Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

MREs

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by akbound, Feb 18, 2005.

  1. akbound

    akbound 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2004
    Posts:
    189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Antonio
    I though this was pretty funny ... it's a little long but worth it.

    Only those who've spent time in uniform will get it.

    I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
    girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

    After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
    settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

    I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that
    when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

    I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
    of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of
    dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the
    Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive
    oil.

    In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
    to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some
    spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in
    the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

    When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
    of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like
    Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans
    (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

    For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
    of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
    stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
    sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

    Voila--Ranger Pudding.
    For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
    (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
    $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -
    Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie
    kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've
    been leftover sand from Egypt).

    I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
    table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is
    EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the
    alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

    She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
    spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
    food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

    We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

    At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
    delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
    yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

    Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
    restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
    and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

    Let the games begin.
    She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
    scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this
    time with an obvious pained look.

    After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
    bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG
    with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
    This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
    employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

    Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
    instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
    kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
    ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

    I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
    that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
    She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
    sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
    believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and
    she finally settled down and relaxed.

    Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
    enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
    the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

    After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army
    food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate
    9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I
    concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

    She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't sh*t for 3 days, and when she
    finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
    hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
    caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
    unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

    It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was
    the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
    upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
    the couch.

    I know, I'm an a$$hole, but it was still a funny night.
     
  2. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    May 7, 2004
    Posts:
    9,070
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hickory, N.C.
    Hee hee!:haha:
     
  3. Stickseler

    Stickseler 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2001
    Posts:
    6,503
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Northern Virginia
    Thats great.

    I use to take all my guys spaghetti and we would make a big pot of it all spiced up and have a squad dinner around a burning log. Even made our gunny a birthday cake once from all the cookies from a few cases.
     
  4. wraenking

    wraenking 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2003
    Posts:
    1,493
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toms River, NJ
    hmmmm. i have 5 cases in my garage. maybe ill try ot. lol


    great story man!!
     
  5. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2000
    Posts:
    4,389
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    Good story!

    I think all the good MRE stories have some variation on the above-quoted theme..........
     
  6. big_truxx

    big_truxx 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2004
    Posts:
    2,272
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canaan, Maine
    :haha::haha::haha:haha: I had to laugh loudly and it took me forever to read this in the ed center here at ft campbell. good story. I'm sure people now think I have issues I laughed so hard and so long here :D :waytogo:
     
  7. 79Beast

    79Beast 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2001
    Posts:
    1,155
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    Good story. And to think that I've eaten at least one a day since September. Good thing we're going home in a few months.
     
  8. BurbLover

    BurbLover 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2001
    Posts:
    3,060
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SW Missouri
    Years ago I sent my parents two MRE's for their aniversay with a note that said "Dinner's on me."

    My mom loved them. Don't remember what types I sent. I don't think my dad ever ate any as he said he'd had enough c-rats in the USMC to last a lifetime.

    GREAT STORY!!!!!!! See, girls farts too!!
     
  9. BrianDamage

    BrianDamage 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 14, 2001
    Posts:
    753
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama
    pretty funny


    I just threw out 2 cases of Vietnam era C-rations...the cans were leaking, so it was "time to go".

    I remember whenI was a kid and dad was in the Army...it was fun to eat c-rations, and later the MRE's when they came out.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2005
  10. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2004
    Posts:
    3,180
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KC Missouri
    Very Very funny:)
     
  11. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2004
    Posts:
    838
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Newnan GA
    But she like the mres for diner i don't know how you must be a great cook!:bow: :bow: They are only good when staring to death. need smiley barfing.:haha:
     
  12. azblazer

    azblazer 1/2 ton status Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2003
    Posts:
    695
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Grand Junction, Co.
    Dude last drill my motor sgt. gave that email to me...funny as hell man!


    DW
     
  13. readymix

    readymix 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    May 30, 2004
    Posts:
    6,706
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Murrieta, California
    Being in the Navy it is on rare occasion that i get the pleasure of a bagged meal.

    On those few occasions while doing VBSS i was somewhat set aback by the contents of "The Bag" It did taste good though.
     
  14. Ruthven13

    Ruthven13 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2003
    Posts:
    664
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Fair Verona
    As a kid we loved them! My uncle worked at Natick R&D and used to bring me "Army Food" on special occasions. Brought them in to school for show and tell too! In the Boy Scouts, I went to a Jamboree on some base, I think it was in Virgina. We hated the prepackaged food that we were given. We used to trade with the soldiers and we both thought we were getting the better deal! They couldn't wait to trade their MREs for our crap, and visa-versa. Win-Win! :grin:
     
  15. SUBFAN

    SUBFAN 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2003
    Posts:
    2,334
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Davenport, Ia
    Good thing for her the pork patties aren't around anymore. Remember those?
     
  16. 84_Chevy_K10

    84_Chevy_K10 Banned

    Joined:
    May 30, 2001
    Posts:
    17,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    IL, USA
    :grin: :grin: I concur.
     
  17. or2play

    or2play 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2002
    Posts:
    657
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Yuma, Arizona
    :haha::haha:

    Gotta love mre's. I have a bunch at home myself. Might have to try that when I get back.
     
  18. boz42

    boz42 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2003
    Posts:
    3,181
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hopewell, Tn 38058
    that was a good story, but u should be ashamed....:D

    i use to run a printing press at my old job. i have printed millions of those mre boxes. they are that crappy brown recycled paper & they use to put so much dust in the air that everyone at work would have nasty brown paper boogers for days.
     
  19. 84_Chevy_K10

    84_Chevy_K10 Banned

    Joined:
    May 30, 2001
    Posts:
    17,669
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    IL, USA
    I work at a post office. The other day, coming out of customs with a bunch of the military mail, was an MRE box.

    It fell onto the next conveyor belt and it broke open. Inside, it was full of M16 magazines!!!
     
  20. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Posts:
    12,250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
    i dont know but to me fighting the battle of your life with the sh!ts would not be a good thing:dunno::dunno:
     

Share This Page