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Having problems with family again...any advice?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by mikey_d05, Oct 5, 2005.

  1. mikey_d05

    mikey_d05 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I put up a short thread a long time ago about how my dad and I weren't seeing eye to eye. It never really got much better but I went off to college so I figured it'd just blow over....well....to make quite a few long stories short it hasn't.

    I'm not saying I'm an angel by any means and I can see his point on a few issues but damn are some of his reasons ridiculous. He's after me constantly for spending so much money on a vehicle and when I try to point out how much he spends hunting he just shuts me out. I cut a $1,500 check to my IRA last year while doing this build. I bust ass (worked 40 hours a week during school and anywhere from 50-70 this summer) to keep up my savings and do what I enjoy. He's threatened to take the orange truck away numerous times for no apparent reason and then flips out when I humbly point out that I paid for and possess the title to both the truck and the trailer it rides on.

    His latest catalyst for flipping out is that I used some of his sandpaper. I used the sandpaper while painting my truck roughly six months ago and he knew about it and didn't care. I have a three day weekend coming up and I'm planning on spending the whole weekend working on the truck which will probably just make it even worse. It's gotten to the point where if I could store and wrench on the truck locally I'd never go home.

    He wasn't like this for the first half of my senior year and before. I don't know what I did to set him off besides start building on the K5. I'm pretty short tempered and ordinarily I'll tell him off but his pickup is my tow rig and I'm not about to drive a narrowed K5 on 40's and missing it's top to the trailhead.

    This is half rant and half plea for advice. My dad and I used to be best friends but that's changed a lot in the past year. My question is mainly addressed to fathers but if you've got any insight...what the hell is going on?
     
  2. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    IMNSHO, your Dad is having a hard time accepting that his boy is a man and that it is time to let go.
     
  3. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    You said it right there. You need to pull him aside and have a heart to heart talk and tell him right what you said there, "My dad and I used to be best friends" and if that quote don't work on him, I don't know what will. Don't be a dick about it though. Just be honest and straight forward with him. Let him know how you feel. Ask him, politely, what his problem is and why exactly he is the way he is about you now.

    Whatever you do, don't raise your voice or get angry whatsoever. Just be nice, calm and collective. Being nice and calm goes a loooooooooooooong way when working out a problem with someone.
     
  4. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    I have 2 sons bout your age(21, 25), both on their own, one in college. If you can't talk face to face w/o getting into a fight, write your dad a , letter, Ask him politely why he SEEMS to be on your case so hard. Don't criticize him or bust his chops in the letter, just explain that you are confused. Sounds to me like your dad is having some financial concerns, and you trigger them. Hope this helps.
     
  5. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Sometimes there are other problems/pressures that you don't even know about. My father was always worried that I spent too much time dicking off (his words) to really apply myself to school and that it would cause my grades to drop and cost me later. If you have straight A's and make all of the $$ yourself, it may be something else.
     
  6. onlychevy6

    onlychevy6 1/2 ton status

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    just some words from a person who went trough some things like this....

    I am much old than you. But i can tell you this. Your father may be a pain in the @ss right now. However as you get older and start a family of your own you shall realize what he is doing.

    Now i have not read your thread from before.

    Your dad may see alot of him self in you and does not like it. Like my father has said on many occasions, he feels like he was a bad father. And he does not want me or any of his kids to grow up like him and do the things he did.

    When my father got out of the Marine Corps. Things really hit the fan. And at that time i was a freshman in high school back in the mid to late 80's. He moved back to Texas and i maid the choice to stay in Calif. I did not speak to my father for almost 3 years because of it.

    As a father myself now. i can now say he was doing his best to keep me out of trouble and was in my opinion a great father. i don't think i would have the things i have had it not been for the way he raised me. All i can say is listen to what he says and respect him for it. You may not agree with everything he says but at least listen.

    Ask him to go somewhere either on a hunting trip, fishing trip, or heck even offroading. Spend some QUALITY time with him. And spill your guts out to him, on how you feel just don't say it in a way to cause a fight.

    And let him tell you what is on his mind.

    Your father is only going to be alive for so many years once he is gone. You will regret alot of things you did not have the chance to do with him while he is alive and well now.

    Sorry so long

    GOOD LUCK

    Jeff
     
  7. onlychevy6

    onlychevy6 1/2 ton status

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    I agree with this statement
     
  8. mikey_d05

    mikey_d05 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Thanks for the replies guys, sorry for the outta the blue mid-day thread but I called home to tell my parents that I would be home on Friday and got an earful from my dad. It's very possible he can't accept the fact that I'm not his little boy anymore. Don't worry about being blunt, I'm all for brutal honesty. As for the money thing, I'm not boasting or anything but our family is pretty well off and I believe I have a pretty strong work ethic so I'm kinda doubting that's it. I think my dad has been a good father, strict where he needs to be, relaxed where he doesn't. I think I was raised right and frankly that's probably the only reason I know this situation sucks.

    I've tried to be nice and talk about things but usually he gets belligerent and I lose it. If I have the gumption I'll give it a shot this weekend, I'm thinking a letter might just be best though since that doesn't give either of us a chance to raise our voices.
     
  9. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

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    Repeat the last paragraph of you post to your dad, word for word. Then stand there quietly, and let him talk. If he won't talk, or he tries to walk away, stand in front of him, and ask him again.. " we used to be best friends, what happened"?

    If you agree with him on the points he's right about, you can start the discussion there.. say, "dad, you're right about blah blah blah, but I don't understand the hositility I'm getting from you."

    Tell him you loive him , and that you want your dad back.. unless he's an alcohol fueled monster, that should get the ball rolling.

    Also, if you realize you are short tempered, you'll have to change that. you might be pouring gas on the fire and not realize it.

    My mom died when I was 23. ( I'm 38 now) My first thought was, dammit god, you stuck me with the parent I didn't really get along with"..

    Long story short was I had to learn to look at my dad as a man with issues and feelings, and not some unapproachable demigod. ( although he acted like that at times)

    I had to keep my ego on a leash, listen to and understand him, and also teach him better people skills. He was always work oriented, and talked to everyone like an employee ( which REALLY endeared him to everyone, lemme tell ya)

    What I found when I got to know him, was that he was a super sensitive guy, that lived by his emotions.. he has a big heart, but the way he got treated, and caused other people to treat him, made him lash out at whoever he wanted attention from.

    Sometimes I got bit when I got too close, but I decided that fixing my relationship with my dad was more important than keeping my pride and feelings intact, which is the route several of my siblings took. ( I'm the youngest of 4). A lot of the attitude and hassles I got from him was just due to the fact he was pissed at things he couldn't control, ( like my sister), and took it out on me.

    Now, my dad is one of my best friends, and without him, I'd be sunk. He likes having my wife and I live here with him, so he's not by himself. and when my latest eterpreneurial venture takes off, he's going with us when we buy a house, with a barn big enough for all the cars.


    Stay patient, and keep talking to him.. don't let silence build any resentments or assumptions.. don't forget, love is a verb, so love the guy, and do stuff with him too, whenever possible. we aren't promised a tomorrow.

    Tom
     
  10. rugger03

    rugger03 1/2 ton status

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    Well, i have to play devils advocate. I might have missed it in your previous posts so i have to ask.

    Are you parents paying for your school in anyway way shape or form? DO you live at home in the summer time?

    -First and formost you have no buisness telling your dad how he spends his money unless you support him. My dad would have pounded me for doing so. He on the other hand does have a vested intrest in your finances if he gives you any financial aid over the course of the year.

    -I can see where your dad would get pissed if your putting money into a trail only truck if once again he's helping support you.

    Now if your putting yourself through school and paying your own way for EVERYTHING. It could be a host of otherthings going on. When i was your age i fought with my dad alot mainly becuase i was independant and i felt like he was trying to still e in control. Looking back it was probally a little of him wanting to be apart of what i was doing and me getting pissed becuase he wouldnt let me do it on my own.

    If he is rational he probally realizes your blazer is depreciating money pit (if any anyone reading this doenst think that get your head checked) and would rather have you saving it for school, your eventual job search etc. etc.

    Have you ever taken him along for a weekend on the trail maybe by doing so he would understnad why you spend money on the trail rig.

    Just some basic ramblings....Don't let **** go south with your dad he wont be here for ever and when he's gone you will regret it if you do.

    cheers,
    rugger
     
  11. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

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    one question.
    do you pay for your school too?

    if you dont could he see you "wasting" your money on a truck that to HIM seems useless? while he pays for your school?

    if you pay for it then i dont know.

    get him away from every one and have a heart to heart, not about indevidualy things but of the whole isue, dont worry about the little things, if you can get the big thing behind you the little stuff will fall into place.
     
  12. ryoken

    ryoken Puppy Fabricator Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    good advice in this thread....

    little devils advocate here too, bringing up his hunting as opposed to your stuff is wrong.. thats a liberals way of arguing.. one has nothing to do with the other, your avoiding and deflecting your issue..

    and you may be busting your a$$, but i'm sure you owe him your a$$.. you've never paid rent, utility bills, etc for him.. prolly food too... so keep that in mind.. it is his house.. need to respect that...

    as the others pointed out.. you blowing money on the truck when it could be going to what he feels are more "useful" things might be a sticking point to him...

    just have a chat with him, be mature, calm and try to be understanding of where he's coming from... best of luck with it... :D
     
  13. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

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    I am the father of 2 step kids even though i have had them for 13 years. They are 16 and 17. I am only 34 also so i got these step kids early and may have made enough mistakes. Me and the wife do not see alot on raising the 2 the same as each other. Agian try and have a talk with him when he is in a good mood and not busy doing other things.
    Now. When i work 8 thru 12 or more hours a day 6 or 7 days a week then have to come home and cut the grass do the dogs, and fix this or that then the dishes are not done or someone has left thier junk in the living room that i have to throw out of the way before i can sit down. Some days i come home and sit for 15 or so minutes before getting up and doing a few more hours worth of things around the house or yard. What have you done to help do things around the house and yard that are easy for him to notice? Do you leave these things (places) that you work on things cleaner than when you started? When you make somethin to eat do wipe off the counter and do the dishes? Do you keep your stuff at the house picked up and do your own clothes? Agian if he helps pay for your schooling and board or anything do you try and give a little back? If you drink the last of the tea do you make more? If you steal one of my beers every now and then do you every now and then bring home a 12 pack for me? And you want to know why after the regular 10 hour day and then coming home and having to do other stuff when my money is going to bills except for some money that i manage to hide and you are wasteing time and money d12king around with that thing. :mad: him :D you understand :doah:

    just anther .5 cents cause they are taxing all my hard earned money to death while you are blowing yours on that contraption. :( Just let know and i will pick it up and you will not have it there to argue over anymore. :deal: please :bow:
     
  14. mikey_d05

    mikey_d05 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Yeah, my parents help with school. I don't know many kids whose parents don't (no, I don't associate with millionaires) and since my parents paid for my sister's education at a private college in it's entirety I don't feel guilty about it one bit. I don't tell him what to do with his money, he volunteered it. Like I said, we're pretty well off so it's not like I'm causing him economic stress. I don't want to go into any further detail about it so I'll leave that one be.

    If I were paying for 100% absolutely everything and had the orange truck here, I wouldn't go home. I don't like my home town, the friends that I care about I keep in touch with, and my dad being a dick to me all combine to kinda stack the cards like that. The only reason I go as much as I do is to work on the truck. I love my parents in the typical I love my parents kinda way, I just don't need to see them every week to remind me of it.

    I know my K5 is a money pit, but so are vehicles in general. I picked an expensive hobby, I realize that. My argument is that if it seems useless to him, fine. If I wouldn't have gotten into off roading, I wouldn't work as much as I do/did. Once again, my hobby causes him no additional financial strain except for a small amount of wear on his pickup. Heck, I use his credit card to pay for the diesel per his request, pay him cash for the full price of the fuel, and he turns around and pays 70%-75% of the cost since his business is a sole propriotorship and it's his work vehicle.

    Relating wheeling to hunting is definitely a dumb liberal's way of arguing, but I'm not avoiding the issue, it's the only way I can relate it to him. He doesn't care about vehicles, he sees a chunk of metal on wheels, always has always will. He loves hunting and would shut down his practice and go hunting every day of his life if he could. That's how I feel about wheeling, that's why I pour oogobs of money into that machine. Someone said the K5 is a depreciation nightmare...yep, very true...how much is a rack on the wall worth monetarily compared to the blood, sweat, and tears you spent getting that deer and the memories you created while you're out there? See what I'm getting at? The hobbies aren't all that different, and he's in love with his, I'm in love with mine, that's why I made the argument.

    As for rent, utility bills, etc.....how many people pay their parents rent while in high school? I know I opened myself up to it but that's getting pretty overzealous. In all honesty, I think the truck was more of a turning point because I wrench more and hunt less than I used to. He pretty much flat out refuses to help me or ride with me so any thoughts of reconciling the relationship on a trail ride are out the window.

    Anyways, I'll give it a whirl this weekend. It's probably gonna turn into another bitch fest since I'll be in the garage most of the weekend but oh well, I'll have my own tow rig soon enough.

    EDIT: About chores, I do my dishes and laundry, I don't mow since he usually does it mid week. One example of what I consider unfair is our garage, he wanted the garage to be heated, so a friend and I insulated and sheetrocked the entire thing (essentially a four car garage) and insulated the attic and put plywood down so it could be used as a storage space. I left four axleshafts, a piece of strap, and a 10' section of PVC up there in a way out of the way corner last time I went home and he got pissed...these are the types of things I'm getting upset about...am I being unreasonable? (I'm seriously asking)
     
  15. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

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    just help do things around the house and yard and se if it helps so that he has more fre time. The more you do the more other things he has time to do.
     
  16. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    You might be on to something there. If he loves to hunt and considered your hunting time together to be quality time with his son that he no longer has because of a truck that he sees as a hunk of depreciation..... :thinking:
     

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