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Letter to a bank from a 96 year old woman

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by thatK30guy, Sep 6, 2005.

  1. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Subject: Letter to a bank from a 96 year old woman
    >> >>
    >> >>The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96
    >>year-old
    >> >>woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
    >> published
    >
    >>in
    >> >>the New York Times.
    >> >>-------------------------------------------------------
    >> >>To whom it may concern,
    >> >>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
    >>endeavored to
    >> >>pay my plumber last month.
    >> >>By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
    his
    >> >>depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
    >> needed
    >
    >>to
    >> >>honor it.
    >> >>
    >> >>I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds
    from
    >> my
    >> >>modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been
    in
    >>place
    >> >>for only thirty-one years.
    >> >>
    >> >>You are to be commended for seizing that! brief window of
    >> opportunity,
    >
    >>and
    >> >>also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
    >>inconvenience
    >> >>caused to your bank.
    >> >>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
    has
    >>caused
    >> >>me to rethink my errant financial ways.
    >> >>I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
    calls
    >> and
    >> >>letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
    >> impersonal,
    >> >>overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has
    >>recently
    >> >>become.
    >> >>
    >> >>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
    flesh-and-blood
    >> >>person.
    >> >>My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
    >> longer
    >
    >>be
    >> >>automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
    >>personally
    >> >>and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
    >> nominate.
    >> >>Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any o!
    ther
    >>person
    >> >>to open such an envelope.
    >> >>
    >> >>Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I
    >>require
    >> >>your chosen employee to complete.
    >> >>I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
    much
    >>about
    >> >>him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
    >> >>Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
    be
    >> >>countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
    >> his/her
    >> >>financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must
    be
    >> >>accompanied by documented proof.
    >> >>
    >> >>In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
    which
    >>he/she
    >> >>must quote in dealings with me.
    >> >>I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
    have
    >> >>modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
    access
    >> my
    >> >>account balance on your phone bank service.
    >> >>As they say,imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
    >> >>
    >> >>Please allow me to level the playing field even further.
    >> >>When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new
    voice
    >>mail
    >> >>system to choose from.
    >> >>Please press the buttons as follows:
    >> >>Press 1 To make an appointment to see me.
    >> >>Press 2 To query a missing payment.
    >> >>Press 3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
    there.
    >> >>Press 4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
    sleeping.
    >> >>Press 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
    attending to
    >> >>nature.
    >> >>Press 6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
    home.
    >> >>Press 7 To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
    my
    >> >>computer is required.
    >> >>--Password will be communicated to you at a later date! to the
    >>Authorized
    >> >>Contact.
    >> >>Press 8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
    >> through
    >
    >>7.
    >> >>Press 9 To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
    will
    >> then
    >
    >>be
    >> >>put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
    service.
    >> >>-- While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, up
    lifting
    >>music
    >> >>will play for the duration of the call.
    >> >>
    >> >>Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
    an
    >> >>establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
    >>arrangement.
    >> >>Please credit my account after each occasion.
    >> >>May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
    >> Year.
    >> >>
    >> >>Your Humble Client,
    >> >>
    >> >>Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
     
  2. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

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  3. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Awww man! Had to put a damper on this one. It was fun to read though.
     

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