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Chili Cookoff (long)

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by thatK30guy, Mar 23, 2002.

  1. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

    Joined:
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    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:
    > Notes are from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who had
    moved
    > to
    > Texas from the east coast:
    > "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off.
    > The
    > original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
    be
    > standing there are the judge's table asking directions to the beer
    > wagon,
    > when the call came. I was assured by the other 2 judges (native
    Texans)
    > that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me
    I
    > could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
    > The following are the scorecards for the event:
    > -----------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI JUDGE #1: A little too
    > heavy
    > on tomato. Amusing kick.
    > JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    > paint
    > from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    > that's
    > the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >
    > ------------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    > JUDGE #1: Smokey, with a hint of port. Slight Jalapeno-tang.
    >
    > JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    > seriously.
    > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I
    am
    > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted
    > to
    > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
    they
    > saw
    > the look on my face.
    >
    > --------------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    >
    > JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    >
    > JUDGE #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    >
    > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I
    > have
    > been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
    > beer
    > before I ignite. Bar maid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is
    in
    > the
    > front part of my chest. I'm getting [censored] faced from all the beer.
    >
    > -------------------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    >
    > JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    >
    > JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for the
    > fish
    > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    > taste
    > it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
    > standing
    > behind me with fresh refills; that 300 pound bitch is starting to
    look
    > HOT
    > just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    >
    > -----------------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    >
    > JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    > adding
    > considerable kick. Very impressive.
    > JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    > admit
    > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I
    > can
    > no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    > chili
    > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    > pouring
    > beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
    > off? It
    > really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming.
    > Screw those rednecks.
    >
    > -----------------------------------------------------------------
    > CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    >
    > JUDGE #1: Thin, yet bold, vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of
    > spice and peppers.
    > JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    > garlic.
    > Superb.
    > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    > sulfuric
    > flames. I [censored] myself when I farted and I worried it will eat through
    > the
    > chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
    Sally.
    > She
    > must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
    to
    > wipe
    > my ass with a snow cone!
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > --
    >
    > CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    >
    > JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    > peppers.
    >
    > JUDGE #2: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
    > of
    > chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
    worried
    > about
    > Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing
    > uncontrollably.
    > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
    I
    > wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
    world
    > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    chili
    > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    > [censored] to
    > match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
    > killed
    > me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
    not
    > getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    through
    > the
    > 4 inch hole in my stomach.
    >
    >
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    > --
    > --
    > ------
    > CHILI #8: BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN ASS CHILI
    > JUDGE #1:A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Safe for all.
    Not
    > too
    > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    > JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
    mild
    > or
    > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,
    > fell
    > over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
    he's
    > going
    > to make it.
    > Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
     
  2. POWERMAD

    POWERMAD 1/2 ton status

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    I seen that one a long time ago and it is still funny as hell.
     
  3. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

    Joined:
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    E-town baby!
    I posted that a long time ago...thanks for bringing it back!/forums/images/icons/smile.gif

    Rene
     

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