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Do you have a cat?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Goober, Oct 29, 2002.

  1. Goober

    Goober 1/2 ton status

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    Found out on the Internet:


    HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT

    1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call a furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

    15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
     
  2. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    that's funny /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif. but my cat takes pills just fine /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif... i liked the steak idea though. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  3. chevyracing

    chevyracing 1/2 ton status

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    I have a couple of cats completely by accident.

    John
     
  4. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

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    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif haha that is way too funny. cats are lil punks i swear. later.

    jacob
     
  5. FL84K5

    FL84K5 1/2 ton status

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    I know a gir....nevermind
     
  6. Burbinator

    Burbinator 1/2 ton status

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    Just one of many reasons I am not a cat person...

    /forums/images/graemlins/burb.gif
     
  7. Pure Insanity

    Pure Insanity 1/2 ton status

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    LMAO! I have 2 cats, 1 indoor and 1 all terrain.

    I ATTEMPTED to spray the indoor cat for fleas. I laid on the floor and got her to come over to me and played w/ her for a bit to try to wear her down. I then calmed her down by patting her.

    When I thought it was safe I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and tried to spray her. Well I hit her once and she clamped onto my arm, as if to say "do it agin and Ill shred you". /forums/images/graemlins/1zhelp.gif Got her the second time, and ....she did. /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif So NO it doesnt paralize them!

    I dropped the cat, (remember I was sitting on the floor so it wasnt a far drop) and started to shoot her as she ran. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

    I spent the rest of the nite like a military sniper hiding around corners, hiding the spray from her and getting her from across the room when she would look away, and generally LMAO, and getting aggrivated at the same time. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif

    Never did get her completely. /forums/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif
     
  8. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

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    hahahahahhahaha. i bet that is funny to see. later.

    jacob
     
  9. behemoth

    behemoth 1/2 ton status

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    HOW TO WASH A CAT

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both the lids (You may
    need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.)

    CAUTION!!!: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will
    be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample
    suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.)

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse" which
    I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
    between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry
    himself.

    Sincerely,

    THE DOG


    Oh yeah - we have three of the little buggers!! They're great entertainment! /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
     
  10. K5Jimmy

    K5Jimmy 1/2 ton status

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    I had a cat once........tasted like chicken........
     
  11. TITAN

    TITAN 1/2 ton status

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    OMG pureinsanity that was too funny. The sniper part got me.
     
  12. NEOMASTINO2U

    NEOMASTINO2U 1/2 ton status

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    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif i have two of the great rulers of dogs! one is really retarded she had a brain injury, she is so stupid you can't leave her around fire or toilets! she has tried to set herself on fire a few times! ever chase a cat around the house with its tail on fire! it sucks! the other is just plain fat and lazy, it eats, sleeps, and sh*ts! oh and beats up the dog! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif hubby says when they are dead there will be no more cats in our house! he is tired of having the stupid one fall in the toilet and go running through the house and on the furniture covered in toilet water even though the water is clean, well as long as someone flushes the toilet it is! /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif



    kelly
     
  13. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    I have 2 cats. The female (almost 20 years old) is the smartest cat I've ever seen. She watches TV, can open doors, and loves about everybody. The male (9 years old) is the biggest coward !!! He is afraid of everything, but a big purrr monster. He'll jump up on my lap and purrr for hours. He doesn't like meny people. He is one of the most talkative cats I've had. He meows constantly in the morning till I feed him, and meows all times of the day and night becouse he wants attention. If I egnor him, he attacks (bites) the remote for the TV. It's pretty funny too see. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
     
  14. willyswanter

    willyswanter 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I have a cat, he's about 8 or so now. I found him as a kitten on my front door step looking for some food. Stuck with me ever since. He stays out all day then comes in at night and eats about 3 times his weight in food /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif. Anyway, I have no need for an alarm clock, this cat wakes me up at 6:30 on the button every morning, I was really suprised when time changed, he stayed right on schedule /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif. Every two weeks or so he comes up with a new way of waking me up. At first he would stick his paw in my mouth until I woke up, then he would walk next to my head and flop his whole body down on me over and over again. His latest thing is to find a cardboard box and start pulling on a flap making a popping sound over and over again until I'm so annoyed I put him out /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif

    His newest daily routin is go out at 6:30, come in at 8:30 and eat breakfast, go out again, come in for an afternoon nap at around 1, then go back out around 3 and come back in at dark. He's got a pretty laid back life /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif.

    Here he is in all his glory:

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    I had a cat that would wake me up by putting it's paw in my mouth. LOL, must be a cat thing. My male cat wakes me up by nipping my toes. Yes, he has been kicked off the bed more then once for biting toes and interupting good dream, LOL.
     
  16. NEOMASTINO2U

    NEOMASTINO2U 1/2 ton status

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    /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gifcute cat! my fat lazy cat, drools when you pet her, so i try to avoid doing it much unless i need a good shower!LOL! she can out drool my dog!

    kelly
     
  17. BigMac

    BigMac 1/2 ton status

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    I think your cat hasn't been properly conditioned.

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    . Well I hit her once and she clamped onto my arm, as if to say "do it agin and Ill shred you". Got her the second time, and ....she did. So NO it doesnt paralize them!


    [/ QUOTE ]

    Fear of thuunder and lightning falling from the sky prevents my cat from attempting this.

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    I dropped the cat, (remember I was sitting on the floor so it wasnt a far drop) and started to shoot her as she ran.


    [/ QUOTE ]

    see this is where training in the thunder and lightning technique comes in. My cat did that and took an express flight and a swim in the apartment pool. My cat Fugly has been with me for ten years now. She will let me do anything I need to do with her without a fight. She will growl to express her displeasure but no more shreading.
     
  18. 87Blazerlady

    87Blazerlady 1/2 ton status

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    I have 2 cats----Special Ed--she was the smallest of the kittens and Reds aka Flip Flop--He is funny. Totally dependant on you when he's on your lap. Falls asleep rolls and could fall and does if I'm not paying attention. Sleeps on the back of the couch. There one minute. Gone the next. Fell behind the couch. Now I know why cats sleep in the smallest boxes. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
    One time he was after a fly that landed on the wall. He lept and wound up behind the couch again. Nails screeching down the wall. He just gets up and goes at it again.
    He even tries to jump up on top of the gun cabinet that only has about an inch clearance. Down he goes. Just shakes it off and tries again.
    We have a shoebox set up with first aid stuff. He sleeps in it. Yes, cats are entertaining.
    Special Ed prairie dogs for her food. Now that is a sight, too. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  19. Zeus33rd

    Zeus33rd Smarter than you GMOTM Winner

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    I think cats are some of the coolest animals you can own. Mine also does nothing but eat, seep and $hit. /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  20. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

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    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    That was histerical Goober! I will be printing that out and giving it to a small animal shelter I work with. If only the the Rodents could read it. Too funny.
     

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