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Alcohol...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by jarheadk5, Feb 3, 2005.

  1. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

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    Dear Alcohol:
    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
    However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball sandwich and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the key into the front door lock.

    4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions, and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,
    Your biggest fan





    P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity
    2. British Constitution
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood to have sex with you.
    2. Nope, no more beer for me.
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
     
  2. Cricket

    Cricket 3/4 ton status

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    On the Impossible list don't forget.

    "Puking is out of the question".
     
  3. 4x4k20

    4x4k20 1/2 ton status

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    thats a good post but obuliveleys you have not a a drink in a lonnng time:p:
     
  4. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

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    If you define "a lonnng time" as a couple days... then you are correct!
     
  5. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    Good stuff. Leave it to a Jarhead to post something like this.

    John
     
  6. Seventy4Blazer

    Seventy4Blazer 3/4 ton status

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    big latian words to that ne brother, im gonna have a few drinks when i get back....:D :D
    Grant
     
  7. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    :haha: :haha: :waytogo: to funny
     
  8. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

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    When do you get back? I'll have a few with you (in spirit anyway) - I ran into SSgt Kimble a couple times during my career, he was a good guy. Hell of a way to go.
    Semper Fi, bro. Stay safe.
     
  9. 79Stomper

    79Stomper 1/2 ton status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Born in a bar so what would you expect??????
     
  10. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    My point exactly! Tun Tavern:bow: Semper Fi, gentlemen.

    John
     
  11. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    what's the difference between a fox and a dog? about 2 6 packs!!!!
     

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