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Long Strides: Revised 1/29

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by TSGB, Jan 21, 2006.

  1. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    . He pressed his eye against the scope, only to pull back. That was a painful lesson that only needed to be learned once- the scar of a partial ring still perforated his eyebrow. Struggling to relax and place the shaky reticule over the target downrange, he muttered to help focus. “1,472 meters, with a slight northerly cross wind.” Remember, plenty of time. The sun hazed over the dark grey steel barrel, heated the black of the scope to scorching, and drew sweat from the pores of the shooter. As the ads said, the gun had plenty of “reach out and touch someone.” The Barrett M82A1, a .50 caliber pea-shooter, was far more than necessary for the task at hand- but you can’t argue with the giggle factor. You wouldn’t want to argue at all. At just under five feet in length, the sniper rifle held immense destructive potential. More, even, than a digested bowl of chili.
    . Comfortable in his situation again, our long distance operator centers his sights on the upper-right portion of the target. Bobbing up and around, it was no simple shot. After a moment, the trigger is brought to the point of balance: precisely 6.24 pounds of pressure. Forced to action, the internal assembly of the gun brings the firing pin against the primer of the cartridge locked in the chamber. The recoil jars several droplets of sweat loose from Rack’s brow. The bullet reaches it’s destination before the sweat hits the stock of the gun. Gracefully rending the atmosphere at more than 2,400 feet per second, and turning one simple pirouette every 15 inches, the round over-penetrates the target and dances merrily west. The target (lacking much in grace), twitches in mid-stride. A fine red mist, interrupted by bits of bone and strings of flesh, strive to hold on to the brief encounter with their high-speed encounter, and distribute themselves with an organization rivaling that of FEMA. Collapsed in a mass of quivering flesh, the body will continue to sweat for a short time before the power cuts out completely. Rack was happy. Won’t have to check the pulse on that one. He felt like a winner- as if he had been the first person to fill up the clown with water at the fair.
    . The drug lord, What’s-His-Name, had been a slow runner. That may have had something to do with the lack of shoes (and all his other clothes save pants), and the torn ground that was drier than Granny Rack’s bunions. Stretching out, the shooter rolls over, and watches the buzzards circling over head. He despised birds- so mindless. Some were already on the way over to investigate the freshest buffet in the desert. His reflections turned to the last couple weeks. Disney World had made him soft. Four entire days with no PT had left him feeling like he had been continuously eating donuts for the past two years. Being approached with this job was a welcome comeback. Forward, it was going to be a long drive back across the border, north to Oklahoma, South Dakota, then up to Alberta. Some training in the mountains would be good. Cool, thin air, boots pounding, breath rasping, rifle swaying, pack bouncing…
    . Mentally Rack catalogued his gear. The classic Alice pack complete with frame. Ten knives: diver’s knife in the left boot, throwing knives in the right boot, pig sticker on the right thigh, push knife in the belt buckle, two trench knives on the back of his belt, and combat knives under each armpit. .50 Magnum Desert Eagle tucked in his pack frame with three extra clips, three extra clips for the Barrett, C-4; various sizes with assorted detonators, MRE’s and water for two days, a small bag of marbles, and extra socks.
    . After a while, when no buzzards were left floating in the blue-white sky, Rack sat up and eyeballed the horizon. According to a contact he had in the air force, who was lucky enough to have some “leisure” stick time over the area, there was no habitation for 43 miles, and no active roads for almost 44. He smiled. Time to dig a hole.
    Shouldering his pack and slinging his cannon, Rack starts hiking out to the sloppy pile of bird food. The sun blazed down with all the wrath of the ancient god Ra, the broken earth jutted skyward in defiance, while our champion strode between, contemplating the day’s plan. Corpse disposal, hiking back to the truck, cruising up across the border, sleep at a cheap hotel he and a friend own… Time passes, the sun crawls, and the earth burns. Buzzards scatter at Rack’s approach. Thumping his pack into the dust, he starts rooting through it. Another smile breaks his face.
    . Standing with a half-brick of home-cooked C-4, chuckles mingle with the cries of the birds. Oh, and how he hated birds…
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2006
  2. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    I expect accolades this time, damnit! :haha:

    And yes, constructive criticism as well.


    More to come.
     
  3. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    I cant take the monitor to the "Library" with me though???
     
  4. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    get a laptop and a tv tray.
     
  5. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    I love it! watch out though, I think the exposition fairy will be around to whallop you over the head here shortly. Please continue... Maybe you and I should work something up together?
     
  6. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Oh too busy for RJ huh!?

    Pretty good, TSBG, a little stock standard violent gut eh....
     
  7. Inu-Hanyou1776

    Inu-Hanyou1776 1/2 ton status

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    Very nice and descriptive! I commend you. TSGB, you think you'd like to read and critique my stories, even if they are fanfiction?
     
  8. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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    I'm always willing even for you RJ I just need to find everfleeting time.
     
  9. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    That depends. How do you feel about your parent's possible divorce? :deal:



    Everyone else- What do I need to work on? Tear it down!
     
  10. unclematty

    unclematty 1/2 ton status

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  11. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Ok, I'll go through it now for you. I'm no english teacher or any such thing but I kind of know what I'm doing.

    You need to either explain or leave that out. Even I don't know what you meant by "lesson learned". If he is expert enough to calculate the distance and wind, he shouldn't have to learn lessosn by now. It's like saying some guy was doing spot on Mozambique drills and then he can;t figure out how to reload.

    This is a bit confusing to me, are you trying to go for the crazy ex marine guy? If he's a stone cold guy, he wouldn't be so affectionate with the thing. It's mixing up descriptives. I think it would work better in two sentances too. The descriptives are odd too, what's lovely, the steel, or the long gun? Long gun is a bit archaic too. You could throw a few more descripives in too, to flesh out what the gun is.

    "The heavy steel rifle, lovely in it's prescision, had plenty of that "reach out and touch someone quality" as the ads quaintly put it"

    I think, ususually, you wouldn't mix technical and emotionally aesthetic terms here. You could, but not all at once. You could seperate the terms.

    "The Barrett M82AI, .50 caliber, used for hard target interdiction. More than neccesary for what was needed really, but the giggle factor, for him was priceless."

    Interdiction is a clumsy word, I had to look it up. "Overkill" would fit better than "giggle" It's like saying "The raw horsepower of the 540 churning through the drivetrain into the street made John feel silly and rambunctious. Nuh? The colst steel in Mark's hand made him feel like dancing the night away. Huh?

    The first part is a bit too fast. When he pulls the trigger, you make it sound like he put exactly the right amount of pressure on it. You should descripe the pressure as an aspect of the trigger only, I feel.

    "He slowly squeezed the trigger. At 6.24 pounds, the firing pin was released, sending....."



    While technically being ok, you should prbably add an "with" for the pirouette instead of an "and". Too many ands too, a comma would do.

    "our round overpenetrates the target, continuing merrily west"

    You use "our" which really screws with what perspective you're telling the story from..


    Again, the mood is wierd with all your crazy speak about the gun and it's rounds. You could give the bullet an aspect of "merry" in a non confrontational scene, if the guy is completely nuts (which is hard because you have to take on, as the omnipresent narrator, a crazy nuts attitude), or in a bitter, ironic way. Rather, sarcastic, maybe.

    Again, rather creepy assosciations here. As the narrator you;re taking on a biased viewpoint. You're building yourself an insane character, not a hero. Mayeb that;s what you're going for, but few people like to root for the crazy guy, even if he's going right. You could fix it by attributing all the descriptions to the characters thoughts, and not just factual narration. It's treading a wierd second-person view here. As a third person narrator, you have to be completely unbiased uncaring and factual. Let the characters add the emotion and like and dislike. First person? Go ahead, the character's saying EVERYTHING.

    WTF? If you know he's a drug lord, and you know enough about that to kill him, you should have a name, or at least give a reason for discarding it. If you made this all the characters thought though, it'd be fine. I mean, as it is, you;re saying all grandmas apparently have dry bunions. Gwah?

    See this is pretty good because you;re giving the perception that this is what Rack is thinking. WTF though on disney world. It is nice in the way it subtely give background info, giving the notion that he's and ex soldier from somehwere.

    You didn't give an indication of how much time went by. "When no more buzzards...." I think sat works better than sits here. I'm not sure why. Something about the way the first sentence is.

    Pretty good, but it needs some commas. "According to a contact he had, who was lucky enough to have had some liesure stick time over the are, there was no habitation....."

    "He smiled" changes the next words to mean they are coming from Rack. Good work there. Nice to end a long sentance with some stuccato ones too.

    Cannon is odd, you have to pick wether you're going to be techinical or not. You can do this if it's directly next to a literal term and you don't want to be repetitive.

    "RJ's 1911 kicked hard, shaking the aim enough to make every bullet but the first hit a non critical. The cannon was powerful, but it had it's drawbacks."

    Same thing with the bird food, you should say "the bird food he had just provided" to make it clear that this isn't some other pile of bird food he;s just gonna go play in now because he's a nutter.

    You;re mixing up.... (tenses?) here. Blazed/jutting. It should be blazed/jutted, or blazing/jutting. I think -ing works better because then it doesn;t sound like a bunch of run together sentences.

    You ended great because then it moves onto biased though and what you did makes it seem like the character is thinking or feeling that way.

    This is great except saying "Rack's" or "his" is clearer that "the man's", because it's easy to assume that it's a new character.

    Couple things here. If he has a $2000 rifle and military training, why does he need home made C4? It's good if you're setting him up to be a nutter, but maybe not.

    It would be an awesome chapter ender if you had added the "He hated" line before the birds before, or even anything else. Repeating a key phrase makes the audience pay attention.


    **** THAT TOOK FOREVER

    Thank you and goodnight
     
  12. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    I made some changes.
     

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