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Another Tall Tale from Bubba, Deputy Sheriff

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Bubba Ray Boudreaux, Jan 26, 2005.

  1. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    As with any other day in this profession, one can never tell what we'll face once we get strapped in. There's been the times that getting our asses kicked by boredom was the recipe of the day and there's been times that chaos and confusion reign supreme.

    My first and only call :D of the day was the report of a mass murder in one of our towns. I arrive and talk to some kids at the reported scene of the crime, but they know nothing and I couldn't locate the person who report this heinous act. I could see that the suspects had left and my ambition to string crime scene tape around a bunch of chicken coops and their lifeless bodies and attempt to locate the canines responsible was somewhere around zero, so I left.

    I hit the office and find that my jackass neighbor has a little note from our local judge, along with a note from the sheriff stating that special emphasis should be placed on delivering this "note" to the jackass. Well who the hell am I to disappoint? So I head home, get a warm meal and off into the darkness I go to make my delivery. In no time at all, I find him and deliver the note, and of course the ride back to my "house" for him. He kindly informed me that if I didn't arrest everyone else involved in his transgressions, he would seek some sort of damages from my employer. Darn, I was shaking in my boots.

    I get him delivered to his new home and go do some stuff and off into the county I go. This night was proving to be one of those that I don't like. The sleep monster is calling me out pretty hard and there's not a soul to be seen for hours on end.

    Finally the radio crackles to life from one of the locals and the way he sounds and the information he is requesting, I figure I might as well go see what's happening. I show up and then my brother shows up and they get to searching. Seems like when the cop who made the stop initiated contact, he smelled an odor that eminates from a green, leafy substance consistant with being identified as marijuana.

    I do my duty and hang out with the driver. Now one has to have an open mind as we can learn things from the people we meet. For me, this was one of those occassions. In my year on the street and over 1200 hours of training, I had must of missed the class this guy spoke of. According to him, we cops have the ability, no matter how dark it is or just how much of our view is obstructed by stuff in the windows, we can tell when black people are in the vehicle. That was definately a new one on me. Heck, I even asked him how someone like me, at that time of night (midnight) and him driving the mid 80's fullsize Ford van with the little curtains on the back windows would be able to tell he was black. "You can just tell." I didn't have the heart to tell him that if it was me making the stop and if I was to profile everything I saw on the vehicle that I would think it would had been some recent guests of the Jerry Springer show that was pigment deficient.

    A few minutes go by and arrests are being made and my partner gets a 911 call with a report of someone banging on the doors. Well I have to break loose and the best part is that I'm only about 45 miles away from the call. :D

    I hop in and quickly get the afterburners going and I'm off to the races. One of the things that the better law enforcement training schools teach us is a little braking and steering manuever to avoid some sort of obstacle. It's a manuever that when first seen, looks harder accomplishing successfully; but in reality is easier to pull off when compared to trying to tell when Bill Clinton is lying. :D

    Within about the first five miles of my run, I'm well above 120 mph with the lights and siren going. Of course the siren is just about useless, but it's on for several reasons. As for the lights, if you never have been in my neck of the woods, it's not exactly windy, mountain roads out here. Even the half baked stoner who looks in their mirror every 5-10 minutes will see us coming. Well, I'm all about the gas pedal and before I know it, there's a black colored pickup with no taillights coming up in my windshield just a little faster than I would like it to. Then I realize my next problem, I have a car coming the other way. I slam on the brakes, thanking whoever came up with ABS because without them, my collision avoidance system would had locked the tires. The oncoming car clears and even with my extreme foot pressure on the brakes, I'm not gonna get slowed down enough to avoid this pickup so I whip out into the oncoming lane.

    Well my next obstacle has already arrived. The black pickup is being towed by what we call Mexican trains. These are Mexicans who go up north, buy a couple of barely drivable vehicles and transport them back to the Mexico. I see Hyundais towing stuff back, it's amazing. And these yahoos, they do the bare minimum to keep from getting stopped for some equipment violation. As I'm going around this first set that I almost plowed into, I noticed that instead of putting the lights on the pickup bed, they were on top of the cab, so there's a whole Ford Ranger bed painted black that cannot be seen. There's about four of these rigs in line and they finally started going to the shoulder since there was more oncoming traffic. Best part is that I estimated their speed somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 mph below the legal speed limit.

    I clear them and for the next 20 miles, I have an uneventful drive until I start coming into another town. It's here that I need to hit a backroad to miss town. I have to turn off right to hit the bypass and I have a lot of cars that I need to swoop around. I clear my first set and and the second set is in the left hand lane, which will make it easier on me; or so I thought. I definately was decelarating and brought it to about 70 and I am in the right lane for my turn. Well those in front of me in the left lane decide to yield to the right, which is right anyway you look at it, but of course they all slam on the brakes, requiring me to swerve around more vehicles................

    I finally made it a total of 30 miles before my partner, who got to the call a few minutes earlier called me off. Even though I had another 15 miles to go with no traffic whatsoever, I was relieved. I pulled off to the side to unwind for a few minutes before I turned around.

    It amazes me at some of the stuff I see when those lights go on. I've had people stop in the middle of the road or just not pay attention. I've had people go "deer in the headlights" and seem like they are clueless to what is going on around them. Needless to say, making these hot calls or pursuing a drug dealer in a stolen car in California like traffic has been the most stressful. The driving is easy, but to anticipate what the other driver is going to do, with the limited amount of time to do it in with the higher speeds will really make the old butthole tight enough to make the prison pirates smile with glee.
     
  2. southernspeed

    southernspeed 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    That's just 'cause of the way they drive!!:haha: Over here they always say "is it 'cause 'am black ya 'no'? NO..it's cause your acting like a freekin' ar****le.!:grin:
    Hey Bubba, that whole tale put a smile on my face on this cold, damp Surrey morning! Would love to have seen the look on your face when you came across that mexican train!!:grin: :grin:
     
  3. divorced

    divorced 3/4 ton status

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    What about the morons that don't realize they are getting pulled over and you have to follow them for a few miles before they realize you are even there, can they get some type of "head in a$$" ticket for not paying attention? If these people miss all the cop lights behind them, I'd hate to imagine what else they miss.
     
  4. divorced

    divorced 3/4 ton status

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    This is a good one also. It IS because they are black. It has nothing to do with the fact that they have a headlight out, cracked windsheild, expired tags, kids not in carseats, 8 people in a 4 passenger vehicle, no muffler, tail light lens broken...
     
  5. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    I'll be able to tell once I convert the video by how many words that I said that are not allowed on broadcast TV. :D

    I was messing with this guy a little bit. First it was the so-called "Blackdar" he said we had. Then he started going on about how he did slow down for the 30 mph zone in the town he got stopped in. He kept on going on and on about it. I started asking him if he saw the sign that marked the 30 mph zone and he kept on saying yes and I finally asked him if he could point the sign out for me and he said yes. That's when I told him there was no 30 mph zone in that town. :D
     
  6. mosesburb

    mosesburb For Rent Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    That just goes to show you were picking on him just because he was blick :D .
     
  7. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Man you pigs are all the same always keepin a brotha down...:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
     
  8. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    :D :D :D
     
  9. Goober

    Goober 1/2 ton status

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    :haha: bwaaahaaaahaaaaa :haha:
     
  10. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    English English is so much cooler than American English, even not counting cockney rhyming slang

    Bubba, that's pretty damn eloquent and flowing, on the level of high prose almost
     
  11. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

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    If you rearrange the paragraphs, it would be like a Tarantino film. Without the 5-point exploding heart technique. Got any more of those?
     
  12. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    YEAH!

    Fade from black into a shot of bubbas crotch strapped in to his police rig and go into braking, watch the belt cut into him and then pan up to a low shot of him grimacing.

    Then go to a straight on side shot with a monolouge and very little movement. Throughout fading in have some off beat slow song to juxtaposize the fast action of the car chase.

    Cut out of the monolouge suddenly with an amazing car dodge shot from above and have the camera arc down to behind the rig, then zoom in over the shoulder.

    Gove it a nice anticlimax when it's called off and he pulls over in oblivion with no one around. pan up from his feet after he gest out of the car and leans back agains the door all the way to the night sky. Pan back down to a different are and whip out the plot!

    DEAR GOD I NEED STUDIO BACKING!

    Hey Bubba, want to be in the U7 altiverse as a Unit One: PAT/RIOT (Pursuit And Takedown/Rally In Other Teams) Division man? You get a special hatttttttt!
     
  13. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Slow pan out then a medium zoom back in following Bubba as he runs around the other side of the car to swap into a clean pair of Depends.....:yikes: Just kiddin' you there Bubba, I know you didn't shart. But I bet you wish you woulda had a charcoal briquet in your sphincter, it'd be the Hope diamond now......
     
  14. camiswelding

    camiswelding 1/2 ton status

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    Again... war stories from the legend... bubba...

    You are my hero....

    Bubba ...I would say you are learning things for your second career.... I think they would love you in Hollyweird...
    you know
    THE BUBBA SHOW...live from okiland...:)

    Keep the stories coming... you are reminding me why retirement is so nice

    cam
     
  15. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    How many times have you ran across something like this????????????

    I leave the office tonight and since I'm the unofficial tag light chaser for my department, it's not long until I find one. So I turn around and next thing I know, the car is in between lanes. So I light it up and the car keeps going and giving some pretty good DUI indicators. We turn south and the car keeps going, so I make the "failing to stop" call and finally, the car stops.

    Out hops this lady, about forty years old and starts telling me in pretty good English that she just got a job and is teaching herself how to drive. By this time, I have one of the locals screeching to halt. I escort the lady back to her car and walk back to the other cop and I'm LMAO. Then my partner comes screaming, hops out, I tell him what's up and he says, "screw this, I'm leaving." :D

    Sure enough, no license and I actually felt bad about the ticket, but being that it's "policy" for us to take them all to jail; I figure the ticket, some advice on how to go about getting her license and that the little red and blue flashy lights actually are not there for looks would be sufficient since she stopped across the street from her house.

    :D :D :D

    As has been already officially declared by my boss about a month ago, I'm the department sh*t magnet.
     

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