Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

I don't know why this is funny, but it is.....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by bigcountryk5, Dec 6, 2005.

  1. bigcountryk5

    bigcountryk5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2004
    Posts:
    931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    G-vegas(Greenville) South Carolina
    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
    Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by
    giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the
    farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
    gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
    breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that
    Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
    cried.

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
    that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
    time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
    over the Pacific Ocean.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
    Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
    mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
    good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
    Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck
    roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
    soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
    stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
    They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
    month.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood
    a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
    wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE
    PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
    Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
    bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five
    months later he realized the irony of this statement
    and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
    radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
    people anyway.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
    time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
    Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
    them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
    not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
    roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
    wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
    meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before
    you.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
    as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
    Bull.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer,
    Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for
    2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only
    to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
    Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby
    Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to
    his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'
    obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
    to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
    all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was
    actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
    Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
    as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
    drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
    pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
    show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
    "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
    stared at him until he exploded.

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
    finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.
    Jesus has missed two.

    Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
    pointing at her and saying "booya".

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded
    to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then
    drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because
    he's Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
    Order are trademarked names for his left and right
    legs.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
    can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
    from death.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
    the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
    alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
    was more humane.

    Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult
    your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4
    hours. His erections have been known to last for up to
    15 days.

    Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever
    that shows clips from Walker: Texas Ranger and is
    working on a way to make it show clips of Norris
    having sex with Conan's wife.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
    Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
    honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
    minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
    when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
    cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
    asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
    kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
    Norris."

    Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she
    didn't give him exact change.

    Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books
    for children who just bought one for the hell of it.
    When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll
    give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
    them in the face.

    Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of
    his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris,
    she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck
    if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't
    hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

    There are no disabled people, only people who have
    angered chuck norris

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them
    down until he gets the inform ation that he needs

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

    Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word.
    He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that
    was thrown at him and the game forfeited.

    Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare
    knuckle boxing match... with both hands tied behind
    his back

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are
    hung like Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the
    face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is
    chuck norris

    Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out
    fully solved.

    Many ancient Greeks believed that Achilles' only
    weakness was his heel. They were all wrong - Achilles'
    other weakness was Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris was one of the original members of the
    Wu-Tang Clan, but quit because they weren't street
    enough.

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American. This has
    nothing to do with his heritage, the man ate a ****ing
    Indian.

    Go ahead and say somethin about Chuck Norris...
     
  2. Drey

    Drey 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    May 8, 2003
    Posts:
    8,288
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Iowa
  3. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Posts:
    4,437
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas Baby!!!!
    I agree, I don't know why it is funny, but I am laughing out loud.:D :D :D
     
  4. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2000
    Posts:
    38,584
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    Holy crap thats some funny chit....:bow: :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  5. gjk5

    gjk5 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2004
    Posts:
    5,312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Grand Junction, CO
    I saw that site a couple of weeks ago, it is funny as ****.
     
  6. bigcountryk5

    bigcountryk5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2004
    Posts:
    931
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    G-vegas(Greenville) South Carolina
    one more.....


    Chuck Norris does not wear condoms, for two reasons.
    1. they are not made big enough
    2. no one tells chuck norris what to do!
     
  7. ak bandit

    ak bandit 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2004
    Posts:
    386
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eagle River, Alaska
    :haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  8. 87BrnRsd

    87BrnRsd 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2003
    Posts:
    2,457
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boone, North Carolina
  9. santana

    santana 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2003
    Posts:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Mesa Arizona
    :haha: The original theme song to the Transformers was
    actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck
    Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris
    as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
    drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
    pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single
    show, however, so it was divided.:haha: :haha:


    A silver Dodge pick up...:haha:
     
  10. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2000
    Posts:
    15,552
    Likes Received:
    136
    Location:
    Cochrane, Alberta, Canada
    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

    But what about "Zathura"?:thinking:
     
  11. GotLabs

    GotLabs 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2005
    Posts:
    2,795
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Transient, USA
    Why was I laughing at those? Maybe I was scared not to?
     
  12. koldsimer

    koldsimer 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2005
    Posts:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    texas
    More than a month old and still making me laugh my ass off. Just saw chuck on cold pizza and I had to revive it.
     
  13. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    Posts:
    14,681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    High velocity, Low altitude
    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He had sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes.

    Chuck Norris, in a prior life, can be remembered as the man who pissed out the Great Chicago Fire from the kitchen of his home in El Paso, while preparing 12 million kilograms of lobster bisque for the starving orphaned children of dead Civil War soldiers. Chuck Norris was also credited with heel kicking a cancerous tumor off the brain of a child that very same day. The child was later identified as Albert Einstein.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

    There is no theory of evolution - only a list of creature Chuck Norris allows to live

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
     
  14. CustomChevy

    CustomChevy 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2005
    Posts:
    4,328
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kitchener, Ontario, Canada


    Thats a classic.

    you better have given that one a 10
     
  15. koldsimer

    koldsimer 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2005
    Posts:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    texas
    :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: This **** is hilarious. If I could figure out what makes making fun of The Chuck so enjoyable, I would bottle it and sell it. Or trade it back to The Chuck in exchange for 1/1,000th of his roundhouse kick skills.
     
  16. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2003
    Posts:
    7,198
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NC
    Chuck Norris doesn't sell his skills. Instead, he dares you to steal them.
     
  17. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2004
    Posts:
    14,681
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    High velocity, Low altitude
    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris once killed seventeen people with a roll of Scott toilet paper

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris doesn't bleed. The red is a warning sign.

    Chuck Norris' urine gets 57 miles to the gallon in any Kia. Upon learning that his urine was being used as an alternative energy source to gasoline by a foreign automobile company, Chuck Norris began drinking nuclear waste. Over 1300 Kia owners perished from radiation before scientists identified the problem. Chuck Norris is not sorry
     
  18. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2005
    Posts:
    11,460
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    SWVA
    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.


    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.


    When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.


    When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

    Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.


    Ice isn’t cold water, it’s water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.


    When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”


    Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

    Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.


    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


    In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states “All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris’s records.”


    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


    When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
     

Share This Page