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Deep thoughts

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, May 4, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Deep thoughts


    If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then
    Jumping Off Something.

    When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll
    turn into a fossil.

    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

    At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you
    could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
    looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you
    going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay
    his bill.

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but
    instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried
    and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
    Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

    A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
    burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

    Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because
    with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

    I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you
    could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

    If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
    That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
    started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
    soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun
    of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

    I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't
    forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had
    the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

    Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and
    you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces,
    wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not
    Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

    Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak
    everybody out.

    The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had
    gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across
    the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This
    was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He
    cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

    I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

    I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of
    our solar system.

    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
    tuberculosis.

    Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made
    up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
    mankind.

    I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet
    there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary
    bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

    I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking
    in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What
    was THAT?!"

    The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

    Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog
    because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
     
  2. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

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    Those are just really wierd..../forums/images/icons/tongue.gif

    Rene
     
  3. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    LMAO!!!!!
     
  4. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Yeah, it didn't make ant sence, that's why I liked it.
     
  5. Prembird

    Prembird 1/2 ton status

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    You have WAY WAY WAY to much time on your hands...
     
  6. UseYourBlinker

    UseYourBlinker 1 ton status

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    /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
     
  7. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

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    I like them. They make you think and some are funny. Thanks for posting that /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
     
  8. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    These took me off gaurd the first time I read them, but I thought it was off, so I just had to post it.
     
  9. Twiz

    Twiz 1/2 ton status

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    Man, I thought I was Twizted.............Yikes! /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
     
  10. riz

    riz 3/4 ton status

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    <font color=blue> Mmmmmmm-kay !
     
  11. NoAngel

    NoAngel 1/2 ton status

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    Somebody's been in mama's pills again!!
     
  12. Cusm

    Cusm 1/2 ton status

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    I love Jack Handy, One of my favorites was about his Uncle that lived in the cave and mauled one of his siblings, and later they found out their uncle was actually a bear.
     

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