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Anyone else sick of living??? some advice needed!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by diesel4me, Sep 23, 2005.

  1. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    I'm just curious...anyone here ever feel like they'ed be better off if they could just go to sleep and not wake up again??..

    I have!..just about every day!..I'm sick of waking up feeling dead from the colds and bronchitis I've had over a month now..I hate living here uder my 77 year old mothers thumb,having to put up with her constant complaining about bills-( she gets 1000 a month in SSI--I could make that go a LOT farther than her--she squanders a lot on lottery tickets and handouts to relatives--then crabs at me about wasting electricity on the computer!--our electric bill was 80 bucks last month--and I've done NOTHING in my shop to use that kind of power!)..EVERYTHING is going up due to fuel prices!--I havent a clue how we'll heat the house this winter.. :(

    -I cant get a nights sleep thanks to her coughing from Emphasema all night (and all day too)...I'm too ill to go find a job,and its been so long since I had one I doubt I could work 8 hrs a day anyway..my doctor wont help me try for disability--and even if he did,it can take up to 2 years to get your case heard..I dont have 2 years of pay in the bank anymore..cant wait that long..welfare wont give me anything,since I have a place to live..

    I'm not looking for a "free ride"!--I've always worked and supported myself until I quit my last "real" job 11 years ago--since then I've been self employed,mostly working out of my shop, or at friends legit bussinesses "under the table" so to speak--but I've lived well below the poverty level all my life..most of the work I did I didn't charge much for,or didn't get paid at all most of the time..

    I helped one friend fix cars for 2 years while his 11 year old son was dying of leukmia,and he was struggling to stay afloat..I only took 20 bucks a day,even if I made him 100 or more--I felt really bad for him--his son died 2 years ago..I know I should have been working a real job--but I could work on "easy" stuff at my own pace--no boss cracking the whip all day..I always hated working in a retail store--its like a paid jail sentence 8 hours a day in my opinion--and my stomach was always an ulcer the whole time I did work in stores..

    I think I was lucky if I made 5 grand over the last 11 years..good thing I lived with my parents,and they put up with me not paying room and board (though they resented it,they did appreciate my staying to help them rather than go live my own life-(at least my DAD did!)-like I did for 5 years,and wish now I KEPT doing,now that my mom has become a bitter angry tyrant..who expects everything--but does help me out,at a big price--the GUILT trip !!)..

    I should have kissed this place goodbye after my dad passed away..been HELL here since..I admit I had a good life the past 11 years--got to go places and see things I never would have if I stayed in a 9-5 job..I'm paying for it now though--but after seeing my dad fail so quickly and have to take early retirement,I vowed I'm going to have my fun early in life--while I still was able to physically..my dad was bedridden practically from the day he retired..not my cup of tea,work all your life,then wait to die,and have NO fun.. :doah:

    Even ading up all my "legit" jobs pay stubs listed on my social security printout they sent,I've only made less than 80 grand my whole life!--and since I havent paid into the SSI system for 11 years,I dont have enough "credits" to be eligible for disability..( I have scoliosis in my spine,among other physical limitations--not counting my recent bout with bronchitis thats got me feeling more dead than alive..)..but I can walk and talk,so as far as they care,I'm NOT eleigible for any assistance..I'd like to know how all the immigrant fakers who smoke and sell crack for a living get on SSI so easily and quickly?--or is that the best way?--become an addict,then everything will be handed to you??... :confused:

    I'm not posting this looking for sympathy or just to whine about it--I'd just like to know what some of you would do if you found yourself in your late 40's,single,unemployed,(and probbly unemployaBLE)--ineligible for any government assistance,and facing the death of the parent who you've helped care for,and gotten spiteful treatment in return for--who wont even tell you if your in the will or not!..(and probably I AM not--or at least wont be in it as much as the other siblings who did little or nothing for her all theese years)..all the while having dental and medical issues that need attention!..

    Anyday now I face losing all I own when she passes--the computer will be gone,my garage,and probably my place to stay too!..I'll be living in my unregistered van(if I dont sell it for scrap first)..I know most of this is my own dam fault for letting this go out of control for so long..but time has a way of passing quickly--suddenly,like the Pink Floyd song says "ten years have got behind you--no one told you when to run--you missed the starting gun"...then you wake up and find yourself in such a mess,that NO way out seems possible...Now what??..any suggestions??.. I dont have the answers..: :screwy: :eek: ( :crazy:

    sorry for the long rant--but I figured MAYBE some of you have been in,or know someone in a similar situation,and might have some advice.. :crazy:
     
  2. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    .... :eek1: so many thoughts... how about trying some sort of internet work or work from home type jobs, to get some income. i dont really know what to say, but i'm sorry about your situation and wish ther was something i could do to help
     
  3. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Here's my take on things. Take it for what it's worth:

    It sounds like you've spent your whole life putting yourself second. While there is much to be said for your compassion, all you've really done is held yourself back. It also sound like very few of the people who have gained from your losses have returned the favor when YOU started to need help. Basically, the only way to get out of your rut is to start looking out for #1, because I doubt you'll find someone like you to come to your rescue when everything falls apart.

    So where do you go from here? Logic says to bail out from your current situation- move out, perhaps move to a new town or state, and start off fresh. Now that's a lot easier said than done, especially when it involves leaving your sick mother, regardless of how poorly she treats you, but deep down inside you know I'm right.

    So, no, I can't really give you any advice on what step to take next. All I know is that you REALLY need to start putting your needs and dreams first, maybe for the first time in your life. Is it selfish to think that way? Maybe. Can you afford to keep living the way you have? No.

    As far as the sicknesses go, keep in mind that a tired and sad mind leads to a tired and sad body. Negative thoughts and stress are probably just as much to blame for your health problems as anything other influences in your life.

    Anyhow, keep your chin up brother. You can take solace in the fact that no matter how low you go, you still live in one of the best societies in the world. PM me if you need to chat. Anytime.
     
  4. dremu

    dremu Officious Thread Derailer Premium Member

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    Well, on the face of it, you seem like a poster child for antidepressants. However, I think you've mentioned them as a past thing for you, and I have some personal experience in this arena.

    If your life is wonderful and all is well and good and you're depressed, then sure, medication might help.

    If your life is miserable, medication won't change that. I was in a lousy situation, and you know, ain't no pill gonna fix that. I changed the situation, and voila, I'm happier.

    Am I ecstatic? No. Was it easy? Hell no. I left behind a wife and home ... though they were part of the bad situation, they were also a source of solace for me. But after almost two years, I own my OWN home with a small herd of C/K trucks and I'm dating again and doing okay.

    So, my .02 -- take it with a 50# bag of salt -- is that you gotta decide whether Doing The Right Thing for your mom is worth your sanity.

    It might behoove you to look up an old school buddy and move out of state, I donno. Set a goal that says you do this by, say, the end of the year, whatever... make arrangements as best you can for your mom with other siblings, whoever ... then get on with your life.

    Your mileage may vary.

    -- A
     
  5. SkulzNBonz

    SkulzNBonz 1/2 ton status

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    Man that is rough. Suicide or losing the will to live is never the answer. Life is a hard mother, and it takes ALOT of work to break even, let alone anything else. I went through a rough stretch for a few years where it seemed like I would never get out of the hole I was in. Perseverance (sp?) and faith in the Almighty finally got me through the worst of it. Definately get out and find some work, and work hard. It'll come together, but it won't be easy. Having strong faith helps a bunch, IMO. I wish you the best.

    John
     
  6. RingMaster4x4

    RingMaster4x4 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    Not to be rude but why not get you mom in to a nusing home?
     
  7. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

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    I lost everything several years ago. Even lived on the streets of Dallas for a while. Talk about scary! All I can say is, You have to take the plunge. Hitting bottom was a good thing to happen to me. It made me realize that all of the things that bothered me were of almost no consequence to my life as a whole. I think it was Chuck Swindol that said "life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it" Having mild scoliosis since the third grade I can empathise with you on that count, but at the same time my high activity level has kept it in check and I can do most anything now. I worked through the pain for a long time, and now if it still there I am so used to it that I don't notice it.
    In summary: Get out, Get a job, Get on with your life while you still can.
    BTW...Suicide is only for gutless pu$$ies.
    Just my $.02
     
  8. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    I read the first line and thats about it :D I wake up every single day in cronic dibilitating pain and sometimes I even wonder if its all worth it....But it has to be better than the alternative, the big dirt nap. Now dig your dick outta the dirt and sack up. :D
     
  9. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

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    Ok i hope not to make this to long.

    My wife's cousin Randy was the only one of the children to take care of his mother from the time she got cancer. His pa ran off when some of the youngest kid were still not in school. He was out on his own from before he quit school to several years later when his mother got sick. He lived with her for near 15 years in a old mill house with a makeshift bathroom added on to the back. I will assume we all know how these over 100 year old mill houses are that got indoor restroom and elec added somewhere are. There wer only propane heaters in the two of 4 rooms in the house with blankets used for the inside doors. He lived with her till the end. Not saying if you need to or not. only 2 other helped and signed the note to cover the part of the funeral that the insurance did not. He went back to an old job he had who knows how many years ago with just a few references from his friend or two and an explaination of why no work history. He drove a car with no insurance and lived in the house as long as possible on a very low paying job. He did have a good outlook that i believed helped. But ten years later he has a few cars in his yard but just renting and none of the cars were bought new but they all run. He has worked there long enough to make a good reference and then move on to something else. Just keep at working to make things better little by little. If you already have nothing then anything you gain is something.

    You need to have a talk with other kin around you and ask what thier plans are about when your ma passes. And hint that you have stayed there and helped her not getting appreciated while they lived there own life. If you want out let them know it is your turn and you need to leave. Leave them there in front of her or her in front of them and let it be known that she is thier responsibility you done it for how long. And then leave but feel good for all your helping over the years and get started on doing things for you.

    Ther are jobs out there for you to start off doing. Some examples:Unarmed security at different companies or hospitals etc.. , detailing cars at a car lot, grocery store work i think will have better advancement opprotunities sp and people have to eat no matter how bad the economy gets. Just talk to a few people and work on getting something started. Be positive.
     
  10. ryoken

    ryoken Puppy Fabricator Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    lot of good advice in the thread.. i'm just gonna throw a couple tidbits out to ya because i had actually written out a long post to you in your thead about being sick, but it got wiped out.. :doah:

    i have noticed it getting to you more and more over the last 6 months or so, progressing.. all i can tell you man is, FIGHT IT.. not so much a suicide thing, but more just the little everyday battles your going thru.. just a little change in attitude or approach to many situations can change things drastically in the long run...

    the being sick thing.. once your feeling somewhat better, maybe a little lifestyle change would help.. go for a walk every night.. i know it sounds ghey, but it will start to give you some benefits in no time... on that note.....

    when i had a heart attack 5 yrs ago (had a stent put in), it was a long road back.. i had been feeling crappy and had been abusing myself.. smoking, 40 lbs overweight, etc.. well, obviously that woke me up.. so i started just taking a light bike ride every night... just casual.. but after a few months it really started paying off..

    maybe some diet change might help ya too... it can be hard, eating good tends to cost you more.. the crap is whats always on sale... maybe an afternoon of Google research on nutrition might reveal some helpful hints..

    also, i know your hurting, but honestly, the more you sit around, the worse your gonna feel.. when i was home a couple years ago for 4 months from a really badly broken collarbone, i felt so crappy when i got back to work. but within a week or so, i felt great...

    oh, and drowning yourself in liquor wont help, please try to keep that under control.. i have a very dear friend who almost died recently from just living in mom's basement and drinking everynight for the last 10 years... it took an emergency room trip and a bad detox to wake him up.. i'm greatful he seems to have turned the corner.. but its a long road back...

    maybe a non-strenuous part-time job would get ya out, give ya some energy and motivation... heck, maybe a parttime spot right down the street at one of those home Depots or something...

    i too, have been having some severe issues over the last few months... not physically, feel pretty darn good for a battered old pool dog... but my financial situation has become critical, and i do mean critical over the last 2 months... i'm just plugging away trying to work as much as i possibly can and hopefully in a couple months it'll have paid off... hopefully... its a good thing i tend to be a blind optimist most of the time... not to mention my daughter has been giving me fits since graduation...

    anyway, i really hope everything starts to turn for the better for ya... just keep fightin.. i feel like i relate to you somewhat with age, work experience, etc.. your posts tend to reflect alot of my own experiences and thoughts...

    if we can help in anyway, just holla or pm us... :D
     
  11. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    There is a postive aspect to this. As others have said, you have nothing to lose.
    Pride is meaningless and hollow, don't let it get in the way of anything that could advance you.

    I don't envy your situation, so I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but if I had nothing left, I hope I would take the most positive direction I could find; Nothing can hold me down, and I would seek two success for every failure, and aggressively attack obstacles. It would help to form a goal first, too.

    You're letting despair cloud your vision. You're letting past obstacles remain future obstacles. The past is great to learn from, but, you can't dwell on it so much that it restricts life, and past experience drowns your desire to try again.
    Life is not meant to be work hard til you retire, then just live out whatever's left miserably. You may have taken the bull by the horns by living full throttle in the years you didn't want to waste on work, but like you realize, you have to pay for that now. There are many ways you can pay for it; you can remain miserable and directionless until you die, or you can now pick things up and drive hard until you reach a destination. That means you have very few opportunities to relax anymore. The luxury of passivity is gone, you need to be aggressive and take action now.

    I know there are limitations, but like Canmore said, you live in a great society. You can build an entire business on line now. Big words, I know, I should be doing that if it's so easy, but I lack the time to figure it out and do it, otherwise I'd be all over it.
    75% of the people in this country work below their ability. One of the biggest restrictions on people is time. You don't have that restriction anymore!!
    Take one computer session and devote it to education instead of CK5. I recently got fed up with my slacking on the train, so I created a schedule for myself. I now (or should now) spend my one hour train ride in 15 minute segments, each segment devoted to something specific, right now, it's learning the stock market, studying, learning how to build an online shopping site, and misc (ok, honestly, CK5 spills into some of that...).

    There's opportunity for someone with no ties coming up in the disaster areas down south. If you can drive and have a vehicle, go hire yourself out as a delivery man. Start a delivery company and deliver anything from furniture to dogs to motorcycles. Start a travelling light auto repair biz fixing or even just cleaning flooded cars. If you're physically capable, get in on the reconstruction efforts in those areas.

    I know you and I have talked about your situation a bit, and to be blunt, I think it sucks. But you MUST overcome, put your head down and plow forward. See opportunity instead of despair.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2005
  12. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    Time for an intervention:GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING POSITIVE WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!!
     
  13. 4xcrazy

    4xcrazy 3/4 ton status

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  14. Corey 78K5

    Corey 78K5 1 ton status

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    Hate to say it but Mike is right. The only way to get anywhere in life is to work at it.
     
  15. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Thanks...your replies appreciated..

    I appreciate all your replies..I'm not ready to jump off a bridge YET!,but I've been tempted lately..-- but I'll tell ya,after living since 1986 here,much the same as when I was in my teens and 20's is really starting to get old!...I've chauffered my momaround since I was old enough to drive and get my learners permit!..She HAS a licence,but has not driven 1 mile since myself or my siblings got our licences --..

    I sincerely doubt she could drive now--not physically incapeable,just doubt she'd remember how!--but she does have coughing spells,and her mother died from athimers,and I see signs of it in her more as time goes by,so now driving probably isn't a good idea..--actually for her age and condition,she still does a lot--cooks the meals for the 2 of us,and the laundry--(she's stubborn about doing SOME things!)--but others like vacuuming she cant do--bought 4 vacuum cleaners in the last year :surepal: ,and a BBQ grill thats still in the box for a year now--her last one I assembled and lit,to make sure it worked--and it sat unused in the garage for 6 years,until I sold it to my friend--then she insists on getting another one! :screwy:

    I admit I haven't been a model son--I dont hide my resentment towards her much,nor does she toward me--she sold off a lot of land next door my dad wanted me or my siblings to have somday--had him sign the deed over to her on his deathbed,and sold it for less than half of its worth--mostly out of spite towards me..--I realize she thought my dad was headed for a nursing home,and she thought she'd need the money--but I knew dam well my dad wasn't going to leave that hospital room alive..she used most of the money to pay off my younger brothers credit card debts he rang up during his collage years and foolish stuff,instead of saving it like she should have,and should have let him take care of his own money dilema's.. :mad:

    She DOES help me out by letting me live here rent free--but she does resent the fact I dont pay any board--and I'm always refusing money from her--I KNOW she cant afford it--but she tries making me take it,so if I do,she can use the "after all I do for you" guilt trip on me!---but believe me I make up for it doing all the dirty work here none no one else will do--but now the repairs to the house and yard and my shop have overcome my ability to do them all--having been ill most of the summer,a lot of stuff went undone,and its not possible to catch up now..(Bathroom needs a total rehab,house trim and my shop need paint,trees need to be cut down,etc :doah: )..

    I just see myself ending up a lost soul on a street corner after she dies,and even though I see it coming,I still stay here,paralyzed,not knowing what to do--it would have been easier when I wasn't sick to do something about it..I dont relish the thought of being on an SSI disability,IF I could get it..I'd much rather do some kind of real job,and keep some of my self esteem--but if my back is screwed,I might not have much choice in the matter..disability wont pay enough to keep the house taxes paid,or heat and other bills either,even if I did end up getting it.!.. :(

    Its just all the things that led up to this point are coming to a head now,and I'm having a hard time dealing with it all..Both my older brother and sister say they dont want anything from my mothers estate,since they already own homes.. (IF they are in the will--its a mystery as to if/who gets what--)they live 70-80 miles away--sister helps whenever she can--my older brother comes maybe once or twice a year,and hardly even speaks to my mother!--..so perhaps I might end up with 2/3rd instead of 1/4??--who knows??

    Or, I might be shut out entirely,thanks to moms bitterness and favoritism of the "baby" of the family??..all I know is I'm getting older and sicker every year,and its hard to find an employer who'll let you take a lot of time off to bring an eldery mother to the doctor and shopping,and all that..getting sick of being held back--yet mom says "there is the door,dont let it hit you in the ass on your way out",in not so many words. I think its a bit cruel of her not to tell me whats coming down the road!--or maybe she's afraid if I knew the truth,I'll leave NOW,and she'll be screwed??

    I could just take off,and start a new somewhere else..but then I am practically gaurenteed I'll lose all I worked here for all my life..(might anyway!)-I probably should have,but I didn't have the balls--I did move away for 5 years,but not far enough away--ended up coming here every weekend to mow the lawn,help my dad when he got sick,and I'd have a place to fix my trucks---but I know my mom wont get the care she needs from my siblings--I'm here 24/7.like I'm "on call". they would only come grudgingly,since they live far away..(youngest brother is 25 miles away--he only comes once a week to take her out to eat--and mooch whatever she gives him)..

    Oh sure,they might come by once a week,take her shopping,etc,if I left--but they wont be here to keep an eye on her like I am--I've saved the house from catching fire when a pan of coffee water was forgotten on the stove..my moms not senile yet--but she DOES have her moments..--BTW--about 6 months in a nursing home would equal the cost of the whole estate--and she never wants to go to one unless she's got absolutely NO choice..cant say i blame her there..besides,she's not so sick she cant get up,dress herself,or do her daily routine YET1--I'm thankful for that,5 years ago she couldn't,when she first got sick.. :eek1:

    She's been thru nursing homes,and trusts with her own mother,and my aunt--but she WONT put HER house in one under my,or anyone elses name (that I know of anyway)..unless someone elses name is on the deed,for 5 years, by law they can get the estate!..its kinda late now Ma!...so if she does have a stroke or something,no one but the nursing home will get anything!. :eek1:

    I dont sit in the house all day watching her either--she's hard to live with most of the time-she enjoys being the queen on the throne in complete control of everyone and everything..-I do the chores I need to do for her and retreat to the sanctuary of the garage,and sometimes I go look for a way to get some cash--but I dont like staying away for hours on end..seems every time I do,some dilema has arisen while I was gone.. :doah:

    Makes it hard for me to get a "real" job and keep it,or try to run my own bussiness( I have done deliveries,and other "odd jobs"--but they usually cost as much to do legally as you make in the end..I can't bend over under a hood all day anymore,and fixing small engines sucks too--sick of that!..seems like your doomed to be a Wal-Mart slave if you want to work around here..best job I liked was cutting up cars at the junkyard-thats hard on your body outside in the cold too though,or in 100 degree heat in the summer with yellow jackets swarming around!..if I felt good enough to do that,I'd still be at one doing it!--instead I tried doing it in my backyard on a smaler scale..makes a mess of the property,and enemies of your neighbors..AND your mother of course...

    I am rambling on too much here--sounds like a friggin soap opera huh??--I have burdened you guys enough talking about my troubles!--I know I could be in LA or TX right now,and have a much larger cross to bear!.. :eek1:

    Antidepressants were suggested by my doctor--I've tried them before and had bad results--got suicidal right away,and a temper problem --so I told him no--I'm depressed,but its from my situation,not a medical problem-(Havent drank hardlly at all all summer either,only a 6 pack or two when it was in the 90's in july!)--I feel lousy enough without it!)--

    I feel the long winters and rainy springs here have a LOT to do with my feeling so bummed out all the time..there just isn't that many nice days around here usually that let you get things done..(this summer was an exception--very dry and hot--but if your sick,its wasted! :mad: )..

    -I feel pretty good about life while I'm away from here--its when I return the dark clouds gather again..life has become a monotony of sadness,and the cost of everything combined with no income is making it much worse..now every cent counts,and all my movements are monitored-"are you watching that TV??--are you on that computer again?--are you ruinning any tools out in the garage?.. :rolleyes: ---because I'm not paying for it,I get blamed for all the price increases..trouble is I havent even BEEN outside,working or welding,-and the price rose 20 bucks!.. :doah:

    All I need is to win the lottery,and things will be hunky dory again!--I know I could work full time the rest of my life and never get ahead now..its just too late..I had to work 21 years and save every cent just to do what I did for the past 11!!.. :screwy:

    ..Life just plain sucks I guess,and I have to get used to living that way again--hating going to work every day,stiff and sore,with that ulcer feeling in your gut all day..I'm not looking forward to living that way again either..not one bit!..hopefully I'll find someone to work for that has a heart..not many places really give a rats ass about their employees lives outside of the workplace.. :(
     
  16. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    Got a little story for ya.

    When I was in college, my best friend from high school was my roomate. We did something stupid one night, and long story short; cops found about 4 ounces of marijuana in my friend's bookbags. After staying up all night afterwards wondering what we were gonna do, I went to sleep. I woke up to "the phone call." It was my friends brother, telling me stuff so fast I had no clue what was going on, but I knew something was wrong... only words I understood was "Dominic" (friend's name) and "Hospital"

    Jumping out of my bed, I see two empty 1/5ths of vodka in the sink. Great.. alcohol poisoning I thought. I threw on some clothes and ran across the hall to one of the other guys that lives on the hall and asked what happened to Dom.

    More long story short. He tried to cut himself, with a razor, both forearms from wrist to elbow. My neighbor happened to wake up to take a shower at 6 AM on a Sunday (who'se up that early in college on a sunday?) and found him playing in a pool of his blood. Doctors said it was a miracle, he missed every single vein and artery in both of his arms. He resigned from school, and the drug charges took their course (5 year suspended sentance, not allowed to leave the state for 2 years, and 1 year suspended driver's license).

    After that incident I've never really got back on track, I was studying Computer Engineering at Virginia Tech. That night and Dominic's attempt on his life pretty much killed that semester, and I never recovered. I enden up enlisting in the Air Force, so I could try to get back on track and have money to finish paying for school.

    I've had some ****ty times, hell... I've been sitting upside down crammed in a small dark hole where the ambient temperature in said hole was above 130 degrees farenheit. I haven't been shot at yet, but I have had to wear my chem warfare gear. Even still, wearing full chem gear in the middle of the desert, it's not that bad. I even had a close call... 4 weeks ago today to be exact: I was assisting with a launch of one of our jets, as the jet taxi'd past me, a red-hot chunk of metal shot out of the APU (auxillary power unit) exhaust, flying past me about 50 feet away.

    That piece of metal was at least 700 degrees celcius.

    Unnerving, yes, but we still had a job to do.


    Basically what I'm trying to get at through my haphazard storytelling is there's always something that's "worth it." Other people in your life, whether you think so or not are affected by your mere presence. Any change can drastically affect their lives as well. Had Dominic not attempted to take his own life, I'd probably be making a 6-figure salary right now, living in my own house or condo. Instead, I'm in our country's military, working on making sure you have the freedom to feel like there's nothing worth living for. You're welcome.
     
  17. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    I appreciate your service!!

    I'm sorry your friend did that,and it afftected your life that way...both of my best friends both died in 1994,exactly 9 months to the day apart..one was a drinker,pot smoker,dropped acid,PCP,you name it,he took it.he was a real good kid too,just had a rough home life--and he drove like Steeve Mqueen did in "Bullit" all the time,always had fast cars with big blocks-..he developed a heart murmur when he was 34--one night after drinking several 7&7's,he passed out after taking his medication for his heart--and threw up while he was asleep,and died,choked on his own vomit...at age 36-.just like his hero John Bonnham from Led Zeppelin,and the "Shooting Star" character in the song by one of his other favorite bands,Bad Company...
    I can listen to both bands still--but not without thinking of him..I always thought if he did die young,it would have been a car wreck,or drugs..but I never really thought about death much then--your immortal when your young you know.. :rolleyes: openned my eyes in a hurry.. :eek1:

    My other best friend was completely the opposite.(and died before the one I just talked abut)--He never smoked a ciggearette or anything else,no drugs period!..never touched alcohol more than his first time when he was 15 and got drunk and threw up and had a hangover!..he was strong as an ox too...at 36 years of age,he dies after one of his heart valves gave out--they tried putting a pacemaker in,he lived 11 days after..I was with him the night before he died,and he seemed to be progressing well too...naturally,their loss had quite an effect on my life..but I carried on--it shook me too the core!--but I knew I couldn't wallow in sorrow the rest of my life either..I could have drowned my sorrows with booze,or did drugs to ease the pain..but I didn't want to join them so soon,much as I missed them..still dont!

    I did quit my last "real" job because of one of them though--my boss argued with me about having taken the time off to attend one of the funerals--I told him to kiss my ass nicely,that even though he wasn't a blood relative,he was family as far as I was concerned..Thats one reason I dont like working for others--they just dont care...not that I want my boss to wipe my ass and blow my nose,but geesh--is one frigging day off worth moaning about,when its something that is so important to someone???..

    I know my life COULD be much worse!..I'm an ass to even bitch about it,I know!--but it helps to get it off your chest once in a while,especially when your reaching the limit.(got nobodyto tell here that gives a crap anymore).. .I'm not brave or stupid enough to kill myself--not even with drugs...despite being in a bad situation,and not feeling good,I dont want to kill myself--I said "if I dont wake up"..not meaning I'm suicidal--meaning I'd just like to sleep,and stay asleep long enough to have a vacation from the daily grind of drudgery..

    BTW--I do appreciate the men in uniform- :bow: -I only wish I had the guts to be in the military!..I'm too much of a wuss to ever be in that kind of position!..I envy the guys and gals brave enough to face anything, and still do their job,no matter what..my dad was a Pathfinder in WW2..I'll never be 1/4 the man he was..no matter how long I'm around..I'm hoping my health and life turn better soon..:crazy:
     
  18. smalltruckbigcid

    smalltruckbigcid 1/2 ton status

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    I'll make you an offer....stay here for a couple of weeks. I live in Minneapolis. The change will do you good, besides living in Mass would drive anybody nuts.
    George
     
  19. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    dude, I know you have stuff to do for your mom and you have your own medical issues, but you HAVE to get some sort of job. Part time... paperboy... something.... ANYTHING. Producing labor and getting $ for it in exchange is one of the healthiest things a person can do. Its good for your mental health which, in turn, is good for your physical health. As they said in the Matrix 'what is the body without the mind?'.

    Anyway, you have to get a sense of urgency about this. As you have already said, the clock is ticking... 6 months from now you could be homeless, literally. You need to get ANY real on-the-books job you can get and pronto.... even if you don't like it or you don't feel like you 'fit in'. Once you have that and hold it for a little while / impress the boss etc you'll not only have a little $ in your pocket (you ain't paying rent right?!) and feel better about yourself but you'll be prepared if (god forbid) your mom dies in the near future. Either way, you can use that job you have as a springboard... its a reference, and those are a good thing to have. I worked at Loomis Fargo delivering money to ATMs for 10 months. It was a crap job... the benefits were terrible (unless you consider paying for 90% of your own health care, no paid time off for a year, crappy hours and no company match on a 401k "good"!)... the route I was on was pretty dangerous and I started out at $10/hr.... but it was a job. I did it for those 10 months and it opened a door for me to move on to Wells Fargo's Corporate Security Division. My new job pays me $3 more per hour, is a LOT less dangerous, has awesome benefits etc etc. If I get promoted to site supervisor, I may even end up staying at Wells. Its not the last job I'll ever have, but its a lot better than where I was. I know you're in a ****ty place now... definitely worse than I have ever been, but if you can just get and hold onto some crappy job somewhere, better things will come along. Just got to keep plugging away at it my friend. Don't ever give up. Suicide isn't the answer and neither is sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. I promise if you really put everything you have into it you can turn your life around. Once you're on the up and up, next thing you know you'll meet a woman and everything will be fine. :) We're all pulling for ya buddy, keep us updated.

    btw, both my grandfathers were in WWII... some uncles were in Vietnam etc... lots of military tradition in my family. I have always respected their service and you should respect your fathers too... but that doesn't mean you have to belittle yourself by saying you're not "1/4 the man he was". The "greatest generation" did what it had to do... right now you have to do 'what you have to do'... ie. get a job and take care of yourself. It may not be as big as beating Nazism... its not going to be in the history books... but it is a challenge, and IMO, if you can overcome your current circumstances you'll be as respectable as anyone.

    j
     
  20. diesel4me

    diesel4me 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Things looking a BIT better today...

    Well--today I am going to CT to see Rhonda Vincent in concert! :D -as long as I get there and in one peice,I dont think I could ask for a better day than today promises to be....Going to see her is probably THE best medicine for me right now!..Just praying all goes well during the trip to and from the venue--its nearly 100 miles each way,and not a fun ride..

    I have always been prone to anxiety attacks and depression--its a struggle for me to drive long distances alone(my sister has the same trouble,only much worse!--I can deal with it,but its not easy...). Once I get there I'll be fine..wont have too many more concerts to go to this year--a few in november,and then its dead here for 6+ months again..thats when it I really get bummed out when its always cold and snowy,and gets dark at 4 pm!.
    Winter is just another physical burden to overcome--like it doesn't suck here enough during decent weather :doah: ...
    (SmallTruckBig CID)--I appreciate your offer,but if I go anywhere,it will be somewhere warm!!..thanks anyway! :haha:--and yes,living in Mass would drive anyone nuts-- )..

    I'm still physically exhausted from my recent illness,but I'm going anyway..the steroids I'm taking to help me breathe act like "No-Doz"--cant sleep for crap,plus my mom has been hacking up a lung worse than ever the past 2 days and night..I bet I'd feel a lot better if I didn't have that as a constant reminder of whats to come..!

    I realize a job is the best thing I could get right now,and I will--its just going to be difficult to find one with flexible working conditions that will allow me to both make somewhat of a living,AND do all the stuff I need to at home to care for my mom...I've just been overwhelmed by it all lately,and when my own health took such a nosedive,it really got to me...I'll be OK I guess..just as long as my health keeps improving..still have a lot of other things that need attention,like my eyes and teeth,next..

    I appreciate all your responses to my whiney posts!--I think its time to end the soap opera,and get on with talking about trucks and such!.. :rolleyes: ..I wasn't looking for pity--just wanted some advice,and to hear what some of you would do if you were in a situation like mine.. :crazy:
     

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