
    > >> > > > wife.
    > >> > > > > "Well,
    > >> > > > > > >> > you know what I'm saying, Mr.
    > >> > Cameron."
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > We were silent, absorbing this.
    > >> > "So Ernie's just ... just ...
    > >> > > > > > excited?"
    > >> > > > > > >> > My wife offered.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Exactly," the vet replied,
    > >> > relieved that we understood. More
    > >> > > > > silence.
    > >> > > > > > >> > Then my vicious, cruel wife
    > >> > started to giggle. And laugh. And
    > >> > > then
    > >> > > > > even
    > >> > > > > > >> > laugh loudly!
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "What's so funny?" I demanded,
    > >> > knowing, but not believing that
    > >> > > the
    > >> > > > > > >> > woman I married would commit the
    > >> > upcoming affront to my
    > >> > flawless
    > >> > > > > manliness.
    > >> > > > > > >> > Tearswere now running down her
    > >> > face. "It's just ... that ...
    > >> > I'm
    > >> > > > > picturing
    > >> > > > > > >> > you pulling on its ... its ...
    > >> > teeny little ..." she gasped for
    > >> > > > more
    > >> > > > > air to
    > >> > > > > > >> > bellow in laughter once more.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "That's enough," I warned.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > We thanked the Veterinarian and
    > >> > hurriedly bundled the hamsters
    > >> > > and
    > >> > > > > our
    > >> > > > > > >> > sonback into the car. He was glad
    > >> > everything was going to be
    > >> > > okay.
    > >> > > > > > >> > "I know Ernie's really thankful
    > >> > for what you've done, Dad," he
    > >> > > > told
    > >> > > > > > me.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife
    > >> > agreed, once again collapsing
    > >> > > > > > >> > intolaughter.
    > >> > > > > > >> >
    > >> > > > > > >> > Enough said.
    >
     
  2. Djroffroad

    Djroffroad 1/2 ton status

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    Good job making it "look like" you copied it /forums/images/icons/wink.gif
     
  3. muddin4fun

    muddin4fun 3/4 ton status

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    *flicks a booger at dj*

    /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif
     
  4. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

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    LOL thats funny, I have a few hamsters (animal lover no laughing) and I have never seen the male do that. I hope I never see him do that eather. :|
     
  5. four_by_ken

    four_by_ken 1/2 ton status

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    You havnt seen them do that becuase, they dont.

    Ken H.
     
  6. K5Jimmy

    K5Jimmy 1/2 ton status

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    You are a twisted person..................keep up the good work.....
     

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