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Lawyer jokes-Know any good ones?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by wasted wages, Jul 28, 2005.

  1. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    My wife is a lawyer,and I think she's heard all of them but once in a while someone comes up with a good one,heres the latest,,

    If you know any post em'




    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
    city's most successful lawyer.

    So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
    though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
    penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
    community through the United Way?"
    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
    show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
    huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
    confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
    children."
    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
    again.
    "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
    a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
    children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
    requiring an array of private tutors?"
    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had,
    no idea"
    And the lawyer says,
    So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think
    I'd ever give any to you?"
     
  2. Hustler

    Hustler 1/2 ton status

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    Not really jokes, but still funny.

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of
    staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
    something you forgot?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
    which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
    he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
    ________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
    8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
    performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
    to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
    was doing an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    whenyou began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and practicing law.
     
  3. Skigirl

    Skigirl 1/2 ton status

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    What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? .... A good start.
     
  4. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

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    I am sitting at work with people staring at me because I am laughing so hard. I am ACTUALLY laughing out loud. :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
    Funny funny quotes
     
  5. Kiwi John

    Kiwi John 1/2 ton status

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    End of the day here and that has just set me up nicely for a few beers!
    I too, am laughing out loud but there is nobody to hear me. :rotfl:
     
  6. bigcountryk5

    bigcountryk5 1/2 ton status

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    Hustler those are freakin hilarious there is no way i wouldn't have laughed my butt off right there in court had i been there to hear those :haha:
     
  7. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

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    E-town baby!
  8. 8_YOUR_H2

    8_YOUR_H2 1/2 ton status

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    I was called up for federal jury duty and when the defense attorney was screening the possible jurors he said " Now, I am not trying to be sneaky when I ask this but"..

    That alone was the funniest thing I have ever heard. I defense attorney who was not trying to be sneaky. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
     
  9. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?




















    The hooker quits when you die.
     
  10. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    Another one

    What are the 5 most common words spoken to a ( insert a member of your favorite ethnic group here ) in a suit and tie ?











    Will the defendant please rise.
     
  11. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

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    99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name...
     

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