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everyone MUST read this, seriously, i almost died

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by uglychevyZZ4, Jul 17, 2003.

  1. uglychevyZZ4

    uglychevyZZ4 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Black Diamond, Wa
    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
    3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00

    Total $21.00
    ***********************************************
    Oil Change instructions for Men

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store
    and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
    cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
    check for $20.00, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot
    oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off
    face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a
    screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
    filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly
    hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to
    avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go
    see his new garage door opener work.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the
    oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from
    underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it to recycle.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step18.
    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
    thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    39) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
    Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
    Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
    plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33. Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
    hit Miss August in the left boob.
    36. Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total -- $4615.00
    But at least you know the job was done right!
     
  2. balzackks84

    balzackks84 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2002
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    Location:
    portland, oregon
    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  3. ChevyHuny

    ChevyHuny 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Washington State
    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  4. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2000
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    Location:
    portland oregon
    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  5. cegusman

    cegusman 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Houston/Katy, Tx
    Thats about right /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  6. ChevyCaGal

    ChevyCaGal 3/4 ton status

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    Location:
    Sacramento, CA USA
    Where is the part where you almost died? You lied, dang it! /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  7. k5ntexas

    k5ntexas 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2001
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    Location:
    corpus christi, texas.
    /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  8. uglychevyZZ4

    uglychevyZZ4 3/4 ton status

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    Location:
    Black Diamond, Wa
    [ QUOTE ]
    Where is the part where you almost died? You lied, dang it! /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif

    [/ QUOTE ]
    laughing that is /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  9. TXsizeK5

    TXsizeK5 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    College Station, TX
    [ QUOTE ]
    Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
    yard instead of taking it to recycle.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Who else does this /forums/images/graemlins/ignore.gif /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  10. 82K5_6.5L

    82K5_6.5L 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    Tucson, Az
    haha thats freaking awesome.. yea i have noticed it does take guys alot longer to do the oil change themselves.. hmmm!! /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  11. BowtieRed

    BowtieRed 1/2 ton status Author

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Winston-Salem, NC
    hmm. . . there are some strangely dead patches of ivy and various plants in my backyard /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif they are all black and smell strangely like transmission fluid and gear lube /forums/images/graemlins/thinking.gif
     
  12. BranndonC

    BranndonC 3/4 ton status

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    Location:
    Anaheim, Ca
  13. Drey

    Drey 3/4 ton status

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    Location:
    Iowa
    I think the grass in our backyard is used to it...they seem to grow better just after a spill /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
     
  14. 89K1500Chevy

    89K1500Chevy 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    Georgia, Fayetteville
    OMG thats great /forums/images/graemlins/rotfl.gif
     
  15. o2bjimmy

    o2bjimmy 1/2 ton status

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    Location:
    Rapid City, SD
    need an addition to #11 hopefully letting us skip #24 alltogether. any suggestions /forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif
     

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