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HELP...daughter needs money

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 76zimmer, Mar 8, 2007.

  1. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    My daughter is almost 20 with an almost 2 year old to take care of.
    She is trying to make a go of it on her own, but is having a tough time with daycare issues, work issues, transportation issues, and struggling financially. The little girls dad is a deadbeat, no child support, and has neglected her since he got a new girlfriend.
    She just started a new job today, but will not get paid for 2 weeks, which will leave a gap in the income. Of course electric is due, and others, so she calls me again to ask if she can work some at my house to earn some extra money. I hate to see her struggle, but for most of her life she hasn't hurt for anything she NEEDED. And she's had plenty of extras too.
    Anyhow, I feel like she needs to go through this rough period to appreciate what she has ahead of her, and what having a job, and responsibility is about, but its so tough seeing her struggle, and of course I feel like I should still provide for her to some degree. And its heartbreaking to hear your daughter plead to you for help. I'm letting her slide on money she owes me from other serious occurrences, but told her she could clean my house or do some computer work for me if she wanted. I kinda feel like just giving her a few hundred to get even with things, but kinda feel like it would send the message of "If I get in a bind Dad will give me more money" I've done this to the tune of thousands already, some of it as gifts to her, and some of it to help her out, and try to get ahead, but she just seems to take one step forward, then two back.

    If you could, take an objectionable view of this, to do whats best for her now and in the long term.
    Thanks brothers:bow:
     
  2. skyyk5

    skyyk5 1/2 ton status

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    Deadbeat Dads :mad: . I wish Her the best of luck!
     
  3. K5Greek

    K5Greek 1/2 ton status

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    tough situation...not sure what to do, but maybe go and put a small payment down for the electricity and ask if they can accept a late payment with no extra charges? you dont want to keep bailing her out though because like you said.. she always try and fall back on you

    good luck and i hope she makes it through this
     
  4. 54inches

    54inches 1/2 ton status

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    She will either sink or swim, but my guess is she will swim, but you both will sink if you pay her to swim.
     
  5. ryoken

    ryoken Puppy Fabricator Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    I would help, but keep it a minimum...Mainly because she's trying... Has the job and offered to work for it.. Not like she's laying around being lazy... And I would let it be known not to expect this all the time...

    My daughters hammered me the last couple years since high school, but she's been trying, sooooo...
     
  6. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Ask her if she's interested in a new man, a responsible one, and willing to relocate. ;)
     
  7. Corey 78K5

    Corey 78K5 1 ton status

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    So why isn't she getting any child support from the dead beat? Seems to me that now days they will track your ass down for not supporting your kids.
     
  8. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Paul, its tough isn't it? I get to hear this from others at work too, so I guess its not that uncommon, but for me, I had to make a go of it on my own, as there were too many of us siblings to even think of a handout.
    I think around my town anyway, that the society has allowed these kids to form into that mentality.
    I know I couldn't let her sink, she is trying. If she were screwing off and sinking that would be different, but I've told her as long as she is trying to improve her life I would help her. Its tough giving tough love.
     
  9. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    a) take the deadbeat to court to get child support... these days you can't just fire the sperm cannon and not pay the piper.

    b) I agree that you shouldn't just give her some $$$... that will only lead to the "if I get in a bind, daddy will bail me out" mindset which will be very destructive over the long term. If you did that, it's doubtful that she will set up a "emergency fund" savings account, for example... which all adults should have. Things happen... people lose their jobs or get disabled or whatever. Show he what its like to not have any outside support/help and she'll be much more likely to be better prepared next time.

    c) paying her $ to do work for ya isn't a bad idea IMO, if ya wanna keep the suffering to a minimum. Just make sure she actually works... otherwise she will come to see it as a handout/bailout and you'll be in the same situation as discussed in part B.

    good luck, be strong... you're thinking is dead-on IMO.

    j
     
  10. sarasotausmc

    sarasotausmc 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    If the opportunity to take care of your grandchild for a couple few weeks is there, offer it. If you daughter uses the time to find her calling and get a foot in the door before the obvious single mom's issues arise, work it out with her until she is rooted where she needs to be. Bonus, you get time with your grandkid to impart your values. If there is no progress, the deal comes to an end and resume whatever relationship you have with your grandchild.

    Give a man a fish/teach a man to fish idea comes into play here.
     
  11. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    J, thanks
    a) the Friend of the Court in Michigan, says they have turned it over to investigation, and don't expect to hear anything before 6 mos. Thats why the bastard isn't paying. And he works for a cash job, no record of earnings.
    b) I've tried to get her head right with money....she has had a bad example in her mother....spend spend spend. luckily she doesn't have any credit cards. I've tried to tell her that if she didn't see things as I've suggested them, then that is her right, she is an adult, but I also don't have to give her money to bail her on something that she has diagreed with me on.
    c)I've done this a couple times in the past, and although its work well paid, at least she is working for it.
    Thanks for the support:bow:
     
  12. jekbrown

    jekbrown I am CK5 Premium Member GMOTM Winner Author

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    sounds like you're doing everything the right way to me mang. I don't have kids... but imagine it would really suck to see them in a pickel like this. My guess is, everything is going to turn out OK... she will appreciate what help she gets... and make better decisions in the future. :)

    j
     
  13. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Hey George, great idea. That little girl makes me shine like my daughter did at that age, BUT she loves her momma. I can get her away for a few, but she starts looking for mom when the distraction has worn off. Cute kid.
    And I've been trying to teach, but then comes the "not another lecture Dad" look. Like I said its tough giving tough love.
    The "this is gonna hurt me, more than it is you" phrase comes to mind.:haha:
     
  14. justhorsinaround

    justhorsinaround 3/4 ton status

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    I dunno. My parents have bailed us out plenty of times. We don't expect it and are very grateful when they do. I don't even come close to thinking of them as the Bank of Mom and Dad but they are there when we absolutely, positively need them.

    Give her the minimum help she needs. Don't bail her out. Pay the past due on her notices. Hopefully she can get up to even in a couple of months.
     
  15. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    :haha: :haha: :haha: She would gawk at an old fart like you.....

    "You've got to be joking Dad" is what I will hear, but hey I'll ask her tomorrow.
     
  16. blazinzuk

    blazinzuk Buzzbox voodoo Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    If it hadn't been for my parents I would have lost my house and pretty much everything else when I got sick. I am older than your daughter but it sure is nice knowing someone is there.

    I think you are doing everything right. Mabey a community college class on budgeting or some such thing as that. Like others have said if you can pay for something like this that will help over the long run it will be worth it.

    Kudos to you for being a good parent
     
  17. garlicbreath

    garlicbreath 1/2 ton status

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    I am 30, paying my dads car payment, and have my mom living with me since christmas when she broke her ankle. They were both from the tough love camp, you gotta earn it first mentality.
    And I think about that every time I write that check for 330 for my dads car.
    BUT, when I asked him to help me buy my house 4 years ago, he took another mortgage out and gave me 8,000.00
    That was when he was making 110,000 a year. Things changed, and his car, that I talked him into buying for himself because he deserved something nice, is all he has left.
    It is hard, I can't afford it, but things all come around in the end.

    If you can AFFORD to help her out, do it, with no strings attached, but I also am a strong beliver in clear cut boundaries. You know if you pay the electric bill FOR her, where it's going.
    If she starts asking for 50 bucks cash, that deserves a few questions.

    I have dated single moms, one had to work for everything, and I can honestly say women are the stronger sex for going through something like that alone. I would just sell the kid for truck parts. Emotionally she is probably a wreck.

    If you can help her, do it. if it means you can't eat or live normally, set some rules.
    Nowadays kids don't just move into adulthood at 18 it seems.

    I know I didn't, it took me well into my 20's to even get my head out of my ass.

    And the one thing my dad told me along time ago that I still remember, is kids are like creeks, you can't drastically change it's direction in an instant, but you can slowly guide it this way or that.
     
  18. JEBSR

    JEBSR 1/2 ton status

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    Well Zimmer, I remember joining the military because it was so hard to make ends meat in my small home town. I was a Private in the Army with a wife and three small kids. My wife couldn't work because she would make less than the daycare cost to watch the children. We had some very hard times and never received any real help through it all. At most we borrowed 50-100 for food 3-4 times and paid it back on the first payday. I am very glad to have went through those times though as it has made us who we are today, taught us to manage our money properly, and work for what we have.

    With that said, my kids are now teenagers and I know I may being in the same possition as you soon enough. I believe that as long as she is trying her best I would provide help with daycare as that is a major expence. Once that is done she should have little more than normal bills that any single person would have. That should help her alot. Maybe give the child a few extra gifts like shoes, clothes, diapers (if it applies) that would take the load off there. That way your being nice to your grandchild instead of giving money to your daughter.

    Anyway, we can all say what we would do and never really know the truth until we were in that possition. I wish her luck..
     
  19. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Report him to the IRS if there are no records and he owns anything of value, like a newer car - gotta pay the note somehow.
     
  20. djsblaze

    djsblaze 1/2 ton status

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    He's right. Inform the IRS (you'll have an office near you), and also contact the Dept. of Labor in your state and report the employer. The cash thing will end really quick once the Dept. of Labor gets involved. (Im a low buck attorney - when I cant win for a client, I try to fix the other party's wagon one way or another....good luck.
     

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