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Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Z3PR, Aug 26, 2002.

  1. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

    Joined:
    Mar 30, 2002
    Posts:
    19,217
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    Location:
    Everywhere
    Two old women were enjoying the day at the park. As they sat on the park bench a man ran up to them, opened his over coat and
    flashed them. One of the old woman immediately had a stroke...
    The other one couldn't quite reach.



    MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so
    ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she
    tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

    The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them,
    she took revenge on them in her own special way,- said Melbourne police
    investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station,
    laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those
    bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

    Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis
    and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
    hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were
    holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come,
    but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy,
    Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be
    using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are
    still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after
    what they've been through.

    The Rambo Granny swung into action June 21 after her granddaughter Debbie
    was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a
    section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's
    face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get
    those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,"
    recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either --
    because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't
    dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

    So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description
    of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the
    wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the
    ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I know it was them the
    minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to
    Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I
    went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and
    the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square
    between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then
    I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare
    him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

    Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the
    vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is
    difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison. Det. Delp said,
    especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for
    sainthood and a medal.
    als
    I am passing this on to you......It is definitely working for me.

    I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the
    way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

    Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a cheesecake, a small box
    of chocolates, three jelly donuts, two hamburgers, seventeen cigarettes
    and a bottle of vodka.

    I feel much better already.

    Please pass this along to those who need Inner Peace.
    als
    http://www.derekgrout.com/doughboy/doughboy2/poopboy.swf
    COPY AND PASTE THIS SITE AND MAKE SURE YOUR
    SOUND IS UP!
    als
    NOTES TO THE MILKMAN

    "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave
    another one."

    "Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

    "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is
    drink it."

    "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my
    wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my
    pocket for weeks."

    "Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg
    and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round."

    "When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window
    and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to
    turn the mattress."

    "Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
    last night's SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me
    what happened?"

    "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do
    it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the
    bottle?"

    "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a
    baby two months old and did not know about it until
    a
    neighbor told me."

    "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to
    supply it."

    "From now on please leave two pints every other day
    and one pint on the days in between, except
    Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

    "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
    get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
    kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

    "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I
    mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday...or is it
    today ?"


    "When you come with the milk please put the coal on
    the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside
    the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk."

    "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
    as he is dead until further notice." /forums/images/icons/grin.gif /forums/images/icons/grin.gif
     
  2. MizBeyatch

    MizBeyatch Registered Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2002
    Posts:
    36
    Likes Received:
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    Location:
    JAW-JA
    Take your time, you will find one that is just right.


    1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

    2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

    3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

    4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

    7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

    11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

    12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

    14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

    16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

    18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

    20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again ?

    21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

    22) Procrastinate Now

    23) Rehab Is for Quitters

    24) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

    25) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.

    26) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING

    27) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

    28) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

    29) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    30) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    31) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

    32) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.

    33) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

    34) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog.

    35) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN . Cops have nothing to go on.

    36) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

    37) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.

    38) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

    39) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

    40) HAM AND EGGS -A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    41) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

    42) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    43) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

    44) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
     

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