THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!! Assorted Dumbasserie 1--A Turkish policeman accidentally shot himself dead as he scratched his head with his pistol. The 24-year-old Izmir officer was seen scratching his head several times before accidentally pulling the trigger as he was leaving the police station. 2--A 47-year-old construction worker fell to his death from a water tower in Georgia. He had anchored his safety line to the ladder he was standing on, instead of a stationary object. 3--An Israeli woman nearly died when she sprayed pesticide in her mouth to kill a cockroach that had flown in. The poison burned her mouth and left her hospitalized. "I just did not think," the 20-year-old admitted. 4--An intoxicated Texas man who had burned a waitress with his cigarette, pulled a gun as he was being escorted from an El Paso bar. Just then his prosthetic arm fell off, dropping the weapon to the floor. He tried to retrieve the fallen friends, but was arrested by police before he could do himself more harm. 5--An assistant plant manager for Blacklidge Emulsions died when he used an acetylene torch to cut a hole in a 10,000 gallon tank of asphalt emulsion. He was attempting to visually survey the amount of emulsion that remained in the tank, but "no safety precautions were taken before the cutting operation began," stated an OSHA representative. "[His} attention was twice called to a warning sign on the side of the structure which stated the contents were flammable or combustible. In complete disregard of safety procedures," he continued, the erstwhile manager "lit an acetylene torch and began cutting, causing an explosion that blew him 93 feet away. 6--Ismael drove his truck into a mailbox. It bounced off and collided with an electric power pole, flipping the Toyota onto its side and knocking down the power lines. Ismael climbed from the truck to survey the situation -- then pulled out a pair of pruning shears. He reached up and clipped the cable lying across his truck -- and was electrocuted when the shears severed the 7500-volt cable, which poked his rib cage, allowing the current to travel across his heart and out his left foot. Ismael was found lying motionless on the power line, with a pair of pruning shears in his hands. His dazed passenger survived to be arrested on an unrelated warrant. 7--Scenic cliffs abound on the slopes of Mount Rainier, and falling deaths are common on the 14,411-foot dormant volcano. But that didn't deter one snowboarder, who declined a ranger's invitation to join a group he was escorting safely down the mountain. William left 10,000-foot Camp Muir and set out to conquer the unfamiliar terrain without cold weather clothing or survival gear. The lone man disappeared into the heavy fog and drizzle, blundered over a waterfall, and landed at the edge of the Nisqually Glacier 4000 feet below his starting point. The body of the 28-year-old doctor was found beneath the waterfall two years later by Mount Rainier National Park rangers searching for missing climbers, who were rescued unhurt. "We knew he was gone," William's father said. "It would have been wonderful if he [had] remained as part of the mountain." 8--Snakes flick their forked tongues in the air to "smell" the world, collecting molecules then pressing the tips into small olfactory pits. An inebriated twenty-year-old man took umbrage when a wild rattlesnake stuck out its tounge at him. Tit for tat! He held the snake in front of his face and stuck his tongue out right back at the rattler. The snake expressed his displeasure at this turn of events by biting the conveniently offered body part. The toxic venom swelled the man's face and throat, choking him to death. 9--A woman who robbed two banks in one week, Bank of America and Emprise Bank, was captured when she forgot to attend to one small detail: filling her gas tank. After the second robbery she leapt into a waiting getaway car and sped off, but not before a witness memorized its license plate numer and relayed the information to police. Captain Max Tenbrook said.robbers who get away fast are less likely to get caught. "Our best shot at catching them [is] right after it happens." Officers nabbed the woman minutes later and a mile away at a gas station where she had stopped to fill the tank and buy a carton of cigerettes. 10--A man attempting to commit suicide brought a tank of propane into his apartment, opened its stopcock, and waited to die. Instead he merely lost consciousness. Four hours later he revived and, forgetting the suicide attempt, lit a cigarette. The explosion blew out an apartment wall, and burned the face of the suicidal smoker. 11--The carcass of a dead whale attracted more than hungry sharks. Local boat operators took advantage of the macabre spectacle and ferried dozens of curious customers to the floating feast near Cape Jervis, 100 kilometers south of Adelaide. As great white sharks ripped hunks of flesh from the gigantic dead mammal, spectators took leave of their senses and reached into the water to pet their snouts. Some even climbed onto the back of the floating meal, one carrying his child for a closer look at the feeding frenzy. "These creatures are not toys," said Environment Minister Iain Evans. "I am shocked at [their] disrespect for their own safety." He added that the government would "look at changing the law in order to protect people too stupid to protect themselves." People are already forbidden from approaching living whales. Authorities plan to extend the 100-meter exclusion zone to dead whales, to save the gawkers from themselves. Marine officials say the southern right whale died from natural causes 12--A woman ordered to pay off $1100 in bad checks left the courthouse, drove to her hometown, and pulled a gun on employees at the First State Bank. She fled into a cornfield with $7000, eluded the hastily-organized search party, and made her way back to Union City to pay her debt. But given the small size of her hometown, with a population of 344, it was inevitable that one of the tellers would recognize her. Police were waiting at her home to arrest her and confiscate the remainder of the money. 13--Two whiskey-swilling men tried to dodge their bar tab by downing one last drink, jumping in the Nile, and swimming for the far shore. One, a 27-year-old taxi driver, misjudged his ability to stay afloat. He drowned en route, successfully avoiding paying the $180 bill. His companion reached the far shore a few hundred meters away, only to be arrested by police who had been summoned by the shortchanged nightclub employees. Next time you and your friends try to dodge a bar tab, don't drink yourself senseless first. You might die or, even more dreadful, be stuck with the entire bar tab!