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New Rules for 2007

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by TexasBlazerBoy, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. TexasBlazerBoy

    TexasBlazerBoy 1/2 ton status

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    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I ll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?" :D
     
  2. babyburb

    babyburb 1/2 ton status

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  3. W7NB

    W7NB 1/2 ton status

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    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

    What was that song? Glory Days? I made the mistake of signing up for classmates.com years back mainly to see who had survived from my class. Now I get email invitations to contact the pathetic bastards I didn't like then and probably won't like now.

    It is fun to see who has been in rehab though...

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    I NEVER had a teacher who looked like that! If I had I would have paid more attention to... Well never mind that but I would have paid more attention!

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    AMEN! And if you make a living selling baseball cards in little plastic holders on ebay you should be made to play in traffic or be a spotter for "Fumes after he has his 2nd bottle of scotch.


    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    Yeah, but PLEASE have two ok? The unabrow thing is kinda scary.


    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    Why does this make me think of yellow snow?


    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

    GOING in a Starbuck makes you a pretentious SOB, it's all downhill from there...


    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    I thought that said "Lube Slip Joint Regularly" in Chinese. The only thing worse then a 21 y/o with a tramp stamp will be a 40 y/o with a tramp stamp. Now the buterfly on the Ta Ta's is kinda cute if you ask me...


    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    How in the hell can someone 5'2 who weighs somthing like 125 lbs eat 52 hot dogs? 52 for God's sake! Man I would not want to be the maid in his hotel!

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    Oh come on man! I'm still waiting for the Mork and Mindy reunion. Of course Pam is a little older now, and probably still drives a heep - and Robin Williams is a drunk looser...


    Oh never mind.


    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    And they want a tip! Good grief man, I learned to wash my hands by myself years ago - ask my mommy! And paper towels are fine. I just hate those damn hair dryers in disguise.


    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying "Do you want fries with that?"

    I had two folks show up for interviews a couple of months ago with multiple tats and piercings. Now if you want to be a dark-room IT geek or work in a machine shop I suppose thats ok, but I'm not hiring someone who looks like they belong in a martial arts movie or as a sideshow freak in a circus to represent my company.

    It's even better when they show up in goth regailia with a liberal arts degree:wink1:
     
  4. TexasBlazerBoy

    TexasBlazerBoy 1/2 ton status

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    Good God DubyasevNaB, why don't you let us know how u really feel about everyone of of those:wink1: :bow: :bow: :bow: :bow:
     
  5. W7NB

    W7NB 1/2 ton status

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    Glad to share:D :haha:
     
  6. Chevy305

    Chevy305 6 Lug 14bsf Status Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    Ya I hate flavored water too! It just tastes like severly watered down juice that sat so long its 1/2 fermented. I can't stand that crap!

    If I want flavored water I'll make some KoolAid...




    As for starbucks, they suck ass. Everything is twice as expensive as Dunkin Donuts and their coffee is way to god damn strong to enjoy it.
     
  7. 76zimmer

    76zimmer Flyin Rat Premium Member GMOTM Winner

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    thats good stuff right there.[​IMG]
     

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