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question for those of you who have dealt with divorce and kids

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by scrappyk5, Oct 14, 2002.

  1. scrappyk5

    scrappyk5 1/2 ton status

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    i am in the process of a divorce and i am really not
    knowing how to handle a situation. my son who is 9 acts
    like he wants to be around me when were together , but when he is with his mom, he has somewhat no interest in talking to me on the phone , then acts like he doesnt want to spend time with me on our up and coming weekends. i will plan things for us to do , but then he calls me and says that he wants to do things with his mom instead. when were together,
    we do alot of active stuff , but with his mom he lays around and watches tv.
    i am suppose to get him every other weekend , but i am starting to miss out becouse his mom has things going on that he wants to do. i just dont understand , cuase he doesnt act this way when were together.
    what should i do about it?
    i tried talking to his mom , but we have been butting heads since the second day of our marriage. she doesnt have a grasp of what i am going through. she is f-ing evil ! /forums/images/graemlins/angryfire.gif
     
  2. Swanson52

    Swanson52 1/2 ton status

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    Been there, and I feel for ya. All I can tell ya is to keep after it. The minute you start to lose interest in trying or just give up out of frustration sh!t will really start to fall apart. I started doing this with my 7 and 3 year olds...just show up to pick em up. Maybe call, but don't give her the option of talking him out of it. You have been granted this time with your son by the court, and her planning stuff will be her loss...she KNOWS what weekends are yours. Make them yours, without option and without fail. Your son won't say 'no' with you at the door, and even if he does, take him. It's shaky ground, I know, but you just have to be PERSISTENT and INSISTENT. Good luck to you, man, I'm on yer side with this. /forums/images/graemlins/thumb.gif
     
  3. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

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    i have never went through this and pray to god i dont. but i would sugest when you are with him next sit down and talk with him about it. comunication is the key to any relationship. ask him how he feels and tell him how you feel about it. and above all else tell him how much he means to you and how much you love him and want to spend time with him. never give up
     
  4. dogman

    dogman 1/2 ton status

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    the court ordered /forums/images/graemlins/deal.gif the % of visitation, take all you can and ask for more time!
    you have the right to be his dad, enforce your right.
    what your doing is the way, keep on supporting your kids self-esteem.
    tell your X, when its your weekends, don't make plans; unless you approve it.
    she should not put the kid in the middle to decide what to do.
    keep your calandar up between you and the X, it is not the kids choice.
    keep the bad talk about your X away from the little ears.
    she can't take advantage of you, unless you let her.

    <font color="orange">dogman </font color>
     
  5. Blaze

    Blaze 1/2 ton status

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    I've never been through it either, but I've seen you and your son together and all I have to say is that you have to do everything possible to keep yourself in his life as much as possible. When we were at the Jam with you two, it seemed like he was having a great time. My wife kept saying how good of a father you were to him. Keep fighting it bud, better times will come.

    Maybe your wife is planting bad thoughts in his head about you. He is at a very impressionable age. I'd sit down and talk it over with your wife and make sure that you guys have equal custody.

    Good luck with everything, bud.
     
  6. shane74

    shane74 1/2 ton status

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    My daughter is 10. I am lucky. I have custody. But, there was a time when I didn't. Previously, I would call and say I was on my way to pick them up. She tried to mess me up almost every time for more than 3 years. Finally, I got sick of it and told her that if she did not follow through that I had every missed visit documented and that I would have her @ss brought up on contempt of court charges. She didn't belive me, so I did. Funny, after a good arse reaming fromt he judge, things started to go smooth as silk. The only advice I can offer is to talk to your kid. Before you do or say anything, tell them that no matter what they have to say, or what they feel, you love them and that it is OK for them to tell you ANYTHING! My daughter used to try to do the exact same things, but not because she didn't want to be with me. It was because she didn't know who to please. Once I got it through to her that she needed to make herself happy and not worry about making me or mommy upset, things started to get better. One last thing. NEVER bad mouth mom when they are anywhere near ear shot. They're smart, they figure out pretty quick who has things under control. Whenever possible, talk positive about their mom. It's a tough situation, one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... If I had a penny for every tear shed over the whole deal I could give Bill Gates a run for his money! Be positive and don't give up. It's all you can do.
     
  7. uglychevyZZ4

    uglychevyZZ4 3/4 ton status

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    been there, done that, hated it. I have a 4-1/2 and 8-1/ 2 year old that i finally got custody of in may, took a ugly 1.5 year long fight to keep em outta harms way.

    My best thoughts are that he going to feel like he needs to be on her side there, and your side at your house, and thats normal. also he may be hearing what a jerk you are, not good at all, i hope this isnt the case. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif and as far as not wanting to do anything with you, he may be hearing what better plans she has for him, then not following through, and if thats the case just give it time, he'll see where the bear [censored] in the buck /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif i know its hard and it hurts like all hell, i remember when my son told me he didnt wanna live with me and i exploded inside in a million pieces, then after a short time he was seeing the truth with his own eyes, and he called me and said "dad, mom lies and i dont wanna be here anymore" so i went and got him, now he is a much smarter boy after learing how to see people for what they are and i HAD to give him the space to do that on his own. hopw that helps. if not, good luck and you can pm me anytime /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif
     
  8. scrappyk5

    scrappyk5 1/2 ton status

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    thanks , even though it will hurt , i will talk with him and let him know that our weekends our for us to spend together , but if he decides not to come with me , i will
    respect his desicion no matter how it hurts. i do not want him to resent me becouse i am forcing him to do things. i
    am a very good father and i have alot to teach him and share with him. like you guys say , let him figure things out and for myself to have patience.
    i am picking him up for dinner tomorrow, i will talk to him.
     
  9. BigMac

    BigMac 1/2 ton status

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    I was the kid in this situation....

    Maybe he feels like hes being forced to choose. I would take that decision making process out of it.

    By the way, my dad and I are the best of friends. My parents divorced when I was 6.

    Hang in there bud...
     
  10. uglychevyZZ4

    uglychevyZZ4 3/4 ton status

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    </font><blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr />
    I would take that decision making process out of it.


    [/ QUOTE ] quite possible, maybe feel it out and consider telling mih this is what me and your mother decided, and how its going to be. then he DONT FEEL LIKE he chose against her or you????? sounds like your putting TIME and thought into it though, good job /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif
     
  11. mudhog

    mudhog THEGAME Staff Member Super Moderator

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    another thing to do would be to talk to the mother when your son is not there and tell her look what happens between us is one thing but it is not fair to hurt your son and make him chose between you 2 maybee she is trying to keep him with her because she is afraid that he will want to stay with you and not her. so id say you need to talk to her as well
     
  12. FLASHLIGHT76

    FLASHLIGHT76 1/2 ton status

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    I remember when my folks split. I was 8 years old. Mine got even more complicated with step parents. My Mom and Dad both tried to keep my attention but my step parents and my folks kept telling me how bad the other was. My Dad used to make me go with him places and insist on visitation with me. I've always felt cared about by my parents because of how each has fought for that time with me. And when I wanted to live with my Dad my mom put up the biggest fight possible. The custody battle went on for 2 years. Neither parent gaining any ground. I Knew that Both my folks loved me.
    Don't give up on you time!!! If he wants to stay trade for the next weekend of hers. That way you still see him the same. What ever you do don't be complacient. Your son will appreciate down the road.
     
  13. TWISTEDJACK

    TWISTEDJACK 1/2 ton status GMOTM Winner

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    I guess I got out lucky. My ex-wife doesn't want anything to do with my son. I had him since his was 3, now he is 7, he doesn't even ask about her. He is really clingy with any women that come over though. It doesn't bother me that she doesn't want to see him, she is the one missing out not him, trust me she is a piece of work. She has a daughter as well, not mine, hate to say it but she has that little girl /forums/images/graemlins/ignore.gif up! I am glad my son doesn't have to deal with her. All I can say is that every situation is diffrent and you just have to deal with it as need be. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif
     
  14. delta9blazer

    delta9blazer 1/2 ton status

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    sounds to me like the ex is being a kunt and running her mouth about you to your kid.
    the biitch won't change, all you can do is let your boy know you love him, let him know his mom might say crappy stuff, but you two will still be pop-n-son no matter what.
    good luck, and maybe you'll get lucky and the sniper will pop her next.
     
  15. NEOMASTINO2U

    NEOMASTINO2U 1/2 ton status

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    as a stepmother to my son its hard to take in other peoples children and do anything about the damage that has been done by screwed up parents, my sons mother is an alcholic bad and a very mentally screwed up women she has told her kids what a evil person i am and that i don't love them at all, but my kids are smart and they know that i love them like my own and that i would die for them, but the damage has been done to my son by her and it takes everything in me to get him to open up to me, he now can say he loves me and that i am his mom and that makes all the stuff he put me through worth it. his dad and real mom but heads bad she is really psycho and she has threatened so much stuff and filled there heads with all kinds of lies about me and his dad so we finally took them to court and got custody of them now they don't ever see there mom and its not because we have told them they can't they just don't want to, kids don't like to be put into a situation where they have to pick sides it just tears them up, but they are glad they live with us now. all you can do is be honest with him and talk to him don't hold anything back but don't say anything bad about his mom to him little boys will defend there moms no matter what, it will take him seeing how bad she is for himself. but let him know how you feel about him every chance you get and again talk to him kids like to be treated like adults sometimes so talk to him about your feelings on seeing him let him know that you miss him when he is gone and so forth. and i know how hard it will be but be cordial to your ex so that way he can see who the real grown up is, no matter what my husbands ex did to us we were both always nice to her no matter how mad she got us and that drove her nuts! and stick to the custody papers to a T and if she tries to stop you from seeing him on your weekend you need to nicely remind her that it is your weekend even if you son doesn't want to see you he needs to for his own good, she maybe saying things to him to get him to not want to come over. so make sure you let her know that she will just have to make plans on her weekends not yours and if she keeps it up you will just have to turn her in for contempt of court. also keep a log of everything she has said to you or your son especially if she is talking bad about you to him and keep track of everytime she tries to keep him away from you. you may have to eventually fight for custody of him which may be for the best with him, don't be afraid to fight for him either okay you can win a custody battle alot of fathers do every day, my husband did and we got both of them. i wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world i may not of given birth to them but i am still there mom and they know it. so don't give up on him okay and if you ever need to talk just pm me anytime or email me okay.
    kelly
     

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