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My kids' mother.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by mostwanted, Dec 1, 2006.

  1. mostwanted

    mostwanted 1/2 ton status

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    :angry1::angry1::angry1::angry1:

    I need some legal advice and maybe to vent a little.

    This is my weekend to get my kids and my ex is giving me a hard time cause I won't send my 5 month expecting wife down 2 hours in 10" of snow to meet her. I have to work tonight, as I do every friday night.
    So, I tell her we will come down in the morning after I get off work and shes like what ever I am done with your excuses- working sleeping or whatever. So I told her my schedual has been the same for the last 2 years and I am not calling in sick. It would be much safer to wait.
    Now she says she won't meet me halfway anymore (which I was giving her $20 cash for gas). She said I would have to come all the way to her place which is almost 3 hours from here.
    Now, I pay child support and give her gas money to meet me, but we do not have any "court ordered" visitation agreements. Shis will change soon. Thing is that I would like nothing better than to have them come live with us. I know for a fact that my daughter wants to as the last 2 times she was crying as I was takeing her back to her mom and she has told me so.
    The mother says that they have been living with her since day 1 and will continue to do so untill the kids are old enough to make that deccision on their own. How old is that? 18?:mad:

    I really have nothing legally negative about where they live now, but I know that they would have better opportunities living with me. Currently they live in a 2 bedroom trailer with another brother which makes a total of 5 people and maybe more. They are econmically challenged, and live 20 miles from school. Neither one of the adults hold full time jobs, and I believe they live mostly off the child support I provide.
    Is there any chance that I can get custody of them?

    Ask me anything you want about this.
     
  2. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Are you currently married ?? I take it you believe you can provide a healthier, and more stable home environment for your kids then their mother can. Would the kids have their own bedrooms or would they share a room ?? Same question, only about at their mother’s home. Custody battles can get pretty nasty. But as long as you don’t have anything in your past too worry about,….. well, you might want too speak with a attorney about this before taking action.
     
  3. gjk5

    gjk5 3/4 ton status

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    I am a firm believer in getting it in writing first and foremost. Tell her you want to go to a mediator, not court and work out an established visitation protocol. It'll save you both money and headache to do it that way rather than in court. As far as "old enough to make their own decision"; technically that's 18 in most states but at around 13 a judge or mediator will hear what the child has to say re: preference.

    Talk to an attorney and see if you can get mediation worked out.
     
  4. mostwanted

    mostwanted 1/2 ton status

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    I am married and we are expecting a baby in April. Currently we have enough bedrooms for everyone. We may have to work out something else for bedrooms when the baby is born, but it is possible for to still have individual bedrooms. From what the kids tell me they share bedrooms or one of them sleeps in the living room.
    I really don't have anything haunting in my past, legally. My ex and I went thru so tough time together. We both had some physical confrontations, but she is the only one who ever took a swing. We both also had substance abuse problems, but I have been "clean" for 4 years. I am not sure about her tho. It is impossible for me to watch her every minuite.

    It is apperant that living conditions with me are better than their current conditions.

    BTW, has anyone heard where so much of the child support check should be spent on the children only for like clothing, activities, and such. I am pretty sure they are living and paying bills off child support.
     
  5. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Talk too a attorney that specializes in child custody cases.
     
  6. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    Talk too a attorney that specializes in child custody cases. Congrats on your 4 years. Getting close to 7 years myself.
     
  7. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    In Mich. there is no accountability for the support payments on how they are spent. WFO as far as the FOC is concerned. It would be hard to take the children away from MOM, the courts tend to lean their way, but if you could prove that it was an unfit home or conditions they could possibly sway your way. Lawyers are expensive!!!!! 150-200$ hr. If you can get one who gets a feel for your chances, don't let the ex know about it, catch her unsuspecting. Document any abuse, or neglect with Video or such, (which would be hard 3 hours away).
     
  8. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    I'm in the same boat as you are. My ex-wife and I are sharing residential duties and joint custody of both kids. We live the same town and about 1/2 mile away from eachother.

    My son, whom turns 3 tomorrow (Dec. 2nd) absolutely dreads going to his mothers apartment. When its time to go to her place in the mornings or whenever, he immediately goes into a state of fear and starts crying uncontrollably. He has been out at my folks before and the ex and her mother went out to get him and my mom told me how he ran to their bedroom and hid in the closet while crying. He has done this every time when he hears its time to go to mama's. So sad to watch him be afraid of his own mother.

    My mom tells me there's something going on at the ex's apartment and my son has developed a fear of it/her. Our daughter does not say anything as far as any unusual activity. I will not try to pry or force her to tell me. She does that on her own when shes by herself with my mother. Theres been quite a few interesting things told by her. Even my daughter tells my mom that her mother is mean to her. But coming from a 5 year old, that could mean anything.

    My sister is also divorced and has residential custody of her two kids. She tells me the legal age for a child to face a judge to determine whom they want to live with is 13, BUT, under certain circumstances, and depending on the issues, a child can be as young as 9 years old to face a judge and tell him/her who they prefer. The biggest thing here is to talk to your child and explain to them what choices they would like to have. The thing here is NOT to bribe them or sway them with gifts, money, etc. in order to get them to stay with you. Show and tell them they would have your full support and unconditional love and that you and your family would be more than happy to have them live with you full time. Tell them if they decide otherwise, you will support their decision until they can decide later.

    This is what I'm waiting for right now. My daughter will be 6 in March and my son turns 3 tomorrow. This will make paying support a little bit easier knowing that I may only have 3 and 6 more years to pay the ex for it. That is, if both kids decide they want to live with me as the residential parent. I know for sure that my son does even though he doesn't have to say it, it shows in his actions.

    As far as you paying support and "gas money", I'd quit paying for the gas money as the support is for your ex to use on the kids. You shouldn't have to be giving her "extra" for your kids. The support is all you are entitled to pay her. Not a dime more. Quit giving her more than what the courts decide on. If she don't like it, her problem. She can't just decide to quit meeting you and not let you see the kids anymore. That won't fly with a judge. She can't be the decision maker. Its all on what the judge says, not her.

    I'm more interested in knowing how old your kids are. How many do you have? Son, daughter, etc. I can say I've learned a LOT since going to a lawyer for divorce and I don't regret it one bit.

    As Uncle Jesse says....."why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it!"
     
  9. kgblazerfive

    kgblazerfive keymaster Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Support payment can be used for anything being on the other side of the situation I'm the responsible new husband. When the ex pays his support we use it for what ever we want usually to pay the lawyer bills though $5,000 this year alone $30,000 total give or take. Make sure that when you are paying support its going to the Office of Recovery Services or what ever your state names it.
    The times that we went through a custody evaluation the more stable parent had the advantage, which was us. Not the one who had the most money or gave the most gifts.

    What ever you do no matter what the situation don't bad mouth the other parent in front of your kids and don't let them do it either, the kids.

    My 13 year old daughter was visiting her father and his house was a rat hole more or less but she didn't mind and unless the kid is in physical danger the state really won't do much. He was heating his house with propane outdoor heaters.
     
  10. noahrob

    noahrob 1/2 ton status Author

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    I have no idea what the laws are where you are, but I have been (and suspect will be for some time yet) deep into this for the last two years. We started with a private mediator, drafted a Parenting agreement ourselves and filed it with the court to make it binding. This original document has been revised, several times, including several trips to mediators (both pivate and court appointement, a court hearing, etc...PM if you want to know more detail, but my experience thus far has been, just ot the extent that you are able to work things out between themtwo of you and stay out of the court system, will you retain control over things...and I am not one of those people that have a very good relationship, unfortunately, with my childs mother, just the opposite, makes me sad for my child. The single best piece of advise I have been given regarding this whole thing has been "steer the course", meaning I take my own inventory and keep my side of the street clean, I provide a safe and secure home, there is food in the fridge, I am the best father I can be, I cannot control her...I've tried.
     
  11. mostwanted

    mostwanted 1/2 ton status

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    I have a daughter who is 7 and my son just turned 6. It's funny that you mention it but my daughter has been telling us that she wants to come live with me, but my son hadn't said a word. We never even asked him about it cause I know that sometimes he doesn't want to come to my place for the weekends. He's afraid he is going to miss out on something that they are doing. Although I couldn't imagine what that would be. Anyway I said hadn't...because a few weeks ago on our way to return the kids to their mothers house my daughter was crying about not wanting to go and my son wasn't saying anything. Well, just as soon as we get out of the car my son opens his trap and says bluntly, "Alannah wants to live with dad"....(silence). My daughter hadn't asked her mother at all about it because she was afraid her mother was going to hate her. I had to explain to her that her mother shouldn't hate her because.....yada yada yada. I could have strangled him like Bart Simpson.

    Anyway, it may hurt my feelings to find that they don't want to stay with me, but I wouldn't hate them for it. I just try to remind myself that childhood is a very short part of a long life.

    We never had any "formal" agreement of visitation. Just child support. I was giving her gas money to meet me halfway, so I didn't have to drive the full distance which is 4 hours round trip.
     
  12. smalltruckbigcid

    smalltruckbigcid 1/2 ton status

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    The child support money NEEDS to documented of how much you spent and when it went out. What I mean is don't pay by money order if at all possible. Checks make a great paper trail later on if you need it. A friends ex told the state of Ill. he never made a payment to her for 6 years. They came after him in a big way including filing a judgement that was found during a credit check. He called the state and said WTF is going on. Long story short, his bank faxed a copy of all the checks he sent her for entire time to the state. She lost lots of state support money over this and came very close to jail time.
    George
     
  13. mostwanted

    mostwanted 1/2 ton status

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    Thanks, but I went ahead and had support pulled strait outta my paycheck.
     
  14. cbbr

    cbbr 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Spend the $$ to buy 2 hours of a good family attorney's time. Talk to friends to find one that others have used. Its money well spent and a cheap education at the price.

    You can get some decent advice from friends, but every situation is different. GJK5 is right on about the mediation also. Make a deal, get it in writing.
     
  15. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Very smart. Best thing you can do there. I wouldn't do it any other way.

    Sounds like you need to go back and visit with a lawyer and do some fine tuning to your paperwork on your support issues. I could go on and on but you get the idea I hope.

    My sister and her husband, both of whom have gone thru divorces, share their experiences with me. She was very detailed in her paperwork in custody issues such as holidays, visitation, insurance, etc., etc. Her husband, however, was not. His ex took control of all that and he has nothing but support to pay her. He can't get his son whenever he wants as they never put anything in stone for alternating each year of things like holidays, birthdays, etc. She makes it like SHE has the son every year for anything and everything. She only lets him have the son when she wants to get drunk or high, or when its his weekend to have him for visitation.
    Last I knew, the son is living with my sister and her hubby full time now. The ex's boyfriend went to prison for operating a meth lab in her house. She now had to find a job to pay for bills, etc. and cannot keep their son full time anymore. The son is now staying at my sisters house which is a much, much better place for him.

    Thats an example of getting detailed stuff written in stone. Don't let the ex walk all over you and get her way. Those kids are 50% YOURS. They are not 90% your ex-wife's just because she carried them for 9 months. Thats pure bull****. You made them, you raised them, they are 50% yours and hers.

    Women are evil. Too many judges get butthurt and don't want to listen to the mans side of the story. So they just give in to the woman to keep her happy and case closed. :mad:
     
  16. Jimbo*

    Jimbo* 1/2 ton status

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    I have no experience in these matters, thank God, but one thing struck me:
    you admit you both had substance abuse problems in the past, and that you have been clean for four years, and suspect that she has not been/is not clean. You should mention this to the mediator and VOLUNTARILY submit to and request mutual blood tests. Her response to this would be very telling to the mediator. Just an other idea to get as much positive information on your side. Hope this helps and you get your kids.
    Jimbo
     
  17. Confedneck79K30

    Confedneck79K30 3/4 ton status

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    jimbo, i concur, but i digress, if he really believes she is still "using" or getting drunk, whatever it may be, that is endangering to the child, whether they are present or not, because the effects on a person are lasting, not nearly as temporary as they appear, hair folicle tests are more reliable and give a better history of substance abuse... call her on it and you may be surprised, and as far as 5 people living in a 2 bedroom trailer, the courts may see that as unfit living conditions. Also, the purpose of your child support payments are to AIDE in the living situation for your childrens benefit... My parents were seperated since i was 5 months old and my mom received child support payments and never missed a day work for any reason other than sickness. A parent should have a steady job, especially if they are expected to take proper care of children.

    just some advice from a neutral side of the fence who hasn't been in your shoes... best of luck
     

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