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Could you help me critique my cover letter and resume

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Paxx, May 17, 2004.

  1. Paxx

    Paxx 1/2 ton status

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    Hey guys I am just getting out of the labour industry and am starting into the bartending field. I have already landed a job at one of the local night clubs on the weekends and now I want to find a full-time job at one of the restaurant bars around here so I can quit my day job.

    I've thrown together a resume and cover letter but I don't have much experience doing it and I am not 100% satisfied with them. (more the cover letter) I realize that quite a few of you around here do hiring and I am sure there are a few that are in the service/bar industry and I was hoping you could help me make it a little better /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif

    I really apprieciate any suggestions you might have but please try to keep this serious, as I am taking it all quite seriously.

    Thnx guys /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif

    Well here they are...




    Business Name
    21 Lakeshore Drive West
    Penticton, BC
    V2A 7M5


    May , 2004


    To Whom It May Concern,

    I am contacting you in the hopes of a job opportunity within your business. Having visited your establishment, I am always impressed by the lively atmosphere, excellent staff, and the professional manner in which it is run. I am just starting in the service industry and would like the opportunity to advance within your company.

    My goal is to become a bartender for your business. I have completed OUC’s bartending program as well as obtained my Serving It Right certificate. I currently work at Nite Moves night club and am looking for a full time position to compliment my current job. Since my start at Nite Moves I have proven myself to be one of the quickest and most efficient employees on staff and would like the chance to do so for you as well. I have experience in handling money and enjoy dealing with the public. For these reasons I feel that I would excel in your business.

    I would like to be a part of the (insert business here) team. I hope an interview with me will show you that I will be a valuable asset to your organization. I am available for interviews weekdays after 4pm and all day on weekends. I look forward to hearing from you. Please do not hesitate to contact my references for further clarification of my abilities. My personal contact number is 490-1996. Thank you for your time in considering my application.



    Sincerely,




    Max Picton





    and the resume, not sure if the header and bullits etc. will turn out on here so I guess we will see.



    Max Picton
    117 Lee Avenue, Penticton, BC V2A 3V9 Phone: (250) 490-1996

    Employment Objective:
    Looking to obtain a full time position in a setting that provides challenges and skills in an exciting new employment field.

    Work History:

    Nite Moves Night Club (April 2004 - Present)
    Responsibilities: Bar set-up, serving drinks in a responsible and efficient manner, cashier work, nightly cash out.

    West Coast Leisure Homes Ltd. (August 2002 - Present)
    Responsibilities: Operation of pneumatic and power tools, producing a clean and quality product while maintaining a safe and orderly work area.

    Structurlam Products Ltd. (August 2000 - March 2002)
    Responsibilities: Operation of power equipment, sanders, drills, saws, etc., working production line.

    Coyote Cruises Staff Member (Summers 1997 - 2003)
    Responsibilities: Service and maintenance of Penticton River Channel, cashier work, and ensuring customer safety and satisfaction.

    Skills:
    Completed the Serving It Right program
    Completed OUC’s bartending course
    Completed OUC’s WHMIS course
    Excellent people skills, as well as cashier and computer experience. Learn and adapt quickly to work environments. Efficient multitasker and think quickly on my feet.

    References:

    Adele Gagen Penticton BC (250) 492-0832
    Nite Moves Night Club

    Adrian McCluskey Penticton BC (250) 493-0113
    Bartending Instructor

    Glen Heinrick Penticton BC (250) 493-1535
    West Coast Leisure Homes

    More references available upon request.




    yeah the layout of the resume is off but the info is still all there.

    In the middle paragraph of the cover letter I was thinking about trying to add in something about how I am fresh to the industry so I can be molded into the "ideal" bartender for that particular business but I was not sure how to word it in. If you have any ideas on this let me know.

    Thnx for taking the time to help me with this. I am not really to sure who else to ask /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

    thnx again
    ~Max
     
  2. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hey, brother. I'll get Kim to look at your post after dinner. She owns a print shop and does about 15 resumes a week. I'm sure she'll be able to give you some pointers. /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif

    Paul
     
  3. 84gmcjimmy

    84gmcjimmy 1 ton status

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    I'm no business owner but that looks like a good resume and cover letter /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif
     
  4. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Hey Max, this is Kim (Paul's better half) /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif

    I read over your cover letter and resume and they sound really good. Since you were concerned with the cover letter I will give you a few of my thoughts. I would add your job objective in the first paragraph. As for the addition you were considering that would say something to the effect of being 'moulded', I think I would leave that out. Really I would only suggest rewording the first paragraph to something like this:

    I am contacting you in hopes of obtaining a bartending position within your business. Having visited your establishment, I am always impressed by the lively atmosphere, excellent staff, and the professional manner in which it is run. I am just starting in the service industry and would like the opportunity to advance within your company.

    Then I would omit the first sentence of the second paragraph.

    I think it's great that you are going to personalize your letters with the business names. I hate when I receive a super generic cover letter at work, it just shows that the person is probably firing resumes off to anyone and everyone.

    Hope this helps

    Kim /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
     
  5. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

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    Hi Max!

    Ditto what Mrs. CanmoreK5 suggested. In addition, It's a good idea to put your skills list and any other pertinent attributes at the TOP of your resume, in concise terms, in bullet point form, spaced evenly across the page. Leave the work history stuff at the bottom.

    It should look like this:

    * Serving It Right program * OUC’s bartending course

    *OUC’s WHMIS course *Excellent people skills,
    *cashier experience *Computer experience
    * Fast Learner * quick on my feet
    *reliable * efficient multitasker


    The reason for this is people hate to read resumes. They want to know if you can help them now, and listing things this way will grab their attention and make them decide if they should call you or not. When I was a headhunter, I had so many resumes to go through, and ones that were formatted this way got the most attention from my clients.


    Also, have an email addy in your contact info. Be sure it doesn't look juvenile, though. that ticks people off, just like having an answering machine message with kids singing or anything else that's too cute. keep things businesslike, and you'll increase your chances of being called.

    Good luck, Tom
    /forums/images/graemlins/usaflag.gif /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gif
     
  6. sickquad

    sickquad 1/2 ton status

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    Your cover letter has way to many I's in it. It should be descriptive not I did this, I did that. Email me and I will send you mine as a reference. Spent a ton of time on it.
    mick@coe.neu.edu

    -Chris
     
  7. bigburban383

    bigburban383 1/2 ton status

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    COVER LETTER:

    Theres a lot praising and your making yourself sound desperate:

    "I am contacting you in the hopes of a job opportunity within your business."
    "My goal is to become a bartender for your business."
    "I hope an interview with me will show you that I will be a valuable asset to your organization."
    "I look forward to hearing from you."

    With this, your basically saying, hey I want to take your job(no no):
    "I am just starting in the service industry and would like the opportunity to advance within your company."

    The last paragraph is supposed to have something in regards to being contact, but you can't "tell" them to call you.

    This is what I learned this last semester, basic stuff of what/whatnot to put in the cover letter. Do not by any means listen to what I say if you don't think it sounds good, I just tryed to explain why some stuff shouldn't be in there to sway you away.



    I made some changes, see if this sounds better. A cover letter the length of a Novel is not always good, think of the recruiter, does he have time for all that stuff?

    1st paragraph, you first tell what position

    2nd paragraph, your skills and experience

    3rd paragraph, contact information


    <Your Address Here>

    <Date Here>

    <Recruter Name> (person that will hire you)
    Business Name
    21 Lakeshore Drive West
    Penticton, BC
    V2A 7M5


    <Recruter Name>,

    <do not indent paragraphs>

    I am contacting you in regards to a full-time bartending position. Having visited your establishment, I am always impressed by the lively atmosphere, excellent staff, and the professional manner in which it is run. I am just starting in the service industry and would like to gain valuble experience.

    I have completed OUC’s bartending program as well as obtained my Serving It Right certificate. I currently work at Nite Moves night club and am looking for a full time position to compliment my current job. Since my start at Nite Moves I have proven myself to be one of the quickest and most efficient employees on staff. I have experience in handling money and enjoy dealing with the public.

    Feel free to contact me for more information or futher questions, my personal contact number is 490-1996. Thank you for your time in considering my application.



    Sincerely,




    Max Picton
     
  8. Paxx

    Paxx 1/2 ton status

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    Thank you guys very much for the positive feedback and pointers. I will be going through and reworking it tomorrow and will hopefully be handing a few out on wed.

    I have some time off from work right now due to a work related injury so I might as well use the time to get a better job /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     

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