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For the TEXANS---INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by SCOOBYDANNN, Jun 25, 2002.

  1. SCOOBYDANNN

    SCOOBYDANNN 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2001
    Posts:
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    Location:
    El Paso, TEXAS
    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:
    >
    > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    > Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    > judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    > moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    > directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the
    > other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    > spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    > tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
    > __________________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    > JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    > paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    > that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    > __________________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    > JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    > FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I'm
    > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    > the look on my face.
    > __________________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    > have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    > beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    > in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [censored]-faced from all the beer.
    > ______________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
    > it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
    > behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb cow is starting to look HOT just
    > like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    > _______________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    > considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring my forehead and I can no
    > longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    > beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    > It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    > Screw those red necks!
    > ________________________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
    > and peppers.
    > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    > Superb.
    > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    > flames. I [censored] myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
    > the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't
    > feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    > ____________________________________________
    >
    > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI:
    >
    > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    > peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
    > Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    > uncontrollably.
    > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    > feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    > it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
    > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [censored] to match my
    > damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    > decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
    > oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    > in my stomach.
     

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