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GREAT INSITE OF CHILI

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Commocozy, Apr 4, 2002.

  1. Commocozy

    Commocozy 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Chicago Area(Gurnee IL)
    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was "Recently, I
    was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
    person called
    in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
    judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I
    was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
    be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have all the beer I
    wanted. "
    Here are the scorecards from the event:
    >>>> CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    >>>> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    >>>> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    >>>> FRANK: Holy [censored], what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
    >>>> I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >>>> CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    >>>> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    >>>> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.
    >>>> CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    >>>> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    >>>> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    >>>> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
    before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
    front part of my chest. I'm getting [censored]-faced from all the beer.
    >>>> CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    >>>> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
    mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
    it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
    behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT,
    just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    >>>> CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    >> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    >>>> considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    >>>> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    >>>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
    longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
    The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
    brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
    it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me
    off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    >>>> Screw those rednecks!
    >>>> CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
    peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    flames. I [censored] myself when I farted and I' m worried it will eat through the
    chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She
    must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
    ass with a snow cone!
    >>>> CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHIli
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    >>>> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
    Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
    a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
    made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
    out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [censored] to match my damn shirt.
    At least during the autopsy they'll
    >> know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
    Screw it.
    I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    >>>> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    >>>> CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
    >>>> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
    Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
    over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
    to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
     
  2. Hossbaby50

    Hossbaby50 3/4 ton status

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    I read this the other day, it was funny as hell.
     
  3. laketex

    laketex 3/4 ton status

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    Ya like that? It's true too. I cook competition chili and last time out I was at a second round judging table. The guy next to me was from new england somewhere, and when it was all over (11 chilis tasted), he turns to me and says...Damn, that's some HOT SH@T. I thought that was pretty funny cause they were all relatively mild. /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif
     

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