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My turn - Need some advice.

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Jagged, Feb 24, 2006.

  1. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    Allright gentlemen, it's my turn to ask for..... relationship advice. I'm welcoming opinions and advice (the subject of this lurks on this board, so try to maintain some respect ;) )

    Background info:

    I've been dating Heather for over a year. When we were first dating I was in a training class, I had a huge amount of free time. I spent almost all my time either with her, or at her father's (Jerry) shop. Shortly after I finished the training class (took 4 months for the class), a total of 6 months after we started dating I deployed for the desert.

    Now for the issues:

    Prior to deploying, I broke the transmission in my K5 and had no personal transportation. Jerry was kind enough to let me drive a car they just acquired from an auction for a couple weeks (2003 cavalier). This car had a brand new engine (warranty) put in it. Prior to me borrowing the vehicle, his wife (Brenda) commented that the last person they let drive one of their vehicles returned it with a full tank of gas, an oil change, and a plethora of mountain dew (Jerry loves mountain dew).

    No biggie. I used to car to run errands before I deployed, and to take Heather out a few times. A couple days prior to me leaving, I filled it up with gas, bought an oil filter and 5 quarts of Mobil 1 (it wasn't due for an oil change yet), washed and detailed the car, and had plenty of Dew in the trunk.

    Fast foward to me returning home from my deployment. I spent about a month in solitude, not really going out with anyone. I find out through Heather that Jerry felt used about me borrowing the car. Evidently he was expecting me to be up at the shop working on my project car the couple weeks before I deployed. Now that I was back from deployment and fully qualified for my job, I no longer had training classes to attend.

    Enter long shifts and changing schedules. The longest I was able to maintain working on one shift was about three weeks. We were on "8+4 hour shifts" which translates into 12 hour shifts unless there was absolutely no work to do. I R&R'ed the transmission/tcase in the K5, sold it, and bought a T-10 blazer for a DD.

    Throughout this whole time, from September until I just took leave in the beginning of February, I was changing shifts a lot, working 12+ hours days, with weekend duty sporradically in between. I didn't hav etime for much during the week. I think I went up to the shop a whole 5 times or so.

    Now as a result of this; Heather's parents think I'm a pathological liar, I'm untrustworthy, a lush, and am "not good enough" for her. To complicate things, her parents know of an instance when Heather walked in my room while I had one of those "Beaver oil documentaries" ;) on. This now results in their assumption that I will be unfaithful in my relationships.

    Any time I'm over at their house, they act nice to me. I hear otherwise just about every couple days from Heather. They're pretty much encouraging her to ditch me and look for someone more suited to their tastes.

    A few months ago I decided I would play their game. For a couple weeks when I made the time, I went up to the shop. I didn't work on my car, but instead helped put together a huge shelving unit, and put some heavy ass boxes on them. Which included boxes on the topmost shelf, at least 20 feet up. Changed light bulbs on the ceiling of the shop (climbing ladders even higher). Helped move cars around the lot. I stopped by their house afterwards to socialize some even. Still heard about the negative comments on the phone afterwards.

    I'm a nice guy, but I'm not about to bend over backwards to please someone's parents. I'm not dating them, I have no love interest with them.

    My solution to this problem, or rather what I think the cause of the problem is; Heather likes to tell her mom everything that happens between us (yes, everything). And likewise, she tells me everything that happens between her parents. What I'm thinking of suggesting to her (to better our situation) is to not be so open about everything.

    I've got a fairly open relationship with my parents, and with Heather. However, I don't feel the need to tell my parents every little detail about my relationships. Nor do I tell Heather everything my parents might say about her at one time or another. In my opinion sometimes a little discretion is good for all parties involved.



    Thoughts, comments, suggestions?

    This stuff with Heather's parents fequently causes her to get quite upset, I get to hear her crying over the phone or see it in person. That's the thing that bothers me most. I could honestly care less what others say about me, but when it obviously hurts someone I love and damages my relationship with them I take an issue to it.
     
  2. afroman006

    afroman006 1/2 ton status

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    I think the biggest factor is does there complaining actually affect her opinion of you? If she thinks they are being petty and stupid too then I wouldnt worry one damn bit about it. If they have any kind of persuasive power over her then you might be headed up **** creek. I have this problem to a lesser extent with my woman of three years. Her mom enjoys worrying about every goddam detail and constantly plants seeds of doubt in my woman's head. I have always managed to talk her back to my side though.

    Do her parents comprehend changing work schedules and 12 hour work days or are they the 9-5 M-F and nothing else type?

    If all else fails, start sharpening your spork.
     
  3. 3 on the tree

    3 on the tree 1/2 ton status

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    I think its time for a straioght up talk with her dad. Ask him in person what his issues with you are. I know you are not dating the parents, but they can be a deal killer if they choose to be, so coming to terms with them is a must. They don't have to like you, but respect is vital.
    I don't see your relationship getting any better till you come to terms with the parents. Telling your girl not to be open with her parents will be seen as an attempt to control her-not a good thing.
    Sounds to me like there is some mis-communication going on that can wreck everything if you don't get it straightened out.
    If you can't work it out with her parents then walk. She has a much longer history with them and a deeper bond, so what they say to her is always going to affect her. Personally, I think you can work this out with a little effort.
     
  4. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    Yes, this stuff always finds its way of spilling into our relationship some way or the other.


    They both should understand my work schedule. Her dad used to be an SP in the Air Force, and her mom used to have a different job which also had the same workload. Neither of them have left the country. They should understand, and do sometimes, but for the most part I think not.
     
  5. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    We had a nice little heart to heart about a month and a half ago (Immediately after he had a discussion with Heather). Heather is working a job (Special Ed. assistant) and going to school full time. We straightened some issues out, and I thought everything was all good. Shortly after our discussion, I find out that I'm still not trusted and her parents think Heather is "just settling" for me.

    I've thought about confronting them with the information I've been told. However the better part of me refrains from doing so. All I know about this situation is everything that Heather's come crying to me about. It may sound bad to say this, but I still remain a bit skeptical at times. You know how crazy women can get sometimes ;) This could be some big plot to try to get me to get her out of their house.
     
  6. walla2k5

    walla2k5 1/2 ton status

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    I think you hit it on the head.A face to face talk with the parents is in order,tell your side and hear their side.If that doesn't work,hit the bricks.There is no sense in being miserable...Good luck.
     
  7. CustomChevy

    CustomChevy 1/2 ton status

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    I think you just gave yourself all the advice you could ever need here. **** THEM, as long as Heather is strong enough to see through her parents opinions and stay with you, who gives 2 ****s what her parents think.


    I found out in a similar relationship (ironicly her name was also heather) ... that the second you stop letting on to her parents that you care what they think, they will ease off you a little.
     
  8. colbystephens

    colbystephens 1 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    i see where you're coming from, and i want to agree, however, problems with the parents of your girl need to be dealt with. she might care what her parents think - and that could affect you. she may be strong now, but that kind of negativity from people whose opinion may really matter to her could wear her down over time. i'm not saying everything has to be perfect with the parents, but i think some of it needs to be dealt with. i'm gonna vote for the straight up talk.
     
  9. Seventy4Blazer

    Seventy4Blazer 3/4 ton status

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    man... i just got out of an 11 month deal. i am still friends with a great woman and we miss each other a bunch. part of the problem with my relationship with Sarah was my mother. she is odd and butts in where she shouldnt. another part is Sarah is in AZ, im in CA 8 hours away, her family and mine are both in OR. this was added stress.

    i find that the comments my mother made had way too much bearing on what Sarah though. some of them were made to Sarah prior to her and i meeting. the expectation from my mother made 100 times more stress than needed. what am i saying? simple, even if they are great parents and you dig them it does not amtter what they thing. its always nice to have approval, but if they cant understand the Mil life you live (you and i have this in common as well) then you have two options. make time to sit down with them and talk about it. hell even take them to work one day. they may have fun and see what is really going on.

    you have to talk. all the time. with her mostly, but if you value waht they think then you have to talk with them as well. personaly what others think does not matter to me, so long as you an your girl are happy.
    Grant
     
  10. gauder

    gauder Banned

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    Do you really love this girl? Then work it out. If not, cut your losses and move on.
     
  11. kgblazerfive

    kgblazerfive keymaster Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    She needs to watch Dr. Phil, if a person in a relationship tells his or her parents things that happen in the relationship it will ruin it. The parents harbor the info a lot longer then the people in the relationship do. The couple can be over and done with it and Mom and Dad not, and still resent the offender for it.
     
  12. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    I think it might be time for another talk with them. We'll see when I get back into town next week. I've had a talk of this nature with them before, and everything was good for a few days, then back to the S.O.S.

    I guess my main issue here is more of the big picture. I like to be in good standing with my significant other's parents, and feel that helps build a good relationship. I trust Heather, however I still remain at some level of skepticism about all this heresay I've had to deal with.

    This is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. The only problem right now is I don't feel that she's ready to be living in the 'real world'. She's 19, I'm 22, there's a pretty big maturity gap between us. If I could get her out of her parents' home, this situation wouldn't be so bad (and I'd have an opportunity to show that I'm capable of ensuring for her well being).

    If I go back and find out that Heather's parents hate my guts and can't stand me I guess I'll just have to deal with it for another year or so.
     
  13. Jagged

    Jagged 1 ton status

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    Holy **** Sherlock someone hit the nail on the head!
     
  14. pauly383

    pauly383 Daddy383 Staff Member Moderator

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    I have been married forever it seems , and get along allright with them . I know for a fact from a few things I heard that they prefferred another guy at one time . I just help when I can because they are family , and go about my business . They like to ask a bunch of stuff to from wife though , and I am always saying ; " whats it matter , its our life not theirs " .

    Never have any real problems though , we tolerate each other , and I am very needed sometimes because I know how to do a bunch of stuff .

    But typically , its normal , traditional , proper , and the way God meant it to be for in-laws to not get along ( ever watch Everyone loves Raymond ) :deal:
     
  15. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    My ex had a very close relationship with her parents, and shared tons with her mom. I never had a problem with it though, she was always helpful. May just be the way she grew up, with a close bond. When you have your talk, don't have Heather there- it'll turn into a he said-she said thing.
     

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