Dismiss Notice

Welcome To CK5!

Registering is free and easy! Hope to see you on the forums soon.

Score a FREE t-shirt and membership sticker when you sign up for a Premium Membership and choose the recurring plan.

Post Your Joke Here

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by google, Jun 17, 2005.

  1. google

    google 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Posts:
    805
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    Ok, i need something that I think most of us would enjoy. A joke thread. SO, bust out the old playboys, maxims, or look in your head and type up a joke.

    SO, Here's mine.

    A police officer pulls a Navy Chief over for speeding and
    has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    Navy Chief Petty Officer: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    Navy Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.


    Officer: The car is stolen?
    Navy Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
    Navy Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
    Navy Chief: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
    The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Navy Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

    Captain: Whose car is this?
    Navy Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Navy Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Navy Chief: No problem.
    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it.
    The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Navy Chief: Yeah, I'll bet the liar said that I was speeding, too.
     
  2. google

    google 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Posts:
    805
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    SLOW OR STOP...

    A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.

    "May I see your driver's license and registration please.?

    "What's the problem, officer?"

    "You just ran that stop sign back there."

    "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

    "Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

    "You gotta be kidding me."

    "It's no joke, sir."

    "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

    "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..."

    "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut shops closed?"

    "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."

    "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

    The policeman had enough.

    "Sir, I can do better than that."

    He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

    "Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"
     
  3. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2001
    Posts:
    20,716
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Undisclosed Location
    The Democratic Party........................
     
  4. divorced

    divorced 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Posts:
    5,115
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    .
    [Carl]

    There were two fellers standin on the bridge goin to the bathroom... one feller says the waters cold... the other feller said the waters deep... I guess one of the fellers was from Arkansas... git it?

    [/Carl]
     
  5. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2004
    Posts:
    838
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Newnan GA
    Man driving down the road and a car cuts him off. Seeing the for sale sign in the window he rights down the number. Upon doing this every now and then when he gets made he calls up and cusses at the man till he fills better from different pay phones. The man in this car is really becoming annoyed and mad. To put this mildly. This has been now going on for a couple weeks. Then when going on anther daily trip in the car this man passes him cuts him off in traffic and hangs him a bird all while having a for sale sign in the window of his car (#2). So when he gets home he is thinking about this car #2 how rude he is and thinking about calling him next time he is out on the phone and cussing at him to give car #1 a break. So later when he has to run down to the store he calls from the payphone and gets this person on the phone but for some reason canot come to cuss at this person and kindly ask about coming to look at this car #2. A red mustang, with all these options, only 9 grand. So he tells the man when can i come look at it. The man says I was going over to some friends but can stay home if you want to come look. He says hold on i'll call you right back and let you know. So he proceeds to call car #1 phone number and gets the man on the phone and starts cussing just a little then gets quiet. The man in car #1 on the phone starts yelling about just tell me where you are and i'll come whip your @ss. So he kindly tells him the address of car #2 and says there will be a red mustang in the yard and my name is xxxxx if you think your man enough. Then he calls back car #2's owner and says he is on the way don't leave. Then before leaving he gives cents to the phone and calls the local news station and says there is about to be two gay lovers having a fight at this address and hangs up the phone. he then hops into his car to drive home and enjoy watching the news. :D
     
  6. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Posts:
    3,859
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    With My Tinfoil Hat
    One of my favorites

    A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the

    oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the

    motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After

    dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.

    He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that

    something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a

    double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands

    he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

    After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the

    mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks

    like you blew a seal."

    Penguin says...."No, no, it's

    just ice cream, I swear!"
     
  7. PhoenixZorn

    PhoenixZorn 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Posts:
    1,734
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Allis, WI
    Fixed it for you!!
     
  8. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Posts:
    3,859
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    With My Tinfoil Hat

    Uh huh... I bet correcting other peoples jokes makes you a real hit at parties.. :D
     
  9. google

    google 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    May 19, 2005
    Posts:
    805
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arizona
    The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and Says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."


    OR


    "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." The wife lies there for a moment, begins to push and is emensely suprised when her husband gets behind her "BLOCKING BLOCKING"
     
  10. dremu

    dremu Officious Thread Derailer Premium Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2000
    Posts:
    15,954
    Likes Received:
    444
    Location:
    East of San Francisco
    No no no, he's making it as it was originally.

    From 'Wet Dream In The Gulf Stream' by Kip Addotta:

    It was April the forty-first
    Being a quadruple leap year
    I was driving in downtown Atlantis
    My barracuda was in the shop
    So I was in a rented stingray
    And it was overheating

    So I pulled into a Shell Station
    They said I'd blown a seal
    I said, "Fix the damn thing
    And leave my private life out of it
    Okay pal?"

    ... there's more, but the whole thing is fish jokes.

    -- A
     
  11. PhoenixZorn

    PhoenixZorn 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Posts:
    1,734
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Allis, WI
    Indeed dremu... Kip Addotta rocks...

    Joke Time...


    A guy finally gets the Corvette of his dreams and decides to take it out for a spin. He is tooling down the road and decides to give'er a little. So he puts 'er down and as he is picking up speed looks in the rear view mirror and there is a state trooper a ways behind him. He looks at the speedometer and says to himself, "ah she's got a little left in her yet..." so he steps er down to the floor. Well the trooper also kicks er down and there doing about 110. The guy starts thinking about the situation and decides that it's just not worth taking a chance of something bad happening or even worse having his new Vette damaged. So he decides to pull over to the side of the road. The trooper steps out of his car and walks over to the guy. "Hey what's up, you were really moving. Ya know fella, this might be your lucky day. I only have 10 minutes left on my shift and I don't want to get into anything that's going to take to long. If you can give me a good explanation of why you were speeding I might just let you go." Well the guy takes a little time and says, "My wife ran off with a state trooper about 3 years ago and I thought you were trying to bring her back."
     
  12. darkshadow

    darkshadow 1 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Posts:
    12,250
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    C-eh-N-eh-D-eh
    ok bad one....






    what is the differance betwen a ill water fowl and you?


    one is a sick duck, and i forget how it goes but you mother is a whore!








    i am sorry that is only te sconed time i ever told it, its bad i know
     
  13. PhoenixZorn

    PhoenixZorn 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Posts:
    1,734
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West Allis, WI
    Just a few that can get a guy a black eye if told in the right place.... sorry if it's unacceptable, I'll remove it if it is.



    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
    be able to support you.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to
    build up the required pressure.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
    a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can
    walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
    gut, and still think they are sexy.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
     
  14. stallion85

    stallion85 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    Posts:
    3,659
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cedar City, UT
    How about some Momma jokes?

    Your momma is so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes!

    Your momma is so fat she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller!

    Your momma is so cross eyed, when she cries tears roll down her back!

    Your momma's teeth are so yellow, when she yawns traffic slows down!

    Your momma is so stupid she sits on the tv and watches the couch!

    Your momma is so fat, I had to take two trains and a bus just to get to her goodside!

    Your momma is so fat she plays pool with the planets!


    I could go on forever with momma jokes. To me it just doesn't get any better than momma jokes!! :grin:
     
  15. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2003
    Posts:
    9,194
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Dallas Texas
    women jokes

    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes ?
    Nothing,,you done told her twice.


    Why do brides wear white?
    You want the new dishwasher to match all the appliances.


    What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
    A toilet does'nt follow you around for a week after your done using it.
     
  16. ronnny

    ronnny 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2004
    Posts:
    838
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Newnan GA
    Your moms chest is so hairy that her breast look like two coconuts.
     
  17. 4by4bygod

    4by4bygod 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2003
    Posts:
    3,859
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    With My Tinfoil Hat
    Your momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!

    T
     
  18. poolcues

    poolcues 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2004
    Posts:
    232
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Charlotte,NC
    a set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    the bartender replies "Alright you can have a drink,just don't start nothing!!!!" :D :D :D :haha: :haha: :haha: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
     
  19. jarheadk5

    jarheadk5 1/2 ton status

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2000
    Posts:
    4,389
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PA
    WOW! I haven't heard that name in a long time!!
    How about "Big Cockroach"?
     
  20. wasted wages

    wasted wages 3/4 ton status

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2003
    Posts:
    9,194
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Dallas Texas
    My Grandpa

    Subject: : My Grandpa
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > > I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in
    > > your
    >life
    > > won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from
    > > a
    >mentor,
    > > and on a very personal level.
    > >
    > > My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a
    >time to
    > > reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would
    > > make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
    > >
    > > I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his
    > > pearls
    >of
    > > wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the
    > > one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice
    > > came from
    >him
    > > when I was only 12.
    > >
    > > We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers
    > > enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a
    > > woman and start
    >my
    > > own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small
    >hands."
    > >
    > > Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
    > >
    > > It makes your pecker look bigger."
    > >
    > > Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
     

Share This Page