WHY CAN¹T HAVE REAL JOBS: Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I¹d run over Joe's Mom, too." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "That¹s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o¹clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister¹s expecting a baby, and I don't know if I¹m going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? " He said, Coach, I don't know and I don't care." Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin') Of course, the classic one that's missing here is when Shaq O'Neill was interviewed at LSU upon being drafted into the NBA, an interviewer inquired about his talents. Shack replied, "Coach say I¹m amphibious -- ya know man, I can go left or right." Despite their collective stupidity, most of them are multi-millionaires. Great country, America.