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oil change..

Discussion in 'The Garage' started by dogman, Aug 5, 2002.

  1. dogman

    dogman 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2001
    Posts:
    213
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California, Santa Clara Co.
    OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
    reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with
    a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00


    OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

    1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00
    for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
    tree.
    2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
    of taking it back to O'Reilly to Recycle, dump in hole in
    back yard.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you
    in process.

    12) Clean up mess.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Look for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

    16) Beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish
    oil change tomorrow.

    18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
    underneath car.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
    coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
    back yard along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
    floor.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
    knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
    Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

    36) Beer. (about now maybe the time for a joint)

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required
    to stop blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
    fresh oil spilled during step 23.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over -- arrested for driving under the
    influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Make bail.


    50) Get car from impound yard.

    Money spent: Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $25.00
    Total-- $4150.00

    But you know the job was done right!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
  2. Calclips

    Calclips 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2001
    Posts:
    1,005
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    0
    Location:
    Swartz Creek, Michigan/Flint while in school
    Have you been stalking me?
     
  3. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2000
    Posts:
    38,584
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    Watch for the muzzleflash!
    sounds about right.... /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif
     

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