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Retrosexual

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by RubberFloorMat, Mar 10, 2006.

  1. RubberFloorMat

    RubberFloorMat 1/2 ton status Premium Member

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    Retrosexual Males

    Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand
    and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be
    seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and
    talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui."
    Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual,
    non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have
    taken over the urban and suburban world!


    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
    "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
    culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "


    The Code:

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.


    A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
    that term only because they are female.


    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
    home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.


    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.


    A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
    you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
    cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you
    are a God.


    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
    Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
    endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)


    A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30
    years old.


    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
    need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.


    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.


    A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
    national TV.


    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
    women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will
    only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little woosie,


    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
    stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family
    in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved
    to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT
    allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough
    attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he
    DEALT with you.


    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
    to conceal himself from prey.


    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
    and ONLY a Windsor knot.


    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
    getting.


    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
    hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until
    you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.


    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
    riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
    WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction
    of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".


    Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and
    none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
    Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method
    of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons
    a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a
    loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case),
    loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck
    or bike.


    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and
    a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands
    up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
    so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
    on his face.


    A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge of Allegience properly,
    and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the
    words to the O`Canada.


    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do
    not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that
    they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
    married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e.,
    hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.


    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.


    A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without
    sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and
    without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.


    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
    wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
    Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of
    nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to
    DEAL with IT, or do both.


    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
    but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)
    NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
    Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them
    for serving their country.


    A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
    enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances
    change or the other person deceived him.


    A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
    does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that
    sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just
    DEAL WITH IT !


    A Retrosexual man will go to a BARBER, not a Hair Salon, to get his
    hair cut. Preferably a barber who is a Vet with blue tattoos on his
    forearm.


    A Retrosexual does not drive around town with a cell phone glued to
    his ear. A cell phone is not even a neccessity. Phone converstions
    are limited to less than 2 minutes. Less than 30 seconds for friends
    who know what you're talking about.


    A Retrosexual drinks COFFEE, not a double __mocha lowfat latte with
    whip cream and sprinkles.


    A Retrosexual owns more work,play,hunting or motorcycle shoes/boots,
    than he does dress shoes
     
  2. gauder

    gauder Banned

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    Ya, man. A-focking-men.
     
  3. OrangeCrushK10

    OrangeCrushK10 1/2 ton status

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    x2:bow:
     
  4. bigjbear

    bigjbear 1 ton status Staff Member Moderator

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    I guess that makes me a retosexual. All of the above except the hair cut-I cut my own.
     
  5. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Me too. Only I have Chuck Norris cut my hair with a roundhouse kick to the head...:D
     
  6. Corey 78K5

    Corey 78K5 1 ton status

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    Well that explains the smarts department:D
     
  7. OrangeCrushK10

    OrangeCrushK10 1/2 ton status

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  8. MTMike

    MTMike 1/2 ton status

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  9. dremu

    dremu Officious Thread Derailer Premium Member

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    :haha:

    I own several pairs of boots, for different terrain ... working on the trucks, slogging in the mud, wearing to work ... and ... I may own one pair of dress shoes.

    Whew. My sexuality is safely retro. :D

    -- A
     
  10. kyser_soze

    kyser_soze 1/2 ton status

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    CK5- Home of the retrosexual. I vote new teeshirt.

    Grades of retrosexual

    Grade 1: What you just read.
    Grade 2: Cut own hair
    Grade 3: Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick to the head, hair cut
     
  11. chevyfumes

    chevyfumes Court jester

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    Watch for the muzzleflash!
  12. roadnotca

    roadnotca 3/4 ton status

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    DON'T KNOW 'BOUT GUYS WITH MONKEYS? OH WAIT, EASTWOOD DID A MOVIE WITH A BUDDY THAT SORTA LOOK LIKE A APE, YEAH. SO YEAH THATS COOL. BUDDIES LIKE THAT CAN BE GOOD BACKUP IN BAR FIGHTS TOO.:haha:
     
  13. afroman006

    afroman006 1/2 ton status

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    The shoes part makes me laugh because I have to wear a nice collared button down long sleeve shirt and khakis to work but I still wear my steel toe Justin work boots complete with two years worth of battle scars because A) I am too cheap to buy a nice pair of boots B) customers dont see my shoes anyway and C) its my little way of sticking it to the man.
     
  14. Leper

    Leper 1/2 ton status

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    Dallas Baby!!!!
    Very nice!
     

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