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Just a Taste!!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by unclematty, Jan 1, 2005.

  1. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    I sit crouched waiting for just the right opportunity. That little mistake, the one that let your attention wander for just a split second!
    That's my break! I'm there with unconscionable speed and unmistakable aim. My short heavy blade finds its mark, sliding easily between your 8th and 9th rib, deeply and silently it glides to the hilt.

    Your breath now exits, wetly, out the newly formed orifice, leaving you unable to scream and paralyzed. As you fall, you watch me violently pull you partner’s windpipe from his writhing shell. The glint in my eye and the slight grin on my face, tells you, I love what I do.

    The dust hit's my face, and the dull bouncing ring fades off quickly, as I scan for where that round came from, I think almost out loud " I'm really going to hurt this one" The faint orange glow, almost too small to catch and wafting aroma of burnt cloves. AHH! Just above the window sill. "MINE" I think almost giddy with pleasure!

    I hurry away to the north, going the long way around. 2 minutes later, I again find myself peering around a corner. Absorbing all, I find the door way to my personal salvation, and I grin, almost omnipotent!
    The door all ready swung wide, I low crawl in. The damp sour smell of the wood floor seeps into my head as I drag my face across it. "****ing third world country bastards can't even afford Polyurethane" I chuckle to myself!

    II
    I find the last room on the west side. I glean this poor soul's outline, as he peers out the window. I think to myself "one dose of extreme pain and suffering, coming right up!"
    In a blast of fluidity my right hand grips tightly around his forehead, the other around his chin. In a simple strong opposing pull, the prey falls to the floor with his jaw jutting 3 inches off to his left! His rifle clutters loudly to the floor. I say quietly "time to go to work".

    A quick blow to the windpipe, and I hear nothing but low, quick, wheezing. Grabbing his head I quickly place my mouth over his left eye, get good seal and suck hard, and "POP" out it comes! Leaving the wet orb dangling! "All this thrashing around, isn't good for us!" I say. A hard, flat knuckled blow to the upper chest stops that! "Now for a hook" I think out loud.

    The sling on the rifle comes off with a little muscle. And the clasp will work nicely bending to a neat "J".
    I tie off the other end to the heavy, ancient ceiling fan hanging low in the center of the room, with the hook dangling at about 7 feet.
    "My dear friend" I whisper in his ear "You really should have stayed in bed today" as I hoist his squirming body, I hastily insert the "J" into the chasm where the soft warm orb once resided. I let his weight settle slowly “don’t want to break the strap" I spit out maliciously!

    I stand for a few seconds, admiring my work. Smirking, I jet for the door, leaving my new found friend, dangling and moaning softly.
    "All in a day's work" I think to myself, as I crouch, surveying the empty, cold street!



     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2005
  2. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

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    you have been hanging with rj way too much
     
  3. 85mudblazin

    85mudblazin 1/2 ton status

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    I agree:)
     
  4. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    Have you ever noticed that while eating peanuts, trying to pry the shells off with your fingers, 9 times out of 10 you will reduce the peanut to mere dust???:confused:
     
  5. uao85

    uao85 1/2 ton status

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    that was pretty good. Makes me think its one of those Tom Clancy books, but then again, that was way better. Keep em coming.

    Remington
     
  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Can you believe this bastard wanted to steal Stave and RJ and make them some kind of time travelling cooks?

    Anyway

    Time fo constructive criticism





    As I crouch waiting for just the right opporotunity, the little mistake, yeah, you know the one, the one you think "I might be able to pull that off, the one that you forgot to think all the way through to the conclusion.


    You didn’t really finish this sentence. What happened to the little mistake? Did it happen, did it fall on some cow poop?


    That's my break, and I'm there with unconcionable speed and unmistakable aim. My short heavy blade finds it's home, sliding easily between the 8th and 9th rib, deeply and silently it glides to the hilt.


    Uncontrollable doesn’t work with unmistakable aim very well. Finds it’s WAY home. Find’s it’s home implies it is ALWAYS between someones ribs. Sliding and gliding together are redundant. Good use of lung puncturing.


    Your breath now exits, wetly, out the the newly formed orriface, leaving you unable to scream and effectively parralized. As you fall you watch as I discreetly pull you partners windpipe from his writhing shell. the glint in my eye and the slight grin on my face, tells you I love what I do.


    Huh, what perspective are we writing from? 1st 2nd or 3rd person? When waxing poetic about death, it’s best not to truncate the idea with commas. How can you discreetly pull someone’s windpipe out? Typical character, don’t pigeonhole yourself.


    The dust hit's my face, and the dull bouncing ring fades off quickly, as I scan for where that round came from, I think almost out loud " I'm really gonna hurt this one" The faint orange glow, almost too small to catch and wafting aroma of burnt cloves. AHH! Just above the windowsill. "MINE" I think almost giddy with pleasure!


    "I'm really gonna hurt this one" Comical. “I’m going to make hi have a big owwie!” You just ripped someone’s throat out, you’re downgrading your violence. The paragraph is silly.


    I scurry away to the north, going the long way around, 2 minutes later, I again find myself peering around a corner, absorbing all, I find the door way, to my personal salvation, I grin, almost omnipotent!
    The door all ready swung wide; I crawl in low, the damp sour smell of the wood floor seeps into my head as I drag my face across it. "****ing third world country bastards can't even afford Polyurethane" I chuckle to myself!


    Big old run on sentence. You scurried and now you’re omnipotent? Who is this guy, a home depot worker? Good work trying to detail the setting, though. You think to yourself a lot. That’s also redundant.



    Last room, on the west. I glean this poor soul's outline, as he peers out the window "as if looking for something" I think patiently.
    I think to myself "one dose of extreme pain, coming right up".
    In a blast of fluidity my fingers grasp tightly around his forehead and the other around his chin, and in a simple strong opposing pull, the prey falls to the floor with his jaw jutting 3 inches off to his left! his rifle clutters loudly to the floor. I say quietly "time to go to work".


    SENTENCE FRAGMENT! You can just say, “He peers out as if looking for something” we can assume you can also appreciate this fact. If someone is peering, OF COURSE THEY’RE LOOKING! Still more thinking to yourself. Bad catchphrase. TIME FOR PAIN, SUCK JOCKEY! Hahahaha. You say fingers, and then use the term, “the other” the other what? Hand? Yeah, hand…. Strong opposing pull can only really describe one movement. Opposing maneuver would be better. “Time to go to work”? The action has already started. Either be obviously careless about it or don’t say it.


    A short blow to the windpipe, and nothing but low, quick, wheezing.
    Grabbing his head I quickly place my mouth over his left eye, get good seal and suck hard, and "POP" out it comes! leaving the wet orb dangling! "All this thrashing around isn't good for us!" I say. A hard flat knuckled blow to the upper chest stops that! "Now for a hook?" I think outloud.


    Short blow? What’s that? You mean quick? Sucking out someone’s eye is ****ing gross, really ****ing gross. You’ve crushed the guys windpipe and tore out his eye, so NOW you’re going to punch him? Weirdo.


    The sling on the rifle, comes off with a little muscle. And the clasp will work nicely bending to a neat "J".
    I tie off the other end to the heavy ancient ceiling fan in the center of the room, with the hook dangling about 7 feet.

    Unnecessary comma. Don’t start sentences with and unless you have to. You’re not continuing a thought with it so it’s worthless. Dangling about seven feet where? In the sky? On the moon? Where did you find a seven foot long sling anyway?



    "My dear friend" I whisper in his ear "You really should have stayed in bed today" as I hoist his squirmming body, I hastily insert the "J" into the chasm where the soft warm orb once resided. I let his weight settle slowly " don't want to break the strap" I spit out malicuosly!


    You have that first long sentence screwed up pretty well.



    I stand for a few seconds, admireing my work. Smirking, I jet for the door. leaving my new found friend dangling, and moaning softly.
    "All in a day's work" I think to myself, as I crouch, surveying the empty, cold street!

    How can he moan? He doesn’t have a throat.





    This was really wierd and really violent. What the hell is he doing? Why did he have to do such wierd ****?

    Also, shame on you for not turning on the fan and having it swirl his body around and around.


    It's ok, kind of wierd out of context. Too many ideas in one place and a lot of repitition.

    Don't feel bad, I love the fact anyone is trying to write something. Now go put some context in there! Big cars! Guns! Tantos!
     
  7. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    I made a few revisions, thanx to the CC. It seems to flow alittle better now. the first one was just that! A rough draft, but,its fixed now!:D
    I really hate fixing stuff cuz most times you loose the original feel but I did good this time!
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2005
  8. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Hahahahahaha you broke fiction!
     
  9. camiswelding

    camiswelding 1/2 ton status

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    I respectfully recommend a vegetarian diet, yoga, and keeping your day job
     
  10. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Damn dirty hippies :D
     
  11. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    Die unbelievers!!!
     
  12. Cricket

    Cricket 3/4 ton status

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    Unclematty = Born To Kill
     
  13. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    ...........not to care, do just as we say, finish him..........
     
  14. Drey

    Drey 3/4 ton status

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    Hey RJ entence fragment is a sentence fragment:grin: .
     
  15. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    I'm not writing proper fiction, I'm rambling.
     

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