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I have a relationship question also....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by BigOrange90Jimmy, Apr 13, 2005.

  1. BigOrange90Jimmy

    BigOrange90Jimmy 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    I just broke up with my girlfriend of almost 3 years Monday night. I'm not quite sure why though. I mean, I had what I thought were good reasons, but the more time I have to think about it, the more I realize that I am totally lost.

    Does anyone have any kind of input for me? Please give only serious responses and not this woman hating ****e that I see most of the time.
     
  2. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Go talk to her

    If you did something for no reason, it was probably a subconscious reason or feeling. It would most likely be good for both of you to find out what it was.
     
  3. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

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    Seriously, RJ's right. Communication is gonna solve this. Also, something else to think about - are you having second thoughts because you're suddenly alone and that's weird to you, or is it because you feel like you honestly made a mistake?
     
  4. wraenking

    wraenking 1/2 ton status

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    not trying to be negative, nut ive been there. im sure you had your reasons and your feeling the guilt. i miss her stage. its tough to be on your own after that long. think of why you broke up with her in the first place, and dont make excuses why they arent good reasons. hang in there, it always gets easier
     
  5. BigOrange90Jimmy

    BigOrange90Jimmy 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    I know I probably shouldn't make all of this public, but in order to see my life, you have to know the details....

    She has been diagnosed bi-polar. She is taking meds for it and it seemed to help a good bit, but there were still some quirks.

    We are soon going to be on opposite sides of North Carolina. Neither of us can afford to travel back and forth and there's no telling how long we would be apart.

    We talked about our future. She wants to be a corporate lawyer and live in a big city. I'm a small town country boy who wants to be a State Trooper with no prospects or interest in a large city.

    I was always wanting a prospective wife to be "healthy", meaning that she wasn't turning around every other week or two with some new illness. She went to the hospital a few weeks ago for some serious stomach pains. Turns out it was only a virus of some type. She had a CAT scan done, a Colinoscopy, and some other feminine tests done to see what was wrong. To me, overkill, but nonetheless she now knows what it was.

    The biggest kicker though, was what she did two weeks ago. She cut her forearm on the TOP of her wrist "to see how it felt." At first she lied to me, saying she cut her arm on her bed at school. A viable reason, so I went along with it. Well after a week of the Band-Aid not coming off and me seeing no sign of a scab from the exposed area, I ripped the bandage off and what did I find? I found where she had carved a Japanese letter or some ****e in her arm! So not only had she lied to me, but even worse she tried to mark herself with some pointless object in an overly visible area, much to obvious for a "corporate lawyer."

    My relationship with her parents wasn't very enjoyable either. They never seem interested in me. Her dad smokes pot every day and her mom is so jacked up on prescribed medicine, she's a walking zombie. Her younger brother favors being of a different race and acts out of his class, so there's another winner.









    In all, I must agree with you wraenking. I just may be in that guilt and lonliness stage. Maybe time will tell.
     
  6. 6.2 man

    6.2 man 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    This may sound stupid ...but I think you answered your own question . Time will heal !!!Good luck !!!!
     
  7. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

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    It sounds to me like it was gonna be a train-wreck sooner or later. Granted, I'm basing that on what you've posted, but it sounds like it's probably for the best that y'all call it quits. It'll probably save a lot of heartache and trouble down the road.


    Edit: What 6.2 Man said :waytogo:
     
  8. BigOrange90Jimmy

    BigOrange90Jimmy 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    That's true, and now that I actually see it written down and can see it without thinking about everything, my reasons do make sense.

    I suppose her sobbing and sounding so heart-broken that night is what keeps me guessing. :( I just hate that I can't make everything perfect and keep all of those promises I made to her.
     
  9. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

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    It's tough, I've done it once or twice, but it sounds like it was a wise choice. Good luck, and keep your chin up.
     
  10. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    You probably shouldn't have treated her as abnormal, it would only reinforce her typeset
     
  11. big_truxx

    big_truxx 1/2 ton status

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    It looks like you made the right choice as hard as it may have been. If you try too hard to make things work when they honestly won't you will get yourself into worse trouble later on. Spoken from experience. ;) Been there, done that, had the t-shirt stolen.

    Keep your chin up and the future will shine bright once again. It is hard at first but in time it gets better to the point where you wonder why you felt so bad to begin with :waytogo:
     
  12. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    I think relationships are kinda like gambling. When everything is going well, it is great, but if you start losing, you have to take a step back, and decide whether to walk away from the table or play a few more hands. Sounds like you already played a few extra hands, so time to gather up your chips and try another table.
     
  13. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    If you were with her for 3 years, you were/are probably the most stable thing in her life, or at least perceived by her that way.

    There are really two ways you can handle it;

    - Cut your ties and move on. Being friends will probably be extremely difficult for her, and likely never let her "get over you", maybe the same for you.
    - Stay in the relationship and expect a loooooot of work making it.


    Don't stay with her because she's a comfort zone or familiarity you've developed over the last three years.

    If you love her, like you know in your heart that you do, salvage what you can and make it work, but research like crazy on her mental illness (no pun intended). She probably has more issues than bi-polar, "codependency" keeps popping into my head for some reason, but it doesn't quite fit...
    If you love her, try to recognize her needs and where she's seeking fulfillment. Can't be sure from what you wrote, but it sounds like her home life isn't too emotionally nourishing, and she'll have deficiencies you can't help her with without knowing what they are. You may not be able to help with some of her issues anyway and she'll need professional help, but being supportive will keep her self-esteem at a decent level. Just knowing when to say "That was freaking stupid of you" and when to say nothing and just take mental notes and act later or in other ways will be helpful.
    I'm not saying make her a project for reform, but if you choose to sit it out, be prepared to hit obstacles, and put in effort to make the relationship overcome these obstacles.

    If you end it, it will probably be difficult for you for a while, but you'll pretty likely adjust and be ok. How will she handle it? Who knows, every individual is unique, especially when it comes to bi-polar. She could resent you (which is likely for a short time), or be completely understanding, bi-polar is pretty tricky and individuals can be very unpredictable.


    The corporate lawyer thing is probably her ultimate image of stability and accomplishment. Whether she pursues it realistically or not, who can say, but it gives you an idea that she DOES want future stability.

    Anyway, that's my .02... Or .50 at this point...
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2005
  14. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Ditto. Time to move on. You do for your own well being first, then help those that you can, but not at the expense of your own sanity, health, financial well being, etc. Selfish? Perhaps a bit, but valid nonetheless.
     
  15. BigOrange90Jimmy

    BigOrange90Jimmy 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    I didn't think I was treating her abnormal when we were together. I tried encouraging her in everything she did, but I just got tired of pushing when she was anchored in her ways.

    newyorkin - that's a good take on things. You squared me away on that. I did see it as a familiarity and it has been rough these last couple of days. But I found the only way to combat that is to get back on in the game and flirt around with some new people. I received responses that I wasn't aware I could get. It's quite refreshing knowing that I still have "game."


    I'm just plain tired of supporting someone that it doesn't seem to help. She and her parents brings her down and I don't want to be a part of that any more.
     
  16. newyorkin

    newyorkin 1 ton status

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    :thumb: Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

    That being said, hopefully you're out having a little fun this fine friday night!
     

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