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Another child rearing ponder-ance...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by newyorkin, Oct 20, 2004.

  1. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    This is about my stepdaughter...

    Her father apparently shows her old pictures of him and my wife when they were together and tells her she's "thier little angel". I'm not sure if he says he does this in response to her being sad, or that it makes her sad.

    I'm thinking WTF?? Sounds like wallowing in the past and teaching the kid want something she can never have. I take it a little personally, cause no doubt that will foster resentment toward me for the mis-impression that I took her mommy away from her daddy.

    I don't like it for that reason, and because I think it's going to add confusion and blur the concept of love and/or family. She's not at an age or a mental state where she can understand things like this, so what she's seeing is that they were together, and that would be better, but now they're not, and she has to go from one to the other. Unfortunately, child psychology seems to be short on this kind of custom tailored situation, but it implies that these pictures are re-traumatizing her and keeping open wounds that should heal. She was young enough when they split up that these wounds possibly should not have existed anyway (this trauma in particular, aside from the "normal" trauma of separated parents).
    I don't think she's at an age or mental state where she can really understand her parents are individuals also, and I think showing her pictures of an artificially rosy past wouldn't be a good way to control or reduce resentment toward the other parent, but in fact, create resentment. He's a manipulative sob, though, so maybe he knows and intends that and is hiding behind ignorance of pretending to teach whatever it may be that's he's trying to teach.

    So is my personal perception of this clouding my judgement? Can this actually be a good thing for her and I'm not seeing that side of it? /forums/images/graemlins/dunno.gif
     
  2. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    It sounds to me like he's trying to instill a resentment of you in her. Anyone that truly loves their child would not resort to these tactics.

    John
     
  3. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    That's what I'm thinking... I wish I had access to a head shrinker I could ask...
     
  4. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    Dont you hate it when people play those games??? The little "BU-buys"........ etc etc?? Id ask him =what does that supoosed to mean? Id get it out in the open, otherwise it will keep bugging you. /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  5. fjleiter

    fjleiter 1/2 ton status

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    It's called transferance (sp?), basically he is sub-consciously inserting into her head the idea that the divorce and family break-up is your fault. IE: if it weren't for you, the family would still be together and everything would be "great". He's transferred all of the reasons for the divorce onto you.
     
  6. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Well, I kinda can't, this stuff is kinda restricted to him and my wife, since they have joint custody and I'm the step father. Know what I mean, I'm like a third wheel in her upbringing, my opinion can matter, but I don't know if I have the authority to argue over something like this without actual psychology data. Right now I have an opinion on this issue, but very little fact.
    My wife does have the authority, though, so it's up to her how to approach it.
    I also rarely deal directly with him. Our longest conversation was one day when I picked her up in the K5, he talked about how he had one years ago. A few minutes into the conversation I realized he had a Bronco, even though he nodded his head about having to change out the 700r4 /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif....
     
  7. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    [ QUOTE ]
    It sounds to me like he's trying to instill a resentment of you in her. Anyone that truly loves their child would not resort to these tactics.

    John

    [/ QUOTE ]
    Tell the fawker to get lost! she's your child now, right? /forums/images/graemlins/whistling.gif
     
  8. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Ahhhhhh, the word sounds vaguely familiar... Like defense mechanisms but different...

    Thanks... I'm going to look that up a little more... /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  9. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif

    Not yet, she still lives with him. We're working on that, though. Things like this, if it truly is a negative thing, make me feel a little more comfortable with trying to change the custody living arrangement. There are a lot of things we're finding that this kid shouldn't be raised thinking...
     
  10. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    Dude! ya gotta get her away from this guy, any body that will play one adult off of another is no good,! IMHO /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif
     
  11. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    Youd better confront him man!!!!!!! /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gif Mabey pull him aside , and say.= hey "[censored] /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif what did that mean when you said bla bla bla....because it made me feel this way, or that way. I would really apreciate it that you not make insinuations about that please. " Mabey its the fact that you have what he had /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif and he aint GOT IT NO MORE /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif Id tell him whats up, otherwise its going to eat you alive, and you will feel much better too when you do. Its disrespectful to you what he did, dont let him DO YOU like that.Dont even let him think he can do you like that.(lamens terms) /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif Put it in check /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  12. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    He could always "slip" on a bar of soap! /forums/images/graemlins/thinking.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thinking.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thinking.gif /forums/images/graemlins/whistling.gif
     
  13. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    YEAH UNCLAMENTY!!!! /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif I wouldnt even let my wife go 20 miles from her ex( if she had one) .......dude, get him AWAY!!!!!! STAY AWAY /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  14. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    ratch, this guy definitely needs to be called out on his actions. totally wrong to put a kid in that situation, as if the current situation wasnt hard enough.

    Jacob, sounds to me like you're a bit controlling, and maybe even a little bit insecure about your relationship with your wife.
     
  15. Skigirl

    Skigirl 1/2 ton status

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    I think that if you get into a confrontation with the dad, he's just gonna do more of the same just to get back at you. And at the moment he has more access, so he certainly can take advantage of it.

    Frankly, if you just love the kid and let her know it often, mean what you say and do what you say so you are predictable in her world, I think she'll be OK. Have a little faith in the kid.
     
  16. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    [ QUOTE ]
    ratch, this guy definitely needs to be called out on his actions. totally wrong to put a kid in that situation, as if the current situation wasnt hard enough.

    Jacob, sounds to me like you're a bit controlling, and maybe even a little bit insecure about your relationship with your wife.

    [/ QUOTE ] I dont think so, your calculations are INCORRECT /forums/images/graemlins/screwy.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif.My wife does whtever she wants,and we have guidelines that we both follow. I just think what he is doing is wrong. It pisses me off even, because he seems like a real nice guy .
     
  17. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    [ QUOTE ]
    I think that if you get into a confrontation with the dad, he's just gonna do more of the same just to get back at you. And at the moment he has more access, so he certainly can take advantage of it.

    Frankly, if you just love the kid and let her know it often, mean what you say and do what you say so you are predictable in her world, I think she'll be OK. Have a little faith in the kid.

    [/ QUOTE ]
    This is really good advice. The only thing I can add is to talk to your wife about the situation. Tell her how you feel about her father's (your step daughters) actions. You do have an ally (sp?) in this situation. Amazing what a woman can accomplish /forums/images/graemlins/bow.gif

    John
     
  18. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    Right, good point, I agree.

    To keep this in perspective, though, it may have nothing to do with me, that's just a side effect I picked up on. He's more likely trying to manipulate/control my wife through Sara (the stepdaughter), which he's been trying for 10 years.
    He also may be just enough of a dipshot to think this is some kind of good thing for her. The whole reason I'm asking is cause I'm wondering if maybe a shrink would tell a divorced parent to do this to help a kid cope. Maybe he thinks he's reassuring her that she's not a mistake or something. She's NEVER asked my wife why he and her and not together, and has never seemed to want them together, like never asked for him to come if we throw her a party or do some kind of family activity. She may feel less like our kid when she comes to our house and sees my two kids with rooms full of toys or whatever, when she gets an air mattress and some things that my daughter hijacks, but we try to overcome that...not by showing her old pictures of a time that will never be.


    I try to have faith in the kid, but this situation is so ridiculous she is like under his thumb and weak as a veal. I dunno if you sawe my other post, but she is trained to be entirely dependent on other people for *everything*. If you ask her a question she will actually tell you what she thinks you want to hear; I asked her once if she was afraid of balloons, because her father had told us she was afraid of balloons. She told me yeah, but I asked her again later when we started playing with balloons and she said no. He actually told us she was scared of the sun once. WTF?? /forums/images/graemlins/screwy.gif
    Ach, I feel that mode coming on where I complain about her upbringing...

    Anyway, I'm kinda bound to ride this out, but I would like to know if I'm right in thinking it's wrong /forums/images/graemlins/thinking.gif. My wife thought it was very wierd when she read it (he had said it in an email), but hasn't said anything about it to him.
     
  19. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    SKIGIRL is right ,with my stepson i just played daryl moms new husband.he was eight when we met and my wife had some bad relationships before me.dustin even tried hitting one of the guys when he was six.anyway i'm not his dad and we both know it but there are rules in my house that are dfferent than his dads.(mostly no rules /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif).we respect each other and sometimes he even calls me dad.there was a time his dad skunked me out of $2,300.00 /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gifat tax time, but if i would have kicked his ass dustin would hate me and we have a life time comming up together so. /forums/images/graemlins/dunno.gif man,i really wish i knew what to tell you.maybe play dumb and ask him if showing the pictures helps her??his face should give you an answer. your in my prayers bro daryl /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gifto /forums/images/graemlins/truck.gif
     
  20. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    got two stepsons, beenwith them for almost ten years now-they don't call me dad,cause they already have a dad. I will NEVER criticize their father in front of them-then they are forced to take sides. All I can do is let them know that I love them and I will always be there for them.Being a stepparent is a really tough task, all the responsibility and none of the glory, but I don't regret the decision.
     

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