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"getting lucky"

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, Jun 24, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Mar 30, 2002
    Likes Received:
    \"getting lucky\"

    You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

    Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket
    crying his eyes out.

    "What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

    "I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

    "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy. "Now tell me,
    what's mommy like?"

    "Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny
    Have you heard that Pillsbury merged with Trojan?
    They're coming out with a self-rising Condom
    A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
    have sinned."

    "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

    "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to
    explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I
    witnessed two men having sex."

    "Oh, so you were the [censored] with the flashlight?

    Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns
    to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much
    bigger than I am. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I
    just don't get it."
    "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
    "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
    "Hmmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
    "Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
    "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then
    I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
    "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the
    time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left
    but lips and a briefcase."

    Two young women who'd been out of touch for years met at the mall one day. The first said to the second,
    "Elizabeth, it's been so long. I heard you got married."
    "Yes," said Elizabeth, "I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too."
    "Hmmm," said the first woman, "isn't that bigamy?"

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


    A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful
    woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking
    down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a
    conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

    She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks,
    "And what do you do at this meeting?"

    "Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

    She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed,
    when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the
    Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

    "Very interesting..." the man responds.

    Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel
    so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

    The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."


    A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large
    breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore!
    She goes into her Supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does and that she wants to file
    a sexual harassment suit against the man.

    The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about telling you that
    your hair smells nice?"

    The woman replies "He is a f...ing dwarf you idiot!!"

    * * *

    A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?"

    The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.

    The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?"

    The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell
    marijuana." So the man went home.

    He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any
    weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed.

    He yells, "You frieking reefer-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever
    come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your frieking feet to the floor. Got it?
    Now beat it before I call the cops." So he left. The next day he went back to the same old place with
    a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?"

    The man hesitated, then replied, "Um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here."

    The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

    * * *

    Santa was delivering gifts as usual, and at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his
    arrival. She begged him to stay and to cuddle with her on the couch.

    Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

    Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her panties and bra. "OH
    Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried.

    Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said, "Ho-ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you

    Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and
    asked invitingly, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

    With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said, "Ho-ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these
    presents, you know." And with that, he turned and left.

    Several minutes passed and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the
    beautiful girl.

    "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

    Santa grinned and said, "Hey-hey-hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney... THIS way!"

    * * *

    Little Johnny and his dad went shopping at the grocery store. Walking down an aisle, Johnny
    asked his dad if he could have a box of Lucky Charms. His dad said," Well, Johnny, can you touch
    your [censored] with your dick?" Johnny said, "No!!" Johnny's dad said, "Well, there's your answer."
    Later, Johnny asked if he could have Spagettios. His dad, again, said, "Can you touch your
    [censored] with your dick?" Johnny said, "No!!" His dad said, "Well, there's your answer." At the end
    of the shopping trip, Johnny's dad felt bad about how he had talked to Johnny, so he bought him
    an instant lottery ticket. Johnny scratched the ticket and found that he won $1,000!!! His dad said,
    "Hey, Johnny, you gonna share the money with your old man? Johnny asked, "Dad, can you
    touch your [censored] with your dick?" Johnny's dad said., "As a matter of fact, I can!" Johnny said,
    "GOOD, GO F*** YOURSELF!!"


    Sue Wong marries Lee Wong, The next year they have a baby.
    The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, but definitely
    a Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse, "What
    will you name the baby"? The puzzled father looks at the baby and says,

    Well two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting
    Wong". /forums/images/icons/grin.gif /forums/images/icons/grin.gif /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
  2. FL84K5

    FL84K5 1/2 ton status

    Aug 19, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Sarasota, FL
    Re: \"getting lucky\"

    lol /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
  3. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

    Jul 23, 2000
    Likes Received:
    E-town baby!
    Re: \"getting lucky\"

    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

    [/ QUOTE ]



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