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Little Johnny

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by wasted wages, Jun 2, 2006.

  1. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
    Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
    "Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
    "Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'F*ck!', the dog ate him!"
     
  2. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    :haha: :haha: :haha:

    Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

    Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

    A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
     
  3. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
    "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
    "Excellent, Michael!"
    Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just ****ing beautiful!
     
  4. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
    "Why?" asks the father.
    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
    "But that's right!"
    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
    "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
    "That's what I said!"
     
  5. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-f*cka!!"
     
  6. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
     
  7. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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    A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
     
  8. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
    Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?" "My goldfish died", replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" As Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
     
  9. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"
    Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything." That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?" Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, "That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call a PERFECT penis!" Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"
     
  10. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

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  11. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Little Johnny wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents` room.
    Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!
     
  12. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    I like these even better:

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
    Rocky

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
    Bud

    What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
    Sparky

    What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
    Wet

    What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
    Curt n' Rod

    What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
    Bernie

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
    Doug

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
    Douglas

    What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
    Dick

    What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
    First base

    What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
    Stu

    What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
    Barb

    What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
    Tab

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
    Mike

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
    Jack

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
    Art

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
    Matt

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
    Bill

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
    Skip

    What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
    Sandy

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
    Phil

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
    Rob

    What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
    Eileen

    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
    Tipper

    What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
    Dusty

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
    Mark

    What do you call a fly with no wings?
    A walk

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
    Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
    Homer

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
    Frank

    What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
    Patty

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
    Russell

     
  13. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Nice.:haha: :haha: :haha:
     
  14. dremu

    dremu Officious Thread Derailer Premium Member

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    Pretty soon we're gonna be into the Helen Keller jokes, or the Christa McCauliff jokes.

    (You know, "move the furniture" or "so she can moan with the other" ... "Blue: one blew over here, one blew over there" or "What the hell, let the woman drive", etc.)

    -- A
     
  15. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    Hey Dremu, I need electrical help..................do you think your new squeeze would take her hands off you long enough to come over some weekend and help an old guy out?
     

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