Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

Dealing with divorce

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Chris87K5, Feb 6, 2003.

  1. Chris87K5

    Chris87K5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    322
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsyltucky
    OK, here goes........I need some advice. I have been with my wife for 11 years(since I was 16) and for the past couple of years she has been abusing prescription drugs that were prescibed to her for depression etc. Well I had tried everything to help her and to convince her to get help and nothing worked. So, about 2 weeks ago she wrecked her car because of being messed up on the pills. The car was totaled, but luckily she wasn't hurt too bad. I figured maybe this would've made her come to her senses, but it didn't. Last week I told her that she needed to either get some help or get out. She chose to leave. She called me the next day crying and said she made an appointment to go into rehab. For the past week we haven't really talked much. Then tonight she called me and basically said it was over between us and that she has a boyfriend. It hurts alot but the worst part is that she says she is still going to go through with the rehab and try to turn her life around. Why wouldn't she do that for me? I mean now she is going to be the person that I know and love for another guy. So I guess now I have to find a way to deal with all of this. We have been split up before and I have always found a way to cope, but that was because I always thought that we would get back together. I am pretty sure that there will be no reconciling this time. Especially since she has a new man who she admitted to having sex with already. So now what do I do? How has everyone else that has gone through something similar dealt with it.

    BTW i know this sounds like I am just crying on everyones shoulder, but I see how you guys and girls help each other out all the time and I though I could get some good advice.

    Thanks
     
  2. Swanson52

    Swanson52 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2002
    Posts:
    2,586
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Centennial, CO
    I had to edit this; my initial response was predicated on spite, but it follows. I am sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have put up with a lot and been very understanding. It's too bad that someone takes that measure of kindness for granted. That being said;

    Cut her loose and move on. If you keep dwelling on crap about her, it will do nothing to help you cope. Put her out of your mind and get on with life. You can't make her want to be with you, no matter how badly you may want to try. If she wants you, she will try and come back. That's just my cold-hearted, jaded outlook. Life's too short to deal with sh!t like that; she already kicked you in the balls, don't let her stand on your neck while you are down.
     
  3. beater74

    beater74 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 29, 2001
    Posts:
    1,749
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    atlanta
    the only thing that will help is time. i had plans to get married to the love of my life (or so thought). She turnd out to be vertically challenged meaning she would screw anything, so we broke up and went our seperate ways or so i thought. she started screwing all my so called friends. anyways it broke my heart i was a mess i lost 60 pounds cried alot and started using drugs ALOT. but i guess my point is it has been 6 years now and i am married to the true love of my life and no more drugs and couldn't be happier. time will help and be glad you are only 27 now and still hve a long life ahead of you with a whole world of possibilites in front of you. try to keep your head up it will be hard, let it out if you need to it's good to talk about. stick close to your TRUE friends they will help you stay afloat while your in a sea of misery.
     
  4. MEPR

    MEPR 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2002
    Posts:
    1,546
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    McChord AFB
    If you have tryed everything posible then i would say go on whith your life, but just remeber dont live so you have regrets.Oh and dont worry about the crying on the shoulders here, you have to express yourself somewhere and here seems to be vary supportive. Good luck
     
  5. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2001
    Posts:
    2,279
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Washington State
    I think you have put enough time in with this girl. If she has gotten herself into rehab and is serious about doing it, it isn't for the other guy. If she really is only doing it for the other guy rehab is not going to work for her. Therefore she is not going to be the person who she used to be.

    She will still struggle with herself. The guy that she is with is going to have to deal with all of the problems that you did. It isn't going to be all rainbows and roses with this other guy. If you really feel she is doing it for him just know it will only go down hill with them.

    Have your morning time because that is what it is. When you end a relationship of many years you go through morning. It will pass and you will get over things and be able to move on. It may be hard but can it really be any harder then dealing with what you have dealt with for the last 11 years? (or how ever many years this drug problem has gone one)

    I hope the next person who comes into your life will know herself and know what she wants. That way she will have a good life to share with you and instead of a life struggling with problems and consenquences like drug addiction.

    Just hang in there, it is going to be rough, don't be hard on yourself because you will feel better. It just takes time.....
     
  6. Sandman

    Sandman 3/4 ton status Author

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2002
    Posts:
    5,653
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pocatello, ID
    Go on a trip somewhere. Sometimes it can help to see some of the rest of the world. You go back home and its the same old same old. Makes it easier. Las Vegas can be good. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
     
  7. Chris87K5

    Chris87K5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    322
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsyltucky
    Thank you all very much. I failed to mention that we also have 2 boys. She got pregnant when she was 16 and I was 18 so we never really started off on the right foot. I love my kids very much, I just wish they would have come when we were ready for them. The hardest part is knowing that she won't be here with me to watch them grow up. They are my main priority right now so I kinda have to put my feelings on the back burner (at least when they are around). We have had so many problems in the past that it is hard to think that things won't get better, but right now I think they won't.
    I don't think I will have much trouble getting custody of the kids so that is a plus. they are young (3 and 7) and I don't know how they will deal with it or exactaly how to tell them/ explain it to them.
     
  8. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2000
    Posts:
    38,584
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    BTW i know this sounds like I am just crying on everyones shoulder, but I see how you guys and girls help each other out all the time and I though I could get some good advice.


    [/ QUOTE ] Thats what we're here for Bro....

    Hang in there and try not to be angry, try and move on and be happy... /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif
     
  9. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2000
    Posts:
    38,584
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    Go on a trip somewhere. Sometimes it can help to see some of the rest of the world. You go back home and its the same old same old. Makes it easier. Las Vegas can be good.

    [/ QUOTE ] Or a nice long road trip to BB03.... /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  10. Corey 78K5

    Corey 78K5 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2000
    Posts:
    13,055
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Humboldt County, CA
    Hang in the Brother CK5 will be here for Ya.
     
  11. POWERMAD

    POWERMAD 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2001
    Posts:
    3,466
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    I am going through the same sort of thing, a few differences but all the same.
    It is not easy, I have my good days and bad ones, more bad ones then good it seems like.
    At first I was a freaking wreck, didn't eat or sleep for nearly a month, lost 30 lbs and I don't have any weight to spare.
    Did good for a bit with the drinking and then slid into the hole.
    I am still trying to get a handle on that. It has been just over 2 months for me and sometimes I feel that I will never get over this sh!t.
    I am thinking about moving out of my house, too damn depressing coming home to a big empty house.
    At least I don't wake up and start crying in the shower anymore. That was too weird for me. I would just start crying and couldn't stop.
    Now I am just pissed off all the time.
    I finaly talked to her Monday and we are done, I will be filing soon. I am just having a realy hard time letting go.
    Don't hold it all in like I did, that is no good either.
    I just wait for the day when I will wake up and not feel like
    sh!t anymore.
    It's gotta get better sometime right?
     
  12. StoneyK5

    StoneyK5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Posts:
    472
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Birch Bay, Wa.
    I know what you're going through. Been two divorces for me. And the last one one was on prescription drugs like Perkaset(sp) or whatever for depression and she had a couple drinks of booze every night and forgot if she took the drug or not and would take another one and would just get crazy, just argue untill she went to bed. MAN..you just have to let it go and get on with with your life and try to work it out with the kids. But I would not let her try to ruin your life.
    She was trying to be with someone else and I didn't know untill she moved out..but came back a couple times and tried to make it work, but it didn't and now I'm glad I didn't let her back another time. I finally got a divorce from her and got married again with a gal that does not have kids and we have a great time together and still see the kids sometimes.
    Hope this helps....sorry if it doesn't. Just my way.
     
  13. Skigirl

    Skigirl 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2001
    Posts:
    2,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    Tell the kids the truth without being cruel (i.e. bashing) their mom. Tell them she has some problems she needs to handle and that the breakup has NOTHING to do with them and you both love them. All they need to know is that it's not their fault, you both love them and their lives won't be very different. They'll still go to school, have their friends, have you etc. kids are resilient and understand more than most people give them credit for.

    BTW, you and the kids are better off not having someone who chronically abuses drugs around. It's dangerous for you and the kids. Recidivism rates for most rehab centers is upwards of 75% within a year or 2, so it is unlikely that she will stay clean for very long. Only center I know of that does well for rehab is a place on an Indian reservation in Oklahoma. Over 70% of their grads stay clean for more than 5 years.

    Consider yourself lucky that nothing serious happened to the kids or her when you were together. That said, I hope for her sake that she does really clean up. She could ultimately save her own life.
     
  14. StoneyK5

    StoneyK5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2001
    Posts:
    472
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Birch Bay, Wa.
    (quote)
    Consider yourself lucky that nothing serious happened to the kids or her when you were together. That said, I hope for her sake that she does really clean up. She could ultimately save her own life.


    This is true and I agree.
     
  15. Chris87K5

    Chris87K5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2002
    Posts:
    322
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsyltucky
    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    Consider yourself lucky that nothing serious happened to the kids or her when you were together.

    [/ QUOTE ]
    That is what scared me the most because she sleeps alot and is impossible to wake up. Our 7 year old can pretty much take care of himself as long as someone is home to make sure nothing serious happens, but the 3 year old can't. She says she can hear them while she is sleeping but I know better.
     
  16. Skigirl

    Skigirl 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2001
    Posts:
    2,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles, California
    And that's probably the best case scenerio. I worked at a rehab center for a couple years so I know how druggies are. At best, they are irresponsible and can't be truthful. It goes down from there. Definitely never to be trusted. And it takes quite a few years of being clean for them to come out of their irresponsibility, if they ever do.
     
  17. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 4, 2001
    Posts:
    3,384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hollister, CA
    I have been with substance abusers in my life and what it boils down to is this: they have to want to stop and they have to be prepared to make some drastic changes in their life. To stop abusing drugs/alcohol/whatever takes tenacity, determination and a willingness to take responsibility for their actions. More often than not, they have to hit rock bottom before they realize just how messed up they are. For some people, rock bottom is a lot further down and sometimes even when they get there, they are not prepared to make the changes that need to occur before they are able to drag themselves out of that hole. Once set on a path of self-destruction, it's hard to see anything else and a person who is abusing can pretty much justify any action in their own mind.

    I'm sorry to hear that you and your kids are having to go thru this, but as has been said by others... it will get better with time. Take care and hang in there...
     
  18. mdm365

    mdm365 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2001
    Posts:
    536
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    mineral wells wv
    I went through the same thing a few years ago but we did get back together and things went good for a year or so and started all over.I have had a hard time with it the second time around and I had to get her out of my life I even got my 6 year old from her and all I had to do is just wait for her to f#*k up on the drugs. The end of a long story is we me and my son are very happy now and have not heard from her in sometime.All I did to make things easy in the feeling department was to keep busy.My son was a big help for me his smile and good nature never in a bad mood the good friends help so much I was always getting so much support from them.In my case once a addict always and addict thats what got her were ever she maybe.It seemed hard at first but it gets easy as time goes buy.Just rember keep your head up.I think you have gave her more then enough support to do the right thing.hope things come together for you!! /forums/images/graemlins/k5.gif /forums/images/graemlins/usaflag.gif mike
     
  19. TXsizeK5

    TXsizeK5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2001
    Posts:
    2,518
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    College Station, TX
    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    failed to mention that we also have 2 boys... we never really started off on the right foot... I love my kids very much,

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Thats really awesome man. I love (in the most heterosxual way) guys who take responsiblity and whatnot. Im very sorry to hear of problems. I've only been with my g/f for about a year, so I have no IDEA what its like to be 11 years. We have our problems and arguments especially lately. but i really do wish you luck, and your kids.
     
  20. Donna

    Donna 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2001
    Posts:
    2,377
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Gettysburg,Pa
    I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through!!!

    Don't ever think that you are crying on our shoulder's in a bad way. Most of us consider this place there second family and most of us have helped one another through some tough and some tragic times. If it were not for thoughts, prayers and lot's of PM's and emails, I think i would have gone insane 2 years ago when my husband (who I have been with since I was 15) tragically lost his best friend. The world seemed like it would end. To my husband, it may as well have. But you are very lucky to be surrounded by a great group of people that will listen to more then just problems with your truck.

    While things/situations like this are never easy for us as an individual (much less as a parent) you have to know in your mind (and some day your heart) that you are doing what is best for your kids. It will take time. Just like the old saying "Time heals all wounds" You need to help your kid's understand that there mommy is"sick" and that she needs help. Make sure that they understand that even though she is sick that she loves them very much. Let them know that you love them also. You also need to make them understand that yes there life will be different now but that they didn't do anything to make these things happen. I worked in childcare for 13 years and have dealt with a lot of foster children and case workers over those years. So alot of what I am saying is stuff that I learned in all my hours of training.

    Keep your chin up and hold your head high. Things will get better. And remember we are all here for you in times like this.
     

Share This Page