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Andy Rooney on

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by mudhog, Sep 19, 2002.

  1. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
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    Location:
    portland oregon
    1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
    "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
    =================================
    2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
    Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
    prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
    prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars
    on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
    criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
    treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
    rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
    =================================
    3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
    My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
    Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under
    their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our
    wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get
    that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
    ==================================
    4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
    Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
    the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
    women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
    because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
    ==============================
    5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
    You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
    issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't
    know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't
    know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into
    phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to
    stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably
    calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
    ===============================
    6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
    My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
    They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be --
    Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
    making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
    =================================
    7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
    My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
    Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
    entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
    gave you for your birthday.
    ===============================
    8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
    Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
    answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
    right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the
    love."
    Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
    positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
    =====================================
    9. Andy Rooney on Research:
    Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
    implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it
    is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of
    people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't
    remember what to do with them.

    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
     
  2. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    corpus christi, texas.
    hahahahahaha those are great. i love this forum always make me laugh somehow. well later.

    jacob
     

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