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RJ's Beardy Adventures

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Resurrection_Joe, Mar 2, 2006.

  1. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    So uhm

    Let me spin you all a yarn

    A yarn of justice..... wait, no not a yarn, a yarn sounds either country or granny

    I'll spin you a..... spinning sounds like a yuppie exercise

    Ok, I'll thrash you a epic about that which hath defined RJ for four solid years

    The Amish Beard Special!

    Yes with electricity and without the inbreeding, I have had the full amish experience

    I doth love it

    Anywho's

    Sidenote: I want to write a story now

    Anyway's

    I'm a eating my vitamins watching the mice dance and generally nancing around the bathroom, no naked haircut, but bathroom fun nonetheless (no guitar either)

    I'VE GOT A BIG FAT ****ING BONE TO PICK WITH YOU MY DARLING

    Sorry, I like to type what I'm listening to

    Anywhat's

    I was in there a brushing my teeth, a most recent duty I have taken on, as when I chipped off my tooth with a pick a while back I got madly paranoid about tooth and teeth decay. "Muhammed Ali fights Tooth Decay" paranoid.

    Anywhere's

    No plaque! Neither dental or award type. So I pick at my teeth anyway, noticing I'm missing another corner...... ********ass...

    Here's the first funny moment. I forgot I cleaned my Ruger with it a few days ago. Yay, Hoppes Gun Oil is not tasty.

    Which reminds me, my beef brocolli deluxe (yes with an e) dinner got burned because I was on CK5.

    I'mma make another t shirt (uh oh, I just started a personal trend) that says "CK5: Ruins Your Dinner)

    What?

    Anywax

    So I get done with that and do brushy brushy minty orangey. Or maybe I already had. I admire my teeth. Very toothy. Very up front. Very dynamic.

    I start pondering things... wait where was I going. I have dreams about eating chocolates and enchiladas now.. and her....

    Anywant

    I notice my beard. Who couldn't? I thought it looked very much bush beardy and not stylish jawline sexy. I wonder if it's just not in it's nature to be cool, it's rugged awesomeness eclipseing any trends in it's epochs of existance. I assume. Oooh tennis elbow.

    Anywok

    So I'm thinkign about trimming it when I notice..... IT IS BADLY DEFINED. Like a sandwhich buried under it's accompaniments. Like the most beautiful girl in a subway in Korea populated by... I dunno, mushrooms and Garth Brooks. Like Can Can riding his polar bear behind a Fedex truck. Do they have FedEx in Canadia?

    Anywik

    So I decide to define it. I mean, chunks of it are sticking out at odd angles. NECK HAIR! Apparently, I've lost enough weight to effect my face, and the bottom edge of my beard has crept down, and at the angle I cut it at, was, like a tab, from a pop up book, and only one part of me pops up, and it's it's own pop up handle. By the way, I measured today, not amazing, but improving with conditioning. Go Wang!

    Anywar

    So I lather up with my personal surplus store item of choice, frilly ass rose bubble pink shellfish leg hair of ladies shaving gel. I haven't shaved majorly in a months. I kind of overdid it. Think instead of nice think lather, think Lemon Merainge Pie. I spelled the middle of that wrong, the (Mer-Ang) part. I think. Anyway, it was a big ****ing mess. I kind of fingerpainted on my chest. That was fun, and oddly, not all that erotic. I am dissapointed, I give it a C-.

    Anywarf

    Shave shave shave. HOOOAGH! Awesomeness. Even, defined, sharp. Awesome. Awesome. AWESOME POSSUM.

    Problem. I have not escaped the red bumpys. Red Bumpys and Communists are equaly red and equally unwanted.

    I think.... VASELINE! Oh wait that's my sidekicks thing.... I had bag balm but I need that for my hair. I don't think electrical tape can fix this..

    So I do some diggin and find a 1999 vintage Old Spice aftershave bottle. Yes, like a fine wine, like sands through the hourglass, like a Japanese Cowboy, like sandals with pressure points drawn on them.... I forgot where I was going.

    Anyway I smell like a French Whorehouse now

    I have a chunk of mirror from an old wall I used to know, so I prop it up and get the head on and profile shot with the new mirror.

    CONCLUSION: I am all kinds of awesome looking! My head is not as alien looking, and uhmmm, I wish I didn't have curly hair.














    So anyway, what's up? Pretty early! My face stings.... That burnt dinner was pretty nasty, I ate it anyway. I found out I won't go generic on Soy Sauce again. I need more garlic. I stole about 100 artificial sugars and 100 creamers from work. I feel guilty. I'll work extra hard tomorrow.

    So yep, in the end, I still love her
     
  2. thezentree

    thezentree 3/4 ton status

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    I very nearly sprayed my computer with a fine mist of milk and Golden Grahams at that.

    Good story! :haha:
     
  3. gauder

    gauder Banned

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    Wangtastic story! Congrats on the significant shedding of mass too.
     
  4. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Hey, 1999 era Old Spice worked! The red bumpy army is defeated!
     
  5. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    Aftershave gets rid of those little bastards???

    Damn, I've been wondering what to do aboot those...
     
  6. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    its amazing what you can learn on CK5, isnt it? :bow:

    where can i buy some '99 Vintage Old Spice?
     
  7. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    Hrmmmm.... the fine Old Spice vinyards may have some stock left if that most aromatic of years

    I still have that tab thing going on. It's like I had a goatee and sideburns and tried to glue them together, without the moustache.

    Moosetache..... Can Can's love life
     
  8. TSGB

    TSGB 1 ton status

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    Well, I've never used aftershave like that, because I didn't want a cloud of that stink following me around.
     
  9. beater_k20

    beater_k20 Banned

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    chicks dig it. chicks = beaver oil... :deal:
     
  10. Resurrection_Joe

    Resurrection_Joe 1 ton status

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    It is more thank stink you know. You can get unstinked aftershave lotion. Prep and after treatment.

    Chicks = Beaver Oil? That's.... pretty bad, on a few levels

    What do I know though
     

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