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Anybody Know THIS Guy?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by firefighter184, Mar 13, 2006.

  1. firefighter184

    firefighter184 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    The Barrio
    There I was:

    As I was leaving my house to go to the store today, I stuffed my Glock 10mm
    "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911
    with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster
    custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and
    holster making. These are the ones used by Delta, which I used to be a part
    of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

    I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing
    a T-Shirt underneath reading "RANGER." That way, nobody can see what I'm
    packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the
    gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet
    with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge".

    I was ready for anything.

    I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know.
    It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding
    fury.

    I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nervous looking girl scout
    eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. The mother
    returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my
    years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive
    movement for an offensive weapon. I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but
    fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming
    rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that.

    The store owner called 911 which is good, because I then did a roll and
    attempted to draw my Glock. Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster,
    the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for
    that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for
    the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something
    to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I
    drew my trusty custom 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be
    impressed with that.

    I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way
    and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

    I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I
    just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right side
    anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I
    recovered my wind.

    Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my
    groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her
    that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now. As she
    ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made
    for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck.

    I jumped into the driver seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli
    contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle
    it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to
    start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the scene.

    My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to
    taze me.

    At this point, I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom
    1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew
    then that I had to take out the woman with the purse. So I aimed my revolver
    at her, at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in
    the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body armor.

    I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil
    temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the
    police in the background - I knew it was a ruse. I pulled out my concealed
    weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out
    "I'm one of you guys!!!" He continued to cover me, and ordered me to drop my
    38 so I laid it down. After all, I still had my bayonet attached to my ass.
    The cop walked toward me, and upon reading the badge maced me right in the
    eyes.

    Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was
    able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one
    nipple...easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and
    began to run zig zag for a ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of
    my ass slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now.

    I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not
    a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by
    a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel
    of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my
    classified experiences in Tajikistan that once I broke his ankle, the cop
    would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out
    but not hurting him.

    Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped me
    and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed
    it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I
    was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. Next thing
    those cops knew, I was unconscious.

    That'll teach 'em.
     
  2. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

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    Dallas Baby!!!!
    omg. That is funny.
     
  3. spongeidys

    spongeidys 1/2 ton status

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    agreed
     
  4. GotLabs

    GotLabs 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    x3.:haha:
     
  5. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    A day in the life, a short novella by 1-Ton
     
  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Oh come on Fumes, let it go
     
  7. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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  8. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Wheres the toolbox in that?:D
     
  9. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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  10. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
  11. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

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    Took me like 5 minutes to get through that, I was laughing so hard.
    I think this was the best line:
     
  12. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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  13. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
     
  14. gjk5

    gjk5 3/4 ton status

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    That was friggin' hilarious.




    And yes, unfortunately I do know that guy, and there's at least one of his clones at the range every time I go.
     
  15. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

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    C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
    too good!
     
  16. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

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    Bawwwhahahahaha:D :D :D :D :D

    He said nipple. But easily replaced.:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  17. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    I KNOW THAT GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    He's applied to every law enforcement agency in the Tri-State area, but gets hung up on the background everytime. Last I heard, he was a mall ninja somewhere.............................:haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  18. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Mall ninja...Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
     
  19. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    If you have never read the chronicles of the mall ninja, you must. I guess it first appeared on the 'Net around '98. Some of the funniest stuff you will ever read. It must be stashed somewhere. Just a little taste, how about a Mall Security SWAT team????????????????:D
     
  20. nc87k5

    nc87k5 3/4 ton status

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    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: that's funny as hell!
     

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