A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" ______________________________________ A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,and decided to stop for a rest.They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for$350.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists On speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous."The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"the Manager says. But we didn't go to any of those shows", complains the man again."Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says,"this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.""But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have!" ________________________________________________ This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said! the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your behind, and it won't hurt as much!"