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Any writers in here? I need help re-writing something.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by BranndonC, Mar 11, 2007.

  1. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    My wife and I are real estate agents. We are targeting off roaders as our niche. The majority of off roaders like trail rides (90% or more) so I want to re word the intro paragraph to be about something other than a mud hole, but still be gripping and interesting. The whole thing is supposed to make us appear friendly, yet professional. I think we focus a bit too much on off roading in these first few paragraphs.

    If you have some suggestions or re wording, I'm glad to hear them. Our site where it is at is in my sig. This will also go on our brochures.

    ========================== TEXT =========================
    As they sat back looking at the massive mud hole in front of them, "Floor it!" Brianne yelled to Branndon, signaling him to tackle it full throttle. It's that attitude and adventureous spirit which guides them through their everyday lives.

    As far back as they can remember, Branndon and Brianne have been advocates for the thrills and sense of freedom hitting the trails can offer. There's never a dull moment when offroading, and it's sure to be an experience they'll never forget.

    Slipping off their sandals on a clear summer day at the beach to strapping on their snowboards after the season's first snowfall, these Orange County natives activities' change with the season, but their one passon that thrives year round is off roading.
     
  2. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    jek-ified...

    did what I could in 5 mins... it could be tweaked further. lemme know what ya think. Not trying to be a bungholio, but I'd rather have a real estate agent that was less "hammer down, balls to the wall" and a little more, "knows when to crawl and when to haul". :thumb:

    j
     
  3. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    I would think that speaking of something a little more serene like a slow ride on a mountain back road that few see would be a little more grabbing. You still keep the adventurous tone, while forming a picture of serenity. I really wish I wasn't at work and was about half drunk, I could probably come up with something really good................:D

    Something like that should be a good starter. I should really quit goofing off surfing and go arrest someone. My partner is making me look bad tonight:haha:
     
  4. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    Thanks guys, I'm liking them and getting great ideas. Keep them coming, and when we mesh all the ideas together into one GREAT idea, I'll post it up here.
     
  5. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Things are a little hectic at my place right now, but I'll see if I can set aside a few minutes tomorrow and come up with something for the two you. FWIW, I like your angle, brother!!! :thumb:
     
  6. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    Thanks!
     
  7. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

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    Hi Branndon!

    I really like Jeks intro.. very attention getting.. here's what I would add, with one minor tweak at the end of jeks opener:

    "Brandon and Brianna idled at the base of a challenging, rock-strewn hill climb. "If you want to get up that rock ledge in the middle, you're going to have to hammer down after that first turn!", Brianne yelled. It's the wisdom of knowing when to crawl and when to haul that guides them through not only their off roading hobby, but also helps them guide you through your real estate buying experience..

    like the toughest mountain trail, the real estate buying experience is full of pitfalls and obstacles, and some of those you will never see untill it is too late. Like some trails, real estate buying is not for novice to attempt on their own.

    The key to success in both endeavors is having experienced guides who can navigate the trails, and keep the obstacles from slowing you down, or stopping you entirely..

    Avoid getting "stuck"... call Branndon & Brianne Today!"

    So that's it.. feel free to use it or not, some or none..

    I'm of the belief that everything written should be about the customer, why they should engage you, and what they get out of being your customer.

    being able to weave a story about your passion for offroading & offroading people, and relating that to how you use that to benefit your customers all at the same time will seperate you from all of the other realtors out there..

    Whatever you write, just imagine that you are your customer, and ask yourself, " Why should I care about this, what's in it for me "? and tweak what you are writing until your words show you care..

    Lastly, at this time I wanted to give a public shout out to branndon.. I had him get his people involved in my friends move to vegas last year.. my buddy ended up deciding not to move ( yet ), but branndon did everything he said he'd do, and his people were very professional, so if you need a realtor, he can get it done..

    Tom
     
  8. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    props 4x4... good addition.

    j
     
  9. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    leave it to you Tom!you always find a way to get the point across and do it very well.:bow: :bow: iima call you later bro.
     
  10. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    Thanks Tom! I called the agents I had him in touch with a few times just to make sure he was being taken care of. Thanks for all the tips and re writing. I'm sure I'll incorporate some of it into the brochure and site. [​IMG]
     
  11. 79k20350

    79k20350 3/4 ton status

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    I defiently like toms additions. They add alot more professionality and actually go over what you do. The other ideas are great but dont dive into realestate enough. The hint the corilation-sp? but dont actually mention it.
     
  12. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    I'm actually copying a very very very expensive marketing company who works soley with realtors. Their whole business centers around "emotonial marketing". In every one of the dozen or more brochures I've read of theirs, 3/4 of it is just to make you like the people, and think that you would like working with them. In the last 1/4 of the brochure, they tie it all into real estate. That's why I worded it like I did initialy. I will still incorporate the ideas into it though because I really like them :)
     
  13. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    good call... bling marketing peeps would know (you'd hope!) what would work better than a bunch of yahoos on ck5.com. My guess is, if they don't... they ain't gonna be around long. :thumb:

    j
     
  14. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

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    Some marketing 101 for ya..

    Hey all.. thanks for the nice words about my additions.. In all honesty though, jeks opener was the springboard for the direction I took, and I sort of guessed at what Branndon might be trying to say, after I looked at his post and his webpage..

    Branndon, that's great you found realtor specific marketing help..

    I had a few more random thoughts for you about all this..

    If I haven't told you about him before, google jeff gitomer... he has the "sales caffiene" e - newsletter.. a weekly bulletin that's full of sales, marketing, and communication tips you can apply to about any business..

    One thing he talks about in order to build leads and presence is to do speaking gigs for as many organizations that will have you.. it wouldn't be a sales pitch per se', but you could give a talk on how to improve the resale value of your home, or how to read a home loan document, or something like that.. then have everyone give you a business card in exchange for an informational white paper you give them.. something like "the top 10 mistakes homebuyers make" or something..


    I've actually done this myself with some success.. I'll speak at the meetings of clean air groups about the various methods of reducing diesel pollution, hit the pros and cons of each technology, and talk about why adoption of new technologies is difficult.. these people all know other people with fleets, so then I get introduced as a friend and and industry expert, and not a product pusher..

    The key is to create a niche for yourself.. is there something that home buyers and sellers would like their realtors to do for them, but most realtors haven't thought to do?

    something else that I picked up that might help you:... take a sheet of paper, divide it in half.. on one side, list all of the features and benefits of your services.. on the other side, list all of the stresses, worries, pitfalls and unexpected expenses that your customers might face in their real estate ventures.. rhetorical question: which column would your potential customers like to talk about ( and hear or read about ) the most? ...

    it's a neat exercise that helps clarify the thinking..

    anyway, sorry I bored everyone with this, I just want my CK5 brother to rule the real estate world.. these are things I learned on my own, the hard way, so if someone's path can be made easier....

    oh, by the way Branndon,...if you think it's appropriate, go ahead and throw my little testimonial on your website.. I'll talk to anyone who will listen..

    Tom
     
  15. Russell

    Russell LB7 Tahoe Status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Branndon -- can I make one suggestion?

    I'd change "... massive mud hole in front of them, "Floor it!" Brianne yelled to Branndon, signaling him to tackle it..."

    to

    ""... massive mud hole in front of them. Brianne yelled to Branndon, "Floor it!" signaling him to tackle it..."

    Having the "Floor it!" before the "Brianne yelled to Branndon" reads kinda awkward in my opinion :)
     
  16. odoa3

    odoa3 1/2 ton status

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    As for the professionalism, you could add some verbage about Tread Lightly! and other responsible wheeling practices that show that you are not just renegade earth destroyers. I know California has quiet a few rules about wheeling and this might help with people understand who are not into wheeling.

    Just an idea.
     
  17. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    Thanks everyone, Tom, Jek, and everyone else who helped. My wife loved Jek's inital take on it and we decided to go with that. It's less real estate and more off road and us. And Tom, thanks for the info, you signed me up for the jeff gitomer newsletters before. There good reading. I like helping small business owners like you. It's great seeing other people grow their business no matter what the field is!
     
  18. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    thanks for the kudos man. I actually want to write a novel when I get the time... aka when I get my bosses job and sit around in front of a PC for 7 hours per day. I know I don't show it much when I write posts here on ck5, but I can write. I would have won a writing award in college if I hadn't chosen a pro-gun stance in a paper for an arguemenative english class... in a left-leaning environment. :thumb:

    anyway, glad it worked for ya. If you need anything similar in the future, lemme know.

    j
     

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