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How To Poop At Work

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by txfiremank5, Apr 4, 2005.

  1. txfiremank5

    txfiremank5 1/2 ton status

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    Here is the list I was looking for... probably a re-post, but for those who have not seen it, here it is.

    HOW TO TAKE A POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our office chairs and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions; pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. (a/k/a CRAP ALERT!)

    SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while in the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
     
  2. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: thats it . :)
     
  3. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    "Dispatch, I'm 10-6, Code Brown."

    :D
     
  4. short sub

    short sub Registered Member

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    haha thats some funny stuff man
     
  5. MTMike

    MTMike 1/2 ton status

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    :haha::haha: Thats the one.

    I couldn't find it on my HDD, I'm glad you did
     
  6. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    It's not funny until you have to put it into actual use. Granted I didn't make the radio call, but I was 20 miles from porcelin friendly territory and felt like I was getting ready to give birth to Dumbo the Elephant through my butt.............
     
  7. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

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    When they call on the radio and you are in the stall. The proper response is" The jumpers are in the door". :shocked:

    Is this mostly an office thing or something? :dunno: Most of us working people understand :deal: that this is just one of those things and look for the cleanest throne. :yikes:

    What about those folks that talk on a cell phone while on the throne at work? :eek: Make you want to flush every urnal huh? :haha:
     
  8. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    I was talking to Can Can on the toilet, and Kid Jethro called me while I was cutting my hair in there

    My toilet is the only place I sit that's comfortable anyway
     
  9. PhoenixZorn

    PhoenixZorn 1/2 ton status

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    Hell yeah... I've been there... like, who the f*#$ is this guy talking to?? I never understood - unless you are in the privacy of your own home - how anyone can talk on the phone while crapping. I'm currently experiencing the "Operation: Dumbo Drop" feeling right now, and it's uncomfortable at best... I have only a half hour left of work though, so I can stand to wait to pinch this loaf until I get home.
     
  10. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    How about the arched back brake stand keeping it in drive home?
     
  11. spearchucker

    spearchucker 1/2 ton status

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    There's a similar list but I think I'll have to post it in the pen.
     

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