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Need reality check.....contimplating an intervention...NEWINFO

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 73k5blazer, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    So, we have amongs't us 5 kids of our parents, one syblling, who is a total deadbeat. There's five of us kids, me being the youngest at 36. The deadbeat is 40.
    We are thinking of having an intervention to straighten out his life. But, the question is, is it going to far? Are we, the other sybllings, just going overboard.

    The big problem is, he's causing alot of undue stress to our wonderful parents, mostly my mother, who is now 68 and has pretty bad osteoporosis. Steven, that's the deadbeat brother, most recently, lost his job (for the 10th time) 10 months ago, and after accepting another free 6months of unemployment from the state, he just then started to *look* for a job. He's so slooow too, he says he's looking, but he like puts a resume or application somewhere, and waits for a call. Anyhow, it been like 4 months with 0 income now, and he ran out of money, hadn't paid june rent, didn't pay july, and when the law says they can evict on the thrid month the complex he's in of course initiated the eviction process, he whined a cried to my mother, who bailed him out, again. My father is through with him, he's helped him in more ways than we can count. He's ungratful, just the other night he was saying how unhelpful, ugh, my mother is! What, she just paid your rent, jackhole! Anyhow, he asks us for money fairly often too, that gravy train stopped many many years ago when we all realized we were just being enablers, but my mother still breaks down when she thinks he's gonna end up on the street though.
    He gets in trouble with the law all the time, he spent last 2 months of 2005 in jail for his third DUI, he got busted 2 years ago for buying pot from an undercover agent in detroit, in my dads's car! (My father bought the car and steve paid him for it, since steve couldn't get a car loan by himself), then says it's no problem for them. Yeah, my mother got in a car wreck last month (guy rearended her) and the cop proceeded to interrogete her with questions "do you have any illegal drugs in the vehicle ma'am". Like she needs that.
    He's just an idiot, most notoably, he has a huge attitude problem. I call it entitlement syndrome. He thinks he's entitled to a good job, he thinks he's better than minumum wage. He goes into job interviews and asks me why they ask him all these "questions". Uh..steve...that's what a friggin job interview is, they ask questions. When he has a job, he's bitching about how everybody else isn't doing anything, and he's the only one working, and he deserves more money ...etc.... Yeah, right.
    My father called on one of his friends who owns a electrical harness assembly place and got him a job there, he got fired within 3 weeks, they noted his attitude as no. 1 problem. Then proceeded to tell us, who already heard the story from the owner, that he didn't do anything to provoke getting fired. The owner, has a different story, he was swearing at the production manager, trying to tell other employees what to do..etc..etc...
    He has a degree from Mi. state in philsophy, and he brings that up all the time as a reason he should have a 80k/year job minimum. I tell him all the time that degree is basically usless, only good for moving on to graduate studies.


    Anyhow, should we just let him be, or me and my sister have been thinking of hiring a intervention specialist and give it one last good shot at trying to change his attitude on life. I love my brother, and I want to help him out, but this crap has got to stop with crying and whining to my parents, and manipulating my mother with his piss and moan stories. Then again, sometimes I think, he's 40, he's set in his ways, and things aren't going to change. Or are we just crazy to to attempt an intervention?
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2006
  2. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I know someone like that, his Father passed away a few years ago, he lived in his Mom's Mom's house, and he accidently burnt it down this Spring, (see dontoe.com for pics) no insurance, two days later, his Mom had a stroke and is in a Old Folks home now.............guess for good. Would Intervention have helped him, don't know, but it might have helped his Mom.................:mad:
     
  3. K5Greek

    K5Greek 1/2 ton status

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    yea definently try to do something..i mean being there for someone in your immediate family is nice and maybe the first or second time sure help out all you can..but hes probably just getting used to being babied and having everyone else work for him that hes just getting lazy
     
  4. ryoken

    ryoken Puppy Fabricator Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Not sure an "intervention" is going to work with someone who's just being an asshat... Being a drunk or on drugs is another story... Sounds like he's got some issues there too... So maybe... But they have to want the help, if not, he'll more than likely just get pissed....

    That being said, I still think you and the family should do it, clear the air.. Let him know exactly what he's been doing and how it's affected you all... I'm one for telling people exactly how you feel usually, no brushing it under the rug... My ex's family was big on that, thus many of their probs...
     
  5. Beast388

    Beast388 1/2 ton status

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    You definately have to tell him straight up what an asshat he is being. It sounds like he needs to learn a few things the hard way and not rely on others to bail him out. He needs to grab himself by the boot straps and make something out of himself, on his own.
     
  6. thatK30guy

    thatK30guy 1 ton status Premium Member

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    Time for the family to take a "break" and show him some "hard love". No more handouts. No more help. No NOTHING from anyone in the family. No phone calls unless its an absolute total emergency. Kick him out of the house. Make him live on the streets so that life style can open his eyes and maybe, just maybe, he can come to the realization that it may not be the life he wants to lead. Such "ignorance" can and shall teach him to get his life back on track and once he accomplishes that, he can gain the families trust back again and get accepted back into the "circle" again.
     
  7. dontoe

    dontoe 3/4 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    Help him find a wife and get married...................that'll teach him!!! :wink1:
     
  8. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    come on now, he wants to help the guy. :eek1:

    seriously, if you want to help him, stop the handouts. make him help himself first.
     
  9. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    We'd love to stop the handouts. My mother, is the weak link. Bless her heart, but she just can't bear to see little stevie on the street. This whole last few months, we have all been on her, because we know steve is out of money, ever so gently, do not give him money, don't do it. None of us syblings, or my father have given him a handout since, ohh..at least 2000 was last I can remember one of us giving him money. My dad helps him, like he bought the car for him to use and stated, the second you don't pay, or **** up, it's gone, and kept his word when he got busted buying drugs. Steve had to buy a credit special from a detroit lot with what little he had at the time. We all still try to help in other ways, like when he had a job I tried to sit with him and help him with his budget and finances. By dad helps him by polishing his resume and my sister gave him an old laptop and printer so he could at least get online and create decent looking resumes and things. Mabey all that needs to stop too?
    It's my mother always that always breaks down, and of course that's an argument, I'm sure within thier house, between her and my dad, my dad is flat out against it too. But at some point,how much can you ride your mother, without causing her more stress. She feels we all attack steven and she his only defender. We can argue with her to a point, then she gets extrememly emotional, as only a mother can to that extent, and crys and you know just by opening your mouth about steve, it's stress to her. She just want's the situation to go away. We've thought about having an intervention on her, of sorts, not a full blown real intervention, but like a family sit down, on her, so she doesn't get weak when he comes around with another woes's me sob story.
    But again, to her, any time there's talk of steve about his situation, she clams up and doesn't want to talk.
    Yeah, we all agree, even my mother to an extent until she gets weak, that all handouts and help should stop.
    The belief between us syblings at this time is that steve needs a complete attitude change, his whole outlook on life is how can he use companies, people, to get his way, how much can he get with the smallest investment, and gosh darn, woes me, why isn't my life better, why don't I have any friends, or love, why can't I sustain myself. His whole thinking process needs a kick in the head. Just trying to find the best way to accomplish that...
     
  10. Z3PR

    Z3PR Banned

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    That's a hard thing. Honestly, consitter helping him with a bare nothing apt. Apsolutely cheapest 1 room apt. No cable, no A/C, ...ect. sounds like your mom won't go for him being homeless, so make the free ride not so nice. Heck, if I had too live like that I'd get off my arse and get a job so I could have nicer place too live !!!!!!
     
  11. 1-ton

    1-ton 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    Your Mother is just trying to make up for what she concieves is her failure, even though it was not really her fault how he turned out. Some people are just born wired wrong, and will never change.
     
  12. blazinzuk

    blazinzuk Buzzbox voodoo Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    I have to disagree with you there I have seen many poeple completely change their lives. A couple of poeple who were 3rd gen welfare in the projects had never had jobs and 11 years after I met them they live in the suburbs in a decent house in a nice neighborhood and their oldest just got a scholarship. I could go on and on with poeple I have personally seen or have helped completely change their lives. I will say that some people have mental issues that are not readily apparant to anyone

    I think you need to talk to the rest of your family and try to get your Mom on the same page, I am sure it will be hard to do but like has been said any type of behavior change will be undermined by previous behaviours and attitudes. Don't completely cut the guy off but look at constructive ways to help him. It sounds like you and your siblings are already pretty good at that so its time to get Mom on board with that. Anyway good luck with whatever you guys decide to do. I asked my wife about this and she said there are good books at the most book stores about how to help someone change their lives. My wife knows what she is talking about she had about 7 years in the mental health proffesion and now is a drug and alcohol counseler. They have to teach these poeple how to think again to be succesfull and that is what it sounds like you will need to try to teach your bro
     
  13. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    So how is that typically accomplished? With a mental health professional? Is that a better course of action? That's exaclty what he needs, a new way to think.
     
  14. camiswelding

    camiswelding 1/2 ton status

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    At 40 hes beyond help..until he wants to help himself...
    if your mom enables him it will never stop

    tuf love....
     
  15. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    So he had a job for a while, so we didn't do anything.
    But last week, he got fired. Apperently, he was assaulted by another employee, and when he reported it to the boss, and he was fired. :whistle:
    Yeah..ok Steve. Good one.
    Cops were at his door last week too, to kick him out finally. After living for free for 4 months in the apartment, my mother didn't step in this time.
    He claimed he was only making enough to pay his car and insurance.
    He stopped by the other day, with a Starbucks coffee. Gee, for a jobless, penniless guy, I don't think I'd go buying a $3 coffee.
    So he's living in some weekly house with 7 other people, $80/week.
    It's not getting better.....I'm starting to think about the intervention again...
     
  16. Desert Rat

    Desert Rat Fetch the comfy chair

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    The only intervention he needs is a good ass kicking. As so many have said before, spend one dime on him and you enable. Even spending money on an "intervention" is a waste of money. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up to reality. If there is always a safety net, they never learn. Tough love is an understatement. Protecting somebody from consequences isn't love, it is irresponsibility. Something Mom unfortunately hasn't learned yet. It is hard to get tough with a son, daughter, sister, or brother, but sometimes you have to cowboy up. The best course of action is to let him face the music, and have all the other members of the family keep communicating with Mom about doing the right thing, hard as it is. Her natural instinct will be to protect, but sooner or later you have to kick them completely out of the nest.
     
  17. CDA 455

    CDA 455 3/4 ton status

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    You gave us permission, so I'll reply:
    With all due respect to you and your family it sounds like you're perpetuating his problem as a deadbeat. He knows you're going to help him out so he sucks you and your family for anything he can get; and he DOES get. The best thing to do for him is to let HIM fall on his face. It's hard because you love him, but that's exactly why you do it.

    I'M PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE:
    Why should he do anything??!! You guys take care of him; short of wiping his a$$!! Thats what bottom-feeders do. UNTIL the food runs out. Then they got to figure out how to mooch somewhere else, OR, become independent and learn how to feed theirself!!
     
  18. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    Well, at this point, it's strictly verbal help. I hope my mother holds out this time.
    Yes, I agree, we have in the past, before he demostrated repetitive behavior, helped him. But we've (with exception of my mother) not helped him in many years. I completely agree, let him fall on his face.

    The real hard part will be:
    When he gets kicked out in 2 weeks 'cause thats all he has money for, he's going to be living in his car. So he's gonna show up wanting to take a shower and/or eat or something. That's gonna be a hard day slamming the door in his face.
     
  19. CDA 455

    CDA 455 3/4 ton status

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    AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN!!!
    Well said, indeed!!
     
  20. 73k5blazer

    73k5blazer Unplug the matrix cable from the back of your head Premium Member

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    It's all coming to a head today. He still has no job, down to $90, car payment was due on the first. This weekend his rent is due, $80 for the week. He's called all of us outright asking for money. Now he on his way to my parents house "with the rest of my stuff because I have to start living in my car"....... I hope my mother doesn' have a nervous breakdown....
     

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