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Ramblings of a country boy. (Long)

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Dieselmh, Dec 31, 2002.

  1. Dieselmh

    Dieselmh 1/2 ton status

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    I posted this on the PBB, but I know a lot of you don't go over there. Sorry it's so long, it's just some things I've learned throughout my life while living in the country.

    Last night we had a pretty good storm here. Now, keep in mind, it wasn't a stump movin' gully washer, but it rained quite a bit and we had some decent wind. On my way home from watching Wrasslin' at my buddy's house, I ran across a situation that made me think. I've learned quite a few things in my mere 25 years on this Earth, and many of them were taught by my surroundings. Below, I will tell the story of what happened last night, and a few other random ramblings of information that I have picked up along the way. Read 'em if you want, laugh if you want, or ignore them, it doesn't matter to me. You don't have to accept them all as truths; they are just things that I have experienced myself. Here goes:

    Last night on the way home after the storm, I came across a downed tree in the road. No big deal, it happens all the time out here! Being that I was driving my 2WD daily driver truck, I didn't have any tow straps or chains with me. I also noticed that the tree had landed on some guy's bob wire (barbed wire for you non-country folks) fence, and one of his cows was out by the road. His driveway was on the other side of the tree, so I had to leave my truck and walk up to his house. I could've just turned around and taken the other way home, but that wouldn't be very nice, cows aren't cheap, and I'd hate for someone to hit it and possibly get hurt or die. Anyway, I'm walking up this guy's driveway which is close to 100 yards long, in the rain, thinking "Great, I'll probably catch a cold and not be able to drink tomorrow night (new year's eve). I round a small bend in his drive to find a huge, two-story house, which is not what I really expected, but no biggie. I come to find out that the guy and his wife moved up from the city of Houston less than a year ago, and some guy is leasing his pasture for his cows. The homeowner knows absolutely nothing about cows or fence, so he tries to call the leasee, but can't get through. (This also isn't a big deal since our phone service out there sucks.) I tell the guy "If you have some fence and some tools, I'll help you patch it." This guy had nothing. No fence pliers, no hammer, no fence, no regular pliers, nothing. Apparently, he moved from Houston thinking that living in the country would be calm and relaxing, and everything fixes itself. Anyway, we go into his "barn" which is actually one of those little cheap ass metal sheds you buy from Lowes or Home Depot, and he does manage to find something that resembles rope. It actually looked like some kind of really thick yarn. I manage to triple the yarn crap and somehow drag the dead pine tree off of the road. (Thank goodness I got my Powertrax installed a couple of weeks ago.) I guess by this time the cow had either crossed back into the pasture, or was far enough down the road that we couldn't see it, so I turned my attention to the fence. Luckily, the guy who built the fence had left the leftover coiled up and hung over the corner post, so I had some to use to patch. I was working with what turned out to be the worst pair of pliers in the known world! They're a really cheap pair that came in my tool kit that I carry. I manage to get the fence fixed, and go on my way with not so much as a "Thanks" from the city slicker. I used to like living in the country, now it's turning into another Houston, only out here, people think they can do anything they want which includes shooting at every noise they hear at night, letting all their animals run loose, and dumping trash on the roadsides! Anyway, I made it home by about 1:00 AM, and made it to bed. This got me to thinking, what other things have I learned by being born and raised here that others don't know?

    A charging Brahma bull can be stopped with a lawn chair, but the lawn chair will no longer even resemble a chair.

    When people dump dogs in the woods, and they turn wild, they will attack anything, including people, pets, and full-grown cows.

    If you go to the deer lease and don't take any food because "We'll eat what we kill"; you will indeed eat raccoon.

    You will not, however, eat a crow!

    When you raise rabbits to sell for meat, you will learn to kill and skin more than 100 in a day, and it won't make you queasy.

    You also learn that a hammer is a lot faster and cheaper shooting them in the head with a pellet gun.

    Raising a calf and killing it for food is not mean, it's survival.

    Yes, you can name a calf, bottle-feed it when it's a baby, treat it like part of the family, and then kill it. It won't break your heart, and yes, it tastes good!

    If you shoot a squirrel, pick it up, and it latches down on your hand, don't snatch it off, it leaves a big hole!

    If a dog tries to bite you and you jam your hand to the back of his mouth and grab his bottom jaw, he won't bite you, he'll try to get away.

    Don't let him get away, or he'll bite you!

    Do not believe the cartoons when they show you that you can fish and nap at the same time by looping the fishing line around your toe. A big catfish will promptly remove your toe, or at least make you think it's gonna come off!

    When you're seining (using a large net to catch baitfish) in a river, and you start to climb out, do not stick your foot into any holes you find underwater. More than likely there is a large loggerhead turtle living there, and will remove your toe faster than the catfish!

    If you shoot a hornet's nest with a shotgun, they will follow the smell, or soundwaves, or hell, something, but they will come directly to you!

    A chicken snake bite will not kill you, but it will make you sick enough to worry "I wonder if that snake crossbred with a rattler?"

    If you step on a copperhead, and your foot if just behind his head, go ahead and squash him. Moving your foot just makes it that much harder to chase him down and kill him with a shovel.

    A small daschund dog will chase a rabbit all day until one of them dies of exhaustion. In my case, the rabbit died, not the dog.

    A Russian boar hog will not only kill hunting dogs, but you will rarely find more than a few remains left.

    No matter what direction you face in your deer stand, the deer is always going to come out behind you.

    You don't have to buy all this new cover scent, odor remove, charcoal filter crap to kill deer. We don't shower for a week, smell like campfire smoke and beer, and still kill deer. You just have to shut the **** up and be quiet!

    Despite commons sense, if you're riding a four wheeler at 40 mph, and the upper water hose comes off, spraying your inner thighs with boiling water, you will bail off!

    No, a comealong is not as good as a winch!

    If you pick up an armadillo by the tail, start shaking him. If you don't, he'll roll up and bite you.

    Most animals will follow their head. If you push a full-grown cow's head around to the right, she'll go that way.

    Jackasses and Shetland ponies don't follow this rule.

    Jackasses and Shetland ponies will bend their necks around and bite you while your riding them!

    Don't ever punch a Shetland pony in the face, it pisses them off, and will break your hand.

    Don't ever punch a pit bull, I think they like it.

    If you're 12 years old, home alone, and your dog gets run over and breaks his back, you can either shoot him and put him out of his misery, or you can watch him die slow and painful.

    After a while, you learn that shooting a pet to put it out of its misery is actually not a mean thing to do.

    Snakebites rarely kill a dog, but they will make him swell up like a parade balloon.

    If you ever have a chance to help out a neighbor, take it. More than likely one day you'll need help, and your neighbors are a lot closer than most of your friends and relatives.

    If you shoot your cousin in the leg with a BB gun, chances are, he won't forget, and one day, a year or so later, he'll get you back.

    Pellets definitely hurt worse than BBs!

    Your cousin will shoot you in the ass, not the leg!

    If a calf swallows a fish hook and it gets stuck in it's tongue, you will have to push it all the way through, cut off the barb, then remove it.

    Calf slobber stinks really bad first thing in the morning.

    If you have to stick your arms up a cows rear to turn the calf that is coming out backwards, you will have a special place in your heart for both that cow and calf.

    You will, however; still eat that calf when the time comes.

    When you're feeling kinda sick, Cow Combiotic(sp), which is medicine for cows, will make you feel better, but it burns like when injected.

    Pigs will eat almost anything. This includes birds that you shoot with your BB gun and don't want your mom to find out about.

    Pigs will bite you just for the hell of it.

    You will get revenge, at the dinner table.

    Some pit bull dogs can't swim. Actually, some can't even float, they just sink like rocks and you have to dive in to get them.

    If you throw your dog into the pond to see if he swims, and he sinks, it's your obligation to dive in and save him.

    When you're milking a cow, never let the bucket get over half full, this is when they like to kick it over.

    If you're trying to give a calf a shot, and you get into a wrestling match with it and break one of it's horns off against the wall of the chute, not only will it bleed all over you, but it will hold it against you for the rest of it's life.

    It's grudge only makes it easier to eat it!

    A coachwhip snake will actually chase you if you piss it off!

    Baby rattlesnakes have a worse attitude than their parents, but they're easier to squash.

    A Honda 200 3-wheeler will float, but there is no guarantee that it will float right side up!

    An International Scout will not float!

    Never trust the parking brake on an old International Scout!

    Wild duck is great eating, but kinda hard to pluck.

    Eating tame duck tastes like [censored] and pisses off the neighbors.

    If a goose is charging you, you can throw a shoe at him and make him stop.

    Make sure it's not your shoe, because retrieving it will not be easy!

    If you raise baby squirrels until they are grown, they make good eating.

    Your sister will get really pissed when she finds out that you ate her pet squirrels.

    If you raise a fawn (baby deer), he will start to get an attitude when he starts getting horns.

    Deer stink!

    That little bastard will jump the fence and run away exactly one week before you plan on killing him and making sausage out of him and your pigs.

    Pigs will not jump the fence and run away!

    Pork sausage just isn't the same without deer!

    Sheep are hard to kill!

    Cows aren't nearly as hard to kill as sheep, go figure!

    My Grandpa always told me, "if you get finned by a catfish, rub some of the slime off of him on the cut, and it won't hurt."

    Grandpa lied!

    If your cousin steps on a catfish, and the fin goes through the top of his foot, you can't just pull it out. You have to cut off the top part, then pull it out; it kinda has little barbs like a fishhook, how ironic!

    An alligator Gar really does look like an alligator when you're pulling him in the boat on a trotline.

    When your duck hunting, and a beaver slaps his tail on the water right beside you, you'd better hope you don't need to pee, otherwise you'll smell like piss all day!

    Soft-shell turtle tastes just like fish.

    Never pee off the front of the boat when dad is at the wheel and it's running!

    Dad likes to throw people out of the front of the boat while they're peeing!

    Dad gets mad if you throw him out of the front of the boat while he's peeing!

    If you shoot a squirrel and he starts running on the ground, you will not get to him before your pit bull.

    Pit bulls will not let go of a half dead squirrel.

    Pit bulls will eat an entire squirrel except for his tail.

    When you go squirrel hunting with a shotgun, make sure that you chew very slowly.

    Biting into a piece of lead shot hurts.

    If a skunk sprays your dog, he will instinctively come running to you for comfort.

    You cannot outrun a pit bull that's been sprayed by a skunk.

    Skunks stink!

    When you're driving on a dirt road with large trees on both sides, and a dog runs out, hit the dog, not the trees.

    Your neighbor will get pissed if you run over his dog!

    If you pit bull kills and eats your sister's cat, don't tell her.

    Make sure you find and bury the tail, otherwise she'll find out.

    If your bull jumps the fence and starts eating the flowers off of the cemetery graves next door, just let him finish.

    People freak out when they go to the cemetery and see a bull!

    A full-grown Brahma bull can, in fact, jump a 4-foot cyclone fence surrounding the cemetery.

    His balls will usually hit, and he'll walk kind funny for a few minutes.

    Pit bulls will herd cattle with the best of them.

    Brahma bulls don't like pit bull dogs.

    If a pit bull grabs onto a Brahma bull's ear, it's very hard to separate them.

    Electric fences don't stop pigs!

    If you're riding your four wheeler in the woods and get stuck, then get off to push and the mud steals one of your boots, don't assume that you'll go ahead and push the four wheeler a few more feet then come back for your boot.

    You will not find a buried boot within a 10 square foot section of mud, I think it eats it!

    Do not get pissed and throw your other boot into the woods.

    It's hard to shift a four wheeler with no boots on.

    And last (at least for now), but not least: Burning the dead grass off of the pasture makes the new grass grow faster and thicker, but burning all of the grass and flowers off of the cemetery just pisses people off!
     
  2. fourwheelerjeff

    fourwheelerjeff 1/2 ton status Staff Member Moderator

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    d@mn, sounds like my upbringing, except in the panhandle where it gets colder, so here is a new one for you,

    grandad will scare the sh!t out of you when he puts a 55 gallon drum in the stock tank and fills it a 1/4 way with drip gas and then throws a match in it /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
     
  3. jackedjimmy350

    jackedjimmy350 1/2 ton status

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  4. Bubba Ray Boudreaux

    Bubba Ray Boudreaux 1 ton status

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