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Dealing with an alcoholic...

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by sled_dog, Jun 25, 2004.

  1. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    Many of you know the story of myself and the girl I love, Tshy. Well her mother is quite an alcoholic. She reall makes life hard for Tshy, and its always angered me. I want to talk to her(Tshy's mom) about it but I just don't know if I can help. I can't sit back and not do anything. I am so far away which makes it hard, but anyone have ways I can help things? I'm an abrasive person at times and its going to be a fight to not flip out on the woman. I know if I do she will shut down and not listen to me anymore. She just doesn't see how badly she hurts her daughters and how bad of a mother she is. Tshy's younger sister moved out and is living with a friend. Her mother is convinced its just cause that friend has a nicer home, she just refuses to realize she left cause her mother made life unbareable. She feels she can only relax or be happy when she has had a drink. In my opinion she avoids being a normal person by drinking. Worst is she has in the past year started having a boyfriend(she is still married but her husband lives in Florida away from them). The guy is REALLY bad news. He makes me uneasy, and I do not at all like him being near Tshy or her sister, or her mother for that matter. He has repeatadly stolen money and things from them and Tshy's mom just keeps forgiving him. As Tshy says, her dad has never been a good husband, and her mom is lonely, thats understandable and this guy is the one who has chosen to show her attention. She blinds herself to everything cause hes a [darn] con artist and giving her attention. He doesn't have a job, is married and whatever, he just lives off other people like this. I need to try and help her mom realize how horrible a mother she really is. She just won't believe what she does is so wrong. It hurts a lot cause Tshy is hurt by it and just wants to help her mom, I worry that she won't be able to leave when it comes time to go to college cause she will worry about her mother too much. I just can't sit back any longer and hear how much it hurts Tshy. Anyone ever dealt with an alcoholic like this before? My father was a drunk and he snapped out of it, my mom threatened(very seriouslly) to leave him and it woke his ass up. Been alcohol free for years now. That threat doesn't do crap to this woman so I don't know. Her husband has now found out about the relationship as well and threatened to press charges against them both. Oh and she does not work, she worked at a bar but all she did was drink there so her kids got her to quit that job. She lives off money her husband sends each month. Basically I really think she is quite depressed and needs counseling but I know she won't go for it, she has said so.
     
  2. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    well.....sad enough to say, you cant really do anything. /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif sonds like she is set in that mode until something or someone wakes her from that state,unfortunatly. You cant change her.....she can only change herself. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif Mabey you and your girl Tshy and all of her daughters should sit her down and all of you can tell her how she needs to change.More than one person telling you something rreally makes a bigger of an impact on a person. My dad was an alchi too. Thats the only thing i can think of.........be adult about it,and all of you tell her that you are all concerned about her well being ,and you all think she needs to change.If that dosent work i would move your girl outa there /forums/images/graemlins/confused.gifgood luck........Jacob /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  3. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    see there in lies a problem, I am 1400 miles away /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif, and I have been asking T to move out. Her grandparents said she could move in with them. I know she doesn't want to leave her mom but I think that might wake her up, be hard to deny that both daughters left cause of her. I am going to call and discuss things with her, hopefully civilized, I know I can't change her but I hope that by expressing my concerns she will see yet another person is caring about all this.
     
  4. bigcountryk5

    bigcountryk5 1/2 ton status

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    yes i have dealt with an alcoholic in very much the same way you are now except it was with a dad not a mom i thought the same way you do now. "well if he/she won't get better i'll make them." from first hand experience that will get you absolutly nowhere!! it will only worsen things i promise.

    i tried long and hard to bite my tongue till i snapped one day and had it out with a much larger man then myself. he hit me and i lost my mind and it took everything i had not to take him out of this world.

    after a week or two i had a moment of clerity(sp?) and realized that the whole problem was attention. there was a lack of it somewhere whether it was from parents friends children whatever.

    i took this person out to breakfast and ate and chatted to just break the ice let him see i was not there in any kind of a jugemental way or anything and proceeded to tell this man how imortant he was.

    most alcholics are that way because they feel alone/abandoned in some way since they feel that they owe nothing to anyone they are content to destroy themselves. they belive with a feverish passion that what they are doing only affects them and they are not hurting anyone.

    i proceeded to convince to the best of my abilities the importance they had to others and how they were looked to and depended upon to be there as support to others who care about them.

    were you go with it from there is case sensitive as i do not know the specifics of who you are dealing with and the poeple involved but know this... if an alcholic does not want wholeheartedly to stop drinking completely then the only chance to get them to stop is an awakening to the fact that in someway shape or form they are NEEDED and that someone depends heavily upon them.

    any form of confrination will severly worsen things i promise. the only form of confrentation that hasa chance is a lockup rehab and that does not seem to be an option here.

    i am deeply sorry that you have to be apart of something as awful as this is. but before you lose you head and do something you will regret play out in all the worst ways the consequenses of your actions.... not for what would happen to you but for what would happen to Tshy.
     
  5. 84gmcjimmy

    84gmcjimmy 1 ton status

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    My dad was an alcohalic for most of his life, up until about 6 years ago, he stopped because he was tearing my family apart, my parents were always fighting when he was drunk, it really put a hole in my heart. But now that he stopped it was good, I couldn't imagine how he did it after drinking for so many years, but he definitly showed us that we were more important as a family. I don't really have any advice but maybe try to show her how bad of a mother she really is.

    Just side tracking for a bit, does Tshy mean anything, like is it a different language, it's a cool name, never heard of it /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif
     
  6. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    oh.how old is your girl? Do you live with your mom and dad? If shes 18.....why not make her move in with you guys? /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
     
  7. 84gmcjimmy

    84gmcjimmy 1 ton status

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    hi pinion has a good idea, let her help you wrench on your truck, it will bond you and tshy together, and also keep her mind off of her mother.
     
  8. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    she is 17, my parents have said many times she is welcome to live with us but it just can't be done right now. Her dad would make her move in with him before she came to me. And he is also an alcoholic who thinks he is better than her mom and doesn't realize that he really isn't /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif

    And Tshy means "little darling" its french.
     
  9. 84gmcjimmy

    84gmcjimmy 1 ton status

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    Why can't she move in right now?(if I am invading something personal, ignore me)
     
  10. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    shes is 17, legally we'd have to adopt her, and if she is my adopted sister well umm eww in a way? Besides as I noted before her dad would have her go with him before she came up here. Besides she really doesn't want to leave her mother, just help her. I wish she'd move here I just can't stand what this crap does to her.
     
  11. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    well first he sounds young......i hope this is really the chick he wants to spend his life with /forums/images/graemlins/dunno.gif because if it aint and kids are had hes in a world of hurt. If she loves ya man...........why dosent she just MOVE OUT??? Move with you? I am marreid, and me and my wife ignore eachother on a regular basis sometimes /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif same old crap today as yesturday /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif Ya better know she is the one though......wouldnt want to see ya get crushed.Jake /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  12. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    She doesn't want to leave cause shes been the adult for so long I think she feels like she would fail if she left. Also her mom has threatened things before through depression and all I think she really worries her mother would go off the deep edge if she left. I can't blame her for that. I understand her reasons for not wanting to leave, its not that she doesn't want to live with me, she doesn't want to leave her mother at all. Her grandparents live 10 minutes down the road, she doesn't want to go there either. I know I love her very very much, and she does me, its just with her still in school and crap things just aren't going to be easy for the next couple years. Besides which, I don't really want to live with her, support her whatever until I have a good solid footing in some type of career.
     
  13. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    whell.its only a few months.......before shes 18........then she can do what she wants /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif But ....what do you mean her dad will make her? if shes 18 he cant make her!!! /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif Just wait it out man!!!,have her leave the hell hole,then stay with you /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  14. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    4 months exactly actually /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif I turn 19 next month, whatever I won't make her do anything, she has a year of school left. There is another thing thats pissed me off in all this crap. She has some medical issues that cause fainting spells and whatever she stopped going to school cause she had a very minor accident taht could have been a lot worse when she was driving to school. So whatever she decided to do homeschooling for her Junior year. But her mother refused to pay for the ciriculim(sp?) crap!!! I've been quite enraged by that, her mom kept feeding her [darn] that she knew someone who was gonna hook them up with a cheaper thing or blah [darn] blah its all bull and hasn't happened. I'm not sure if she will have to repeat her junior year this year or not /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gif Her dad is suppossed to be finally taking care of it but who knows baout that either. I have given her plenty of crap for not taking action about all of it sooner, she just wanted badly to believe her mom for once...
     
  15. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    Man.....if my wife diddnt want to live with me id drag mer by the ear back home /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif No,parents like that probobly arent going to pay for her school,so you might have to take out a loan for school. OK.....try this.....get a crappy job for now........take a colledge loan,have her move down there,have her get a job too,......... /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif while both of you go to colledge. There!!! that way you can both have money,and building your relashionship(and finding out if you can both stand to live together) AND build you CARRERS all at the same time. Hard work,but i think you can do it. BAM!!! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif
     
  16. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    thats been the plan, but the plan has been her finish school there, then come up here to go to school and build our relationship during school and yes see if it really will work. The other thing is, her sister has moved out but in the same stroke, if she leaves she leaves her sister who she loves very much behind as well. She refuses to think about herself first which is her problem I think. I have been telling her for a while, it doesn't matter what happens in life you need to think about what is best for YOU not everyone else(myself included).
     
  17. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    I would inform her that she cant hold her moms hand forever either /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif sorry if im being blunt ,just trying to help the YOUTH OF AMERICA /forums/images/graemlins/usaflag.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif
     
  18. Capman2k

    Capman2k 3/4 ton status

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    Man... Alcoholics are tough... My friend's dad was an alcoholic for at least 10-15 years. Went to rehab several times, and couldn't stop... He finally quit drinking when his body was so [darn] up he didn't know what the hell was going on or where he was or even how to open a drink... It got to the point where all they could do was let him die, between drinking and smoking he was in pretty poor shape...

    No advise, just that story... I'd say do whatever you can to get the lady help... Or at least do whatever you can to get your girlfriend away... /forums/images/graemlins/dunno.gif /forums/images/graemlins/dunno.gif
     
  19. hi pinion

    hi pinion 3/4 ton status

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    Oh.so my plan for you was your plan?????? /forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif Good. If ya miss her so......she can move down there when she turnes 18,and finish up high scool there /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif just continue over i think. When i was your age i was going to school to be an UNDERWATER WELDER AND PIPE FITTER here at the air force base. /forums/images/graemlins/usaflag.gif /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif Nothing wrong with the trades..........but they beat the hell out of your body .I wouldnt be taking no for an answer if you want something........JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!! Thats how i got my first plumbing job at 18. I just walked in there,,,leid and said" Oh yeah,i have 5 yrs experience already,i can do anything." /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif Once they found out i had that much balls and i diddnt know anything,they kept me around for years. /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/histerical.gif /forums/images/graemlins/waytogo.gif /forums/images/graemlins/peace.gif /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     

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