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Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Muddytazz, Apr 20, 2003.

  1. Muddytazz

    Muddytazz 1 ton status

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    Martha Stewart\'s Tips For Rednecks

    > 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    >
    > 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    >
    > 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
    >
    > 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
    > sheets.
    >
    > 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
    > is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
    >
    >
    > DINING OUT
    >
    > 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,
    > and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
    >
    > 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
    > fingers covering the label.
    >
    >
    > ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
    >
    > 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
    > by a taxidermist.
    >
    > 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how
    > good his manners are.
    >
    >
    > PERSONAL HYGIENE
    >
    > 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
    > should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    >
    > 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
    > days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
    > money.
    >
    > 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
    > they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
    > of finger foods.
    >
    >
    > DATING (Outside the Family)
    >
    > 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
    > date.
    >
    > 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
    > wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
    > bathroom wall two years ago."
    >
    > 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
    > Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter
    > is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
    > school on time.
    >
    >
    > THEATER ETIQUETTE
    >
    > 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
    > immediately after the movie has ended.
    >
    > 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
    > proven they can't hear you.
    >
    >
    > WEDDINGS
    >
    > 1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    >
    > 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    >
    > 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
    > cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    >
    > 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
    > special occasion.
    >
    >
    > DRIVING ETIQUETTE
    >
    > 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun
    > is loaded and the deer is in sight.
    >
    > 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
    > tires always has the right of way.
    >
    > 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    >
    > 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
    > impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
    >
    > 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
     
  2. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

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    Re: Martha Stewart\'s Tips For Rednecks

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