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Kiss Hank's....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by sled_dog, May 11, 2005.

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  1. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    oldy but after the other discussion, why not.

     
  2. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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    :dunno: where are we going with this.?? :)
     
  3. txfiremank5

    txfiremank5 1/2 ton status

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    :surepal: I love that story.
     
  4. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    I'll leave it for the people like minded to myself.
     
  5. boggerless

    boggerless 1 ton status Premium Member

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  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Kid of low brow, but decently pointed
     
  7. txfiremank5

    txfiremank5 1/2 ton status

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    Let's complete the story, shall we..

    This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
    found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

    The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

    Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

    John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the **** out of you."

    Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

    John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town.
    He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

    Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

    Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

    Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

    John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

    Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

    Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

    Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

    John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

    Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

    Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the **** out of you."

    Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the
    million dollars?"

    John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

    Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

    John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

    Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

    Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get
    a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty
    dollar bill on the street."

    Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?

    John: "Hank has certain connections.'"

    Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

    John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the **** of you."

    Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight
    from him..."

    Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

    Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

    John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

    Me: "Who's Karl?"

    Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
    Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

    Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
    that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

    John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself." John handed me a photocopy of a hand-written memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

    1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
    2. Use alcohol in moderation.
    3. Kick the **** out of people who aren't like you.
    4. Eat right.
    5. Hank dictated this list himself.
    6. The moon is made of green cheese.
    7. Everything Hank says is right.
    8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
    9. Don't drink.
    10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
    11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the **** out of you.

    Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

    Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

    Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

    John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

    Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

    Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

    Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
    philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they're
    different?"

    Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

    Me: "How do you figure that?"

    Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough
    for me!"

    Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

    John: "No way! Item 5 says Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
    item 2 says Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says Eat right,' and item
    8 says Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those
    things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

    Me: "But 9 says Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6
    says The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
    John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As
    far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

    Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
    rock..."

    Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out
    of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

    Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came
    from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock
    came from doesn't make it cheese."

    John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
    Hank is always right!"

    Me: "We do?"

    Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

    Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list
    is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it
    because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying
    Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

    John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
    around to Hank's way of thinking."

    Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

    Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's
    way. Anything else is wrong."

    Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

    John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

    Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

    Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such
    language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

    Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would
    be out of the question?"

    Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la
    la, la la, la la la."

    John : "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
    that..."

    Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

    Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those
    I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you I'll
    be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you,
    you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

    With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


    The rest of the story...

    Several weeks after his run in with John & Mary, Me, found out he was being cut from his current job. More weeks passed, and Me had no luck finding a good paying job in his area. Finally, against his will, he was forced to move out of town, out of state in fact. Somewhere along the way, at a roadside cafe, Me, being road weary, made a rude reply to a man outside a public restroom... and got the **** kicked out of him. Once in his new town. Me went to the place that had promised him a job. After the interview process.. it soon passed that he was hired by the company. Me was very happy about this. Now he could get into a new house, and out of the temp. living situation down at the sleezy hotel. However, it was not meant to be. Me, found out rather quickly that he had been lied to. The pay was nowhere near what he was promised. Me's life was a total wreck ... nothing was going the way he had hoped it would, and everything he had based his judgement on seemed to be falling through. His boss was rude, and didn't care about Me or his family's well being. Me soon began drinking to ease the pain of his rotten choice. One night in a bar.. Me got the **** kicked out of him... good and proper. Getting the **** kicked out of him became a regular occurance for Me. Dispondent, he pleaded with is boss for a raise... something to make his life a bit more tolerable.. but he was informed by his boss, that there would be no raise. In fact, if Me wanted to stay on with the company, he would have to agree to a pay cut, and a demotion. Me informed his boss of all his promises that now seemed like empty lies.. "yeah, I lied to you.. so what" was the boss' reply. "I have you here, and that's really all that matters. You can't leave, and I can kick you around all I want". Me was at a loss.. he knew the boss was right. He was trapped there, with nowhere to go. If you could have seen the look on Me's face when the boss said that, you would have truely felt for him. But, it was nothing compared to what came next. "You see... in this town.. I own everything, I'm king here".. he said. "You don't work for Hank", said the Boss. What, Hank.. what did the Boss know about Hank? "Oh yes, Hanks a real guy, alright" said the Boss. "What about the million dollars" asked Me.. "surely that's not true..". "Oh, it's true.. " said the Boss, "but it won't do you any good." "It's too late for you." "Now.. get over here and suck my ****".
     
  8. sled_dog

    sled_dog 1 ton status

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    All non religious people have horrible meaningless lives right? :surepal:
     
  9. txfiremank5

    txfiremank5 1/2 ton status

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    Hmm.. never said that. But, if you're going to tell a story about "hank" it's not complete with the "bossman" or whatever name you give 'em. Right?

    After all, if you don't believe in either, then it's really no biggy.

    But if someone believes in one, then they are likely to believe in the other, and that part of the story is lacking.

    So, the story does not pertain to those who don't believe.. however, if it makes you feel better thinking you've been violated by a christain, once again.. then be my guest to think so. :p:
     
  10. justhorsinaround

    justhorsinaround 3/4 ton status

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    Gosh and I thought the whole point of the story was to conform to accepted society or be ostracized whether you like the social morays/constraints or not.

    Where exactly did religion creep into it?
     
  11. Can Can

    Can Can Pusher Man Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Alan asked me to lock this one because he doesn't like where it's going. I don't either- 2 in 2 days is plenty, don't you think?????? If you guys can't debate without "rolleyes" smileys and condescending atitudes then I'm going to be recommending 3-day vacations for SOME of you.......

    Please don't force me to lock another religious thread. If it starts again, I'm gonna let Steve handle it.......
     
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