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Life's little groin kicks....

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Desert Rat, May 14, 2006.

  1. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    OK, a short tale of woe for your amusement. Now, this story isn't going to be as horrific as some have gone through (ChevyFumes genital wool abrasions come to mind, as does Timmay's erectile dysfunction) but it was interesting. My little adventure began at zero dark thirty on Thursday morning. About 12:30 A.M., I sit bolt upright in bed. My chest is in pain, I have stabbing pains down my left arm, I've got the cold sweats, and I can't seem to catch a breath. No matter how hard I breath, it seems like I can't get enough oxygen. Downstairs I go and jump on the Internet. I Google "heart attack symptoms" and sure enough, I'm the poster child. So, I'm in a quandary. What if it is just acid indigestion? What if I am just being paranoid? What if I drop dead alone in my office wearing nothing but my Spiderman underoos? I wake up the missus and tell her I think we may need to take a trip to the hospital.

    Now, the missus is a bit concerned, and asks if we should wake and take the chillins. Hmmm, another decision. Wake up the kids and have them groggy all day, perhaps missing school just because Dad is a nervous Nelly? Or, never see them again unless Satan allows me to slip back for some quick peeks now and again. I opt for kissing them in their sleep and hope I'll have the chance to do it again. Off to the hospital. I describe my symptoms to the intake nurse and before you know it, I am on an EKG machine, giving about 50 blood samples, and they are waking up the priest. The missus is actually starting to think for once I'm not a lying sack of ****. Well, after about an hour of tests, they think my heart is OK and I won't be dying immediately, but it might be a gallbladder thing. Or, it could be an acid reflux thing. Either way, I'm admitted to the hospital. After the wife sees that all the nurses are about 3 ft. tall and 3 ft wide, Filipino, and all have wedding rings, she opts to go home and get some sleep.

    Fast forward a day later and I've had more EKG's, echo EKG's, heart ultrasound, and my body has got to be devoid of any blood from all the samples. My doc shows up (you know my doc, Dr. Vinny BoomBah) and tells me after I am released low salt and low fat diet along with another appointment for more tests. This sucks and I swear I'll adhere to that just as soon as I finish the double cheeseburger I'm eating right now. Well, finally they let me go (without even a sponge bath from the nurses) and I go home to rest. Sleep all Thursday afternoon and a lot of Friday. I wake up and you know what? I have a million projects to do and daylight is a burning.

    So, out to the backyard I go to finish tearing down my deck and cover in preparation for a pool we are having done. I'm up on a tall ladder cutting off the 2x8 beams for the overhead. Once again life decides to slip up on me and give me a wedgie. The beam I'm cutting decides not to go the way I had planned, and comes my way. I'm quick, but the beam is quicker and it catches me a glancing blow on my forehead. Next thing you know I'm airborne off the ladder headed for the dirt below. Life not wanting to be too sadistic, allowed me to miss the concrete piers but provided lots of small pointy rocks to land on. On the bright side, after about 15 min. of sunbathing coupled with every dirty word I could conj our up, I crawl back up the ladder and finish the job.

    None of this matters though because on Saturday night, Mom and Dad, the in-laws, and the family are going to Crazy Buffet to celebrate Mom's Day. Crazy Buffet, with the all you can eat crab legs and shrimp. Crazy Buffet that nearly has to file Chapter 11 every time I go there. So, we are all at the buffet and I have filled my plate to the height of the Empire State Building with crab. The first leg I pick up promptly empties about a quart of boiling hot water out of the end of it right into my crotch. I nearly scream like a little girl but opt to swear into my napkin for fear of precipitating a fainting spell from very religious Mom. I limp to the bathroom, which of course is on the far side of the restaurant, enduring the stares of everyone as they see my dinner plate size stain on the left crotch of my short ( I dress left to just to add insult to injury). I dab up what I can in the bathroom and head back determined to personally drain the walk in refrigerator if this fine establishment.

    Now it is Sunday, today, and I need to get working on the Blazer. I've done some fabbing on the crossmember I got from Kid Jethro and it needs to go in. As I am cranking away on the ratchet tightening up the bolts I get the first one snugged down good. Not content with "snug", I lean back to give it that extra ooomph just for good measure. Sure enough, the ratchet slips off the nut and like a missile I bury the end of it, along with the socket, into my face. I managed to hit my lower lip, upper lip, and teeth all at once. My face starts spraying blood like a Monty Python movie (tis but a scratch). I bend over and watch a red Niagara Falls make a lovely contrasting picture on the white cement. Before I bleed out from the Rain Bird blood sprinkler that is my lower lip, I make it to the sink. After stemming the red tide, I stumble into the house. The wife looks at me, rolls her eyes, and asks "should I get the keys to the car again?". You know, if I hear one more time about how my life insurance policy is inadequate...........

    Well, I am sitting here now with a big ice bag on my face trying to chew little torn off chunks of low fat, low salt double cheeseburger and after writing this I have come to the silver lining in the cloud.
























    At least I'm not R77K10......so I got that going for me..............which is nice...............
     
  2. mxfireman

    mxfireman 1/2 ton status

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  3. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    a wise man once told me, "life is like a sh!t sandwich, some days you just have to take a bite."
     
  4. tRustyK5

    tRustyK5 Big meanie Staff Member Super Moderator GMOTM Winner Author

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    So, hows the ticker? Aside from the fact that was about the funniest thing I've read in a while I sincerely hope you're not about to keel over...:eek1:


    Rene
     
  5. spongeidys

    spongeidys 1/2 ton status

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    sounds like one hell of a bad week
     
  6. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Gotta go and get a gall bladder test. Seems the heart is strong though. Getting old sucks...........
     
  7. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    :bow: Yep. hang in there old top...:D
     
  8. smalltruckbigcid

    smalltruckbigcid 1/2 ton status

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    :haha::haha::haha:If its the gallbladder it means no more peperoni pizza for you......
    George
     
  9. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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    And here I thought I was bad with my heat index testing of my Mechanix gloves today, while they were on my hands...........................:D :D :D

    About all I can say is several little things to get the old blood running smooth again.............................

    You in a Crown Vic.

    Bad guy in a mid-80's primered cruiser thingy.

    The 680.

    And 3 in the f'n morning..........................

    :D :D :D
     
  10. mxfireman

    mxfireman 1/2 ton status

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    I was laughing at this
    I apologize if anyone felt I was laughing at Desertrats misfortune, that was not my intent.
     
  11. surpip

    surpip 1 ton status

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    thats what i was gonna say, nice long high speed chase on a emty highway late at night
    goos times:)

    hope you are all good man
     
  12. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Ah, I remember the old days of the St. Regis and the Diplomat. So slow you had to flip the air cleaner lid over just to get them to breathe. Top end, 125 going dowhill with a tailwind......and no brakes after the first couple of hard two feet on the pedal power slides around corners........ I had a low fat low salt Tres Marias enchilada plate just now at one of the local restaurants. I know, I have a death wish........ I guess I should make an appointment for that gallbladder ultrasound. I think I'm trying to get in some good eating before the doctor really gets serious with prescribing lots of restrictions. Oh, and my lips/face got a rousing laugh from all my co-workers. Payback is a bitch........... Thanks for the well wishes....

    Oh, and Bubba, "Dispatch copy D.O.T.? Dispatch? Dispatch? Oh well, guess we are out of range. Looks like it's just me and Smokey the Bandit here............"
     
  13. shewheeler

    shewheeler 1/2 ton status

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    Pics???? :D

    Sorry to hear about your mishaps, but thanks for the laughs. Nice to hear from someone who has a sense of humor about their troubles.

    Good luck with the gall bladder thingy... hope everything works out for ya :)
     
  14. Cricket

    Cricket 3/4 ton status

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    Don't die D-rat.

    I sure would miss your humor. Let me know if I can donate a kidney.

    Get Better!
     
  15. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Great story....................please stay on your side of the country............:haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  16. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

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    Great story, I hope your OK.
     
  17. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    I'm way too young to die (I hope) but I may have to modify my horrendous diet after all these years. CamsK5 don't get a woody when you read that. I needed some motivation to lose a few lbs. that I gained after my boo boo on the motorscoot last July anyways. You know, work was kind of like the Lounge lately. Everybody came by and took a good shot at the guy while he was down. Fortunately, the target knew it was in good humor (while keeping a list of future victims). It's almost time for bed. Hope I can make it up the stairs without tripping........:D Again, thanks for the words of encouragement. Hopefully someday when the prostate goes, the synpathy will remain the same........:haha: Now where did I put that Grecian formula? Oh yea, in the hospital they gave me nitro-glycerin. First they asked if I was using Viagra. My wife asked if they could prescribe anti-Viagra instead. She said that with me in the hospital she could finally get some sleep..... At least some things are still working :woot:

    Oh, and no pics for you young lady.....I've seen the photochop victims. Of course at this point, people would assume they already had been tampered with......
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2006
  18. justhorsinaround

    justhorsinaround 3/4 ton status

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    :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:

    Goddnes gracious me!! With the exception of the whole hospital ticker thing that was really funny. I haven't sailed off the top of a ladder on to my back (yet) but I did manage to fall about thirty feet onto a rock landing on my back and live to tell about it.

    Please do try to do nothing for like a week and let everything heal for a bit.
     
  19. midnitewarya

    midnitewarya Sounds like a problem for future me. Premium Member

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    Quite a knack for storytelling you have there. That had me leaning over in pain.

    Laughs aside, I hope all goes well for you. My dads gall bladder went a few years ago and it had to come out. He would have the same late night attacks that feel like heart attacks. After his operation, hes been doing lots better. He can eat whatever he wants and cant put on a pound. So if it is the ol gall bladder, at least it has some ups.

    As far as the wood beam to the face and masticating a socket wrench, thats still pretty funny.

    :haha::bow::haha::bow:
     
  20. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Holy Jenny Craig!! You just made my day............. I may have to take it out myself with a Leatherman tool and a Buck knife.........
     

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